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Its been a almost 4 years battle with my Housing Association.
A battle that has impacted on my life in every way to this day.
Anxiety is at such a high level and rate today I was recently needing to just dope myself out and remain house bound for 8 days knowing that this horrific Trial case is on the way (Thursday 8th May) where i am having to fight a Landlord that wants me out of my home and has gone about gaining false statements that are damning of me and my personaility from being a decent person to a monster of all proportions that is frightening, inpredictable and dangerous.
All of this is entirely untrue and based on 2 out of 7 resident neigbors.
My anxiety increased dramatically last year when thick black mold was discovered in my only bedroom , it had travelled from behind a wall hidden by a built in robe which had not been opened for months , and was used to store personal belongings inside.
the mold had travelled down into the floor of my bedroom and across a large rug coverig the entire floor space from the rug the mold was found all through the bedframe and then matress and my bedding.
I was forced too abandon my bedroom and sleep on my kitche floor all of August/September, October and November, during these months I would literally in my increased anxiety and and now increased depression revert to abandoning my home entierly and would drive my motorbility car out of London where I became accustomed to sleeping in my car in the Motorway Road stopping stations.
I did this while my landlord left me without any support of any kind.
meanwhile I had my Hopsital Clinic for my HIv and my Local Gp Surgery and on top of this my Local MP writing constantly to my lanldord asking them to recognise my needs and vulnerablility and asking them on my behalf to act and also to see if they were willing to re house me temporaily.
The battle went on and on until I reached a point where I alomost gave up and I then decided to sell essential items like my washer and my microwave, my lounge suite and kitche items so I could afford to get out to Australia , to go to my family after an 8 yr gap and try to get well out there with thier support.
The Lanldord literally did nothing that could be seen as help me at any level.
I left of Oz around 23 November in a wheel chair to weak to walk and remained in Australia for much longer than I thought I would be there as due to my mental health issues , Increased and acut anxiety I was so unwell I was admitted 3 times into one of Melbournes main Hospitals .
prior to my travels i turned to the environmental health department at my local council and it was the enviromental officer that I was able to finally depend on to come to my home weekly to monitor the situation in my home.
I arrived back on 19 Febuary to my home, I was informed that the works had just been carried out to restore my bedroom back to what I had not had for so many months.
But on arrival I soon discovered the job was not completed at all so the issue remained and it caused new levles of anxiety and depression.
It took a ot out of me to get the job completed in April finally.
And since this time I am still struggling with all things to do with stress and anxiety as especially now I am due to be in a Court trial which is totally foreign to me and has left me self medicating and doped out so much I have not been able to function.
it was last tuesday that I finally was able to get up and function and even be able to go outside without fearing the worse of another acute anxiety fit.
I have managed to see my HIV clinic this past week and even saw my GP this morning .
I also had a 2 hr meeting with my legal aid solicitor in preperation for the trial hearing this coming Thursday.
I was able to get some tips and pointers from him in how to cope and deal with what will happen through this 3/4 hr intense trial where i face a lot of questioning and will be under a lot of pressure to remain calm , collected and focussed and able to communicate to the court in a way that does not place me in a worse situation than I find my self in presently.
I was assessed by the local mental health team to obtain a social worker and this was denied.
I am asl seeking to gain all the support emotionally and physically I can get and have made some excellent choices .
I have gained a mental health advocate as well from a organisation I was referred too.
So things are looking stable right now.
But like we all can relate to this is saturday anf things in my life can dramatically change by later today if not tomorow and even by Thurday which is so important to me that I am able to cope and speak when spoken to and not find myself spitting my words out and becoming entirely aggitated and unable to comminucate poprely through an ordeal as important as this one.
If i am to fail my worse scenario is I am told to get out of my property and live on the streets.
I will be homeless as will my best and dearest mate that lives with me and is who I turn to 24/7 for support.
I have been told by my sister recently that mold infestation can have major effects with stress and can lead to increased anxiety and depression.
I am spending this time right now re searching what is commonly known as Toxic Molud Syndrome.
I am seeking to find a clinic here that can provide a thorough test screening which would iclude brain scanning me so I can try to gain knowlege about why my life has crashed and remains so difficult to cope at all levels.
Its no good to me to just know I have acute anxiety and increased depression which to me calls for personal action and to research all I can to find answers and to then start to look at ways this can be reversed and really to know how to help myself get through this awful period of my dmamged life.
I am 53 years young.
I want my life back and it takes me to get things moving forward even when I feel I have no more energy or fight in me, I still neeed to be seen moving forward.
God forbid I go backwards as I know what that encounters and trying to take my own life is not what I want out of what is left of my one life
Anxiety and Depression are widespread in our communiities, men are slowly getting better to actuallt start to communicat thier feelings but on the whole I feel we are stigmatized and mostyl so misunderstood about our mental health disability , this illness really does require the effort and consistancy to fight back and to eventually overcome the disability of anxiety and depression.
Please spare a though for me this fellow warrior in my week ahead.
My higher Power is what I look too for the courage, strenth and wisdom to mgo into the courts and be able to show others exactly who I really am.
And to shut the mouths and voices of those who simply dont care about me and want to shout and scream that I am indeed the moster they say I am.
I know the truth will always set me free
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