i am going downhill.

Posted , 4 users are following.

I have had depression for about a year now and It feels like it is getting worse. It all started from a lot of self-abuse that I had done (and still do) for about three years now and has caused a lot of self hatred and loathing. I feel extremely inferior to other people both in mind and body. I am literally dumber than many of the people my age and it's so frustrating and upsetting. My depression got much worse after I had a random weight gain where I was "growing into my women's body and gaining more fat. To me I instantly saw myself as fat and hideous, I felt sick looking at myself and I utterly despised food. I still do. This caused me to start self-harming in order to cope because I couldn't deal with the fact that I Haden because ugly. I have been cutting for about a year as well due to the stress and anxiety I get. I absolutely hate myself in every way because I am very stupid in comparison to other people and I am bigger than most girls my age and older. I have a lot of fat and,believe it or not, a lot of cellulite. I literally feel and look like a have a granny body. All of this made me starve myself and basically create a borderline eating disorder. I have been exercising and eating healthy the best I can. I even went vegetarian to try and eat better along with losing weight but still I have no results. I am a mesomorph so I know I'm supposed to be athletic and muscular but the way I am now does fit that description at all. I'm sorry that whole backstory thing took a while to read but I needed you guys to be able to have some ideas of what is going on. I am on the verge of completely giving everything up because I can not handle this anymore and I can't cope because I keep having relapses and constantly want to cut myself but can't. The amount of different emotions that are detected towards my body is something must that I cannot stand the sight of myself, I have because obsessed over every little detail and flaw and it's all I think about. Constantly hating my body and mind, my everything. My real question is this, what should I do? Everyone says that I need to think happy thoughts and it will get better but I don't want to be thinking any thoughts about myself that aren't true. I feel extremely selfish and self centered saying all of this stuff about me but I need help and don't know what to do.

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9 Replies

  • Posted

    Hi sparrow2381. I wish you didn't feel this way and I feel for you. I don't think anybody completely likes themselves but as soon as negative thoughts turn inwards it's like a bully putting you down but you are the bully. Somehow you need to have a break from negative thinking and I hope you are seeing a professional about your problems. Meds can help also but again your go should know. Don't feel lonely either and make sure you use this message board to let how you feel out into the open. There's a lot of caring people on here with the same thoughts and feelings

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    • Posted

      Thank you Alan56015 for the advice. I'm already seeing both a therapist and a psychiatrist while being on medication. We're trying to work on coping exercises right now and so far only a few are working. I will also be using this message board because there are a lot of people who I could use advice from.

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  • Posted

    If you combined exercise with your eating then you would be back to your old self. As long as you don't overdo the eating.

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  • Posted

    Sparrow, you are very self focused as even self hatred is self focused. This may sound trite but try to help someone worse off than you. That is helping me. I volunteer at the Sparrow's Nest for homeless and cook a meal once a month and do what I can. It takes my mind off my poor pitiful me mentality that is easy to slip into. Find something to be thankful each day no matter how bad things seem. God made you and he doesn't make junk!! Hugs.

    Cindy

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    • Posted

      Thank you Cindy for your encouraging words. I will definitely try to do what I can to I help other people. I'm going to be a group leader for VBS this month so that's a start!

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    • Posted

      That is great Sparrow. There are many trials in this life and we have to fight the good fight as God gives us grace and mercy. It is hard for all of us and we do well to encourage each other to endure and keep the faith. Keep onward and be blessed.

      Hugs.

