I am not to sure what I have? But I'm a little lost

 I have always had low confidence and low self-esteem ever since I can remember which is way back to kindergarten!   I never talked in school and it was awful. I never developed a sense of my own self like who I was. It was a nightmare for me and I label it is a crippling shyness. Which actually means no confidence. I was this way through grade  School, high school and college. I felt like I never belonged. My home life was great it was the public life i struggled with. I never fit in to different social groups. And even with my first professional job. I got married so I could quit working which i found miserable. As I got older it wasn't as bad but I still never really felt confident. Finally in my 50s I fell into depression  with horrible anxiety symptoms. I started going to a counselor regularly which really helped and listened to meditative audios online related to stress anxiety and depression. I decided I needed to fight this or the rest of my life will be ruined. I started exercising daily and eating very healthy and started socializing more, taking  healthy supplements,  and keep listening to the meditation audios. I bought a book at the bookstore related to the power of the mind and how we don't have to let her thoughts go to the negative. I highly suggest you find a counselor you feel comfortable with because it's much better to vent to  someone you don't know who can really help you versus family members or friends who don't have as many resources. I keep going to my counselor even though I start feeling better it's like a lifeline. 

 I know exactly what you're going through and it's just a horrible feeling isn't it? When I told my counselor my life story of the crippling shyness and lack of confidence etc. three words she told me stuck in my head. She said "you suffered enough " on the way home those three words stuck in my head and I just started crying because it was just a relief to hear someone tell me that.

 we deserve better! We don't have to live a life of that kind of suffering. I'm sure you have a lot of great qualities as I found out that I did too. 

be relentless in getting better because you deserve a great life! Treat yourself well Andnever give up!

 I just wanted to add that it can be very difficult trying to overcome this alone. That's why I suggested seeing a counselor who can provide great resources and help and guide you through this. I didn't know which way to turn until I found a great counselor which has been a blessing to me!

Sorry to say if you won't at the very least talk to a GP, you won't get better. It's just that simple. Anxiety and depression tend to get worse when untreated, not better. It's your call of course though, you have to take the step to get better, up to you, no-one will force you

Maybe some counseling would help you.. It would help you slowly learn to let go of the past and horrible people who caused you to feel this way, whether they thought it was just a joke or not. I've learned to realise that 9 out of 10 times when I'm scared that people are staring at me, they really aren't even paying attention.

People will always look for a quick second when people walk into somewhere.. Unless you're coming in dressed in a costume and carrying balloons, I highly doubt they're staring the way you think they are.

Don't be scared of failure. You'll end up letting this insecurity get in the way of your dream job. Put on a fake smile if you have to.. I'm sure over time, you'll start to appreciate it and become more self confident. Let yourself splurge and get a few new outfits and makeup. Get your hair done. Make yourself feel good.

Is it possible your sister is jealous? Do you get into relationships fast? Because your self esteem is so low, you really may get into relationships just because someone shows you attention. Just make sure you're always doing what's best for you and not just because it feels good at the moment.

There are a ton of things about myself I can't stand. I hate my weight (i've lost a ton since anxiety). I hate my dry hair. I hate my blotchy skin. But you know what, some clothes and makeup can make me feel attractive. And you know what else, my fiance finds me pretty even on my ugliest days. We will always think we look less attractive than we actually do. I'm sure you have a ton of admirers that you don't even realize because you're trying to hide. Try to look into counseling and do not be ashamed to talk to your family or doctor about this. The weight off your shoulders will feel amazing.