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I have had depression for about a year now and It feels like it is getting worse. It all started from a lot of self-abuse that I had done (and still do) for about three years now and has caused a lot of self hatred and loathing. I feel extremely inferior to other people both in mind and body. I am literally dumber than many of the people my age and it's so frustrating and upsetting. My depression got much worse after I had a random weight gain where I was "growing into my women's body and gaining more fat. To me I instantly saw myself as fat and hideous, I felt sick looking at myself and I utterly despised food. I still do. This caused me to start self-harming in order to cope because I couldn't deal with the fact that I Haden because ugly. I have been cutting for about a year as well due to the stress and anxiety I get. I absolutely hate myself in every way because I am very stupid in comparison to other people and I am bigger than most girls my age and older. I have a lot of fat and,believe it or not, a lot of cellulite. I literally feel and look like a have a granny body. All of this made me starve myself and basically create a borderline eating disorder. I have been exercising and eating healthy the best I can. I even went vegetarian to try and eat better along with losing weight but still I have no results. I am a mesomorph so I know I'm supposed to be athletic and muscular but the way I am now does fit that description at all. I'm sorry that whole backstory thing took a while to read but I needed you guys to be able to have some ideas of what is going on. I am on the verge of completely giving everything up because I can not handle this anymore and I can't cope because I keep having relapses and constantly want to cut myself but can't. The amount of different emotions that are detected towards my body is something must that I cannot stand the sight of myself, I have because obsessed over every little detail and flaw and it's all I think about. Constantly hating my body and mind, my everything. My real question is this, what should I do? Everyone says that I need to think happy thoughts and it will get better but I don't want to be thinking any thoughts about myself that aren't true. I feel extremely selfish and self centered saying all of this stuff about me but I need help and don't know what to do.
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