      Cindy

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  • Posted

    Hi Sparrow - so sad to read of the dilemmas you have and are facing. You haven't made any mention of family and I am wondering whether there is some connection with your situation in that. Constant put-downs and dismissive/belittling comments can induce negative self image and self-talk. Cutting is sometimes used to "feel something." The body-issue matter is one that has exploded in recent decades due to the media obsession with looks and what is perceived as "perfect."  It is causing a great deal of anguish for many, particularly the younger generations. The problem with ideals like that is even if you fit the bill, one day you won't. The other problem is that even if that "perfect" state is attained, it will not change your thought process. I am wondering whether you might have a Body Dismorphic Disorder, where you are seeing an image that others do not. People who tell you to "think happy thoughts" are dismissing the depth of your issue and if it was as easy as that, you would have done it already. Such comments are thoughtless and you should try to ignore them. You are not selfish and self-centred by being concerned about what is going on in your head. A human can get into a thought pattern that is circular and becomes more embedded the more those thoughts are used. Then there seems no way out.

    You are not stupid. You are seeking relief from the situation and that takes brains and courage. The best suggestion would be to get counselling - preferably a psychologist who will help guide you through the process of peeling back the layers of your thoughts and finding what is actually causing this terrible, lonely state of being. Depression sounds like a start, and the counsellor will be able to refer you for a medical assessment. Medication will help relieve your anxiety while you tackle the issue. It will take time, but you will feel better for having shared it and knowing someone is in your corner. Things will get better. Don't let the counsellor dismiss or belittle you. If you are not comfortable with them, find another one. It is your right.

    Before giving up you must explore every avenue for help. You owe it to yourself and your future. Be kind to yourself. You are not stupid and you are not worthless. 

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    • Posted

      Hello Wayne1962, thank you so much for your reply! I am so glad to know that you understand the depth of what I'm going through and my feelings right now. I've been seeing a therapist for over a year now and recently have been seeing a psychiatrist. I'm also taking 150 mg of Zoloft. As for my family they play no part in my self-harm or depression. They are doing everything they can to help which is encouraging but at times is discouraging because they don't understand the whole picture or my emotions. You said that it sounds like I have Body Dismorphic Disorder and my parents say that as well but the way I see it is that I see myself the same way as everyone else, I just have a different opinion on what I am. That opinion would be that I'm fat. I don't know if that is what Body Dismorphic Disorder is, and it very well may be, I just feel like it isn't and that what I'm seeing isn't an illusion but that it is very real.

      Thank you again for your reply. I look forward to your next response.

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    • Posted

      Hi again, Sparrow - thanks for your response and the information you have provided. I'm glad you are seeing a therapist - it's so important to have someone in your life that you can say anything to and not feel they will hate/judge/punish you for it. It's also heartening to read that yourfamily is such a source of support, you are very lucky in that respect as many who have issues are that because of family abuse. Yes, it will be hard for them to fully understand the whole picture and the rollercoaster of your emotions, and I'm sure at times they feel overwhelmed and helpless, not knowing quite what to do or say.

      As for the Body Dismorphic Order, an example would be someone who is anorexic, say, who still thinks they are obese. Everyone else sees they are skeletal, but the BMD sufferer will only see bulges in the mirror, focusing on a particular bodypart and going to extreme - and sometimes dangerous - lengths to rid him/herself of that percieved imperfection. Have you mentioned the issue to your therapist? What was the response? Another measure you can apply is the Body Mass Index, where the height, weight and age of the patient is used to ascertain whether he/she is overweight. If you have concerns, exercise is not only a good controller but also releases endorphins into the system that can make you feel better. Exercising does not have to mean bounding around a gym, it can be as simple as a long walk on a daily basis, somewhere pleasant like a beach or park. I used to take a tennis ball with me and bounce it as I walked. It was great for hand/eye co-ordination too. Exercise should be used in conjunction with diet to get results if weight is the concern. It's a gradual process, and I shouldn't have used the word "diet" which implies a short period of change. The change in eating habits should be for life because we are wanting a physical change for life. After a while it will become habit and you will not even need to think about it because it will be so natural to you. And you will feel great.

      Hope this helps. Remember you are not alone and you can always come here to talk. You are very lucky to have understanding parents and a therapist coupled with meds to help you. You are doing the intelligent thing about all this. Things will get better.

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