I am cutting myself from the world

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Naturally I am loud and outgoing but have always suffered extreme mood swings and periods of acute depression. I am currently taking sertraline, exercise regularly, receive therapy and eat well. I am doing all of the things required of me to get better. But I never do.

My therapist, while supportive, does not offer me the solutions I so desperately need. I hope someone here can help.

I live in a busy city and almost everybody I know is creative or famous. They all have parties, exhibitions, book launches, readings and film screenings. I always dreamed of being creative but didn't really show any great talent for any creative outlet in particular. In fact, despite doing well in my education, I have never achieved any kind of professional success. For this reason I always feel as though I am celebrating the success of others, while never receiving the same in return. Friends are supportive and kind but essentially all I want is the same sense of celebration for my successes as they get to experience. 

It has got to the point where I now do not speak to anyone because of the pain I felt for things being so one-sided. It is not their fault but equally it is not my fault for having nothing for them to attend.

I understand this might sound spoilt or privileged but I am not like this. I am generous and love that my friends are doing so brilliantly. I just hate that I have nothing for which they could return the favour.

Please if you can shed any advice or wisdom on this situation I would love to hear from you as I really have become a hermit who doesn't leave the house for days and days at a time. I regularly cut myself now and have large exposed wounds all over my face through self harm.

 

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  • Posted

    Yeah it sounds a little spoilt most people would be grateful to have such amazing friends that have success in there lives instead of being jealous of them go out and make your own success it doesnt have to be on the same level it can be any personal achievement because what I read in your story is basically jealousy as for staying in the house and becoming a hermit well I would go to your doctor and tell them how you feel but also you cant keep clutching onto your friends success because you will never achieve any of your own please dont harm yourself it doesn't solve anything if you need to talk further please feel free to pm me I will try to help sorry if I seem harsh but I guess it maybe what you need plus I would change your therapist because I dont think he helps
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  • Posted

    I agree that you need to go back to your doctors and tell them what is going on.  If you have extreme mood swings do you think it is possible you are bi polar?  If you are you are probably not on the correct medication for you.

    One thought occured to me.  Do you love your friends because they are creative and successful?  Or because they are great people apart from that?  If it is the latter then your friends probably feel the same way about you and your perceived lack of success or creativity is not important to them - only to you.  If they are true friends then surely you can talk to them about this?  You might be surprised how understanding they are.  x

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  • Posted

    i had been face situasion like that before. i have smart, creative and sucessuful bestfriends. and same as you too, i feel depressed because why i cant be like them? maybe its jealousy. thats true, but i wont admit it. because it feel so wrong to be jealouse to my bestfreinds. and that make me feel more depressed.

    sorry i talk about nonsense.

    back to the topic. one day i read one book. in that book there is some words that make me feel better about my situation. that book says. 'imagine us/people as flowers, every flowers have their own beauty and have their own time to bloom. so if your friend bloom in spring season, why dont you blom in the same time? maybe its because you are not spring season flower, maybe you are summer season flower and you will bloom in your own time, and its in summer season'. because of that word , i accept my jealousy. then i talk to my bestfriends about it. you know? acctually they have some jealousy to me too. its funny surprised

    sorry if you dont get what i mean. the point is, everyone its different, we are have our own time to be special and our own beauty that can't be compare with the others.

    i know talk is easier than do, but i want try to help.

    sorry for my bad english wink

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  • Posted

    you can give to others but they may not reciprocate. try and be your own person.  Try not to get jealous by other peoples achievements as this leads to lower self esteem.  I would make an effort to get out of the house and do something for yourself every day.  Build up your confidence again and love yourself once more so that you can face your friends.

    Richard

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  • Posted

    Your reply made me think.  

    My youngest sister is who you would call the most 'successful' one in my family.  She has a husband,  a grown up son,  a lovely house and a good job.  But she always wants more - no financial pressure and a bigger and better house because her friends do.  She feels like a bit of a poor relation to them and resents it.  She accuses me of being jealous of her but the truth is she is jealous of me.

    I have none of the 'successful' things she has but I do own my own small flat. I am not working and am usually skint.  Tell you what she envies about me.  The fact I don't have a stressful job,  I have a lot more freedom and much less hassle than her.  Most of all she is envious of my social ability to get on with everyone.  I am an extrovert and she is an introvert.  I am happier than she is.  

    Does that make sense?  I would much rather be me than her despite all she has..  I don't judge people or criticise others, not do I compare myself to others like she does.  She admitted she always wanted the traditional things in life but now she has found out that they require a lot of work and aggravation and she hates that.  

    Even with my depression I would rather be me.  

    Does that make sense?  x

     

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