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I am so angry that suicide is not an option for me.

Posted , 6 users are following.

Hes1980
Hes1980

I am so depressed. I want to check out but I can't. I have my family that needs me. I just want the pain and fear to stop. I feel as if I am a prisoner inside my own body. I have never felt this much sadness and pain ever. I am at my breaking point. I don't sleep because the anxiety attacks scare. I wake up when I do sleep drained from fear, my heart goes a mile a minute and I sweat. My thoughts race, my body hurts. I hide this from my kids they need me to be strong for them. I am so afraid of myself. I want to stop the hurt but I can't. I envy the people who have suicide as an option. Their pain has stopped I have to live on. I am seeing a therapist. She says it's along road but it will get better. I don't see it. I am in a very dark place. It's like being in a dark cave with no flash light.

2 likes, 12 replies

12 Replies

  • lit53944
    lit53944 Hes1980

    Posted

    I'm sorry things are rough, especially as you are staying strong for your family. That alone proves you are a decent human being deserving of life, seriously. There are people who abandon their family for reasons as shallow as 'I still want to live like I'm 18'.. Despite how bad you feel you are fighting for the sake of your family and that is an admirable thing to do.

     I also cannot really see anything in the future that I should live for besides my Mom who is severely sick (and my Grandparents who aren't top notch healthy either).

    I can't really say anything to try and change your outlook because mine is the same, but like I said being a good person (as you are) it really does mean you have value. That's how I see it.

    The only times I've managed to drag myself out of deep and nasty pit of misery is if I isolate myself for a period of time and do nothing but relax and think about myself and who I am. As you have family it wouldn't be as simple as how I can do that but it's the only thing I've found to help at all. I've had therapists and medication and breif isolation is the only thing that has a positive outcome for me, mental health wise.

    I hope everything works out, I really do.

    • Hes1980
      Hes1980 lit53944

      Posted

      Thanks for your kind words. I am just lost. I hope in time I get better.
    • kat50
      kat50 Hes1980

      Posted

      I know how you are feeling I really do. It's so painful. Are you on any meds. Pm me if you need to chat.
    • Hes1980
      Hes1980 kat50

      Posted

      I see the Dr at the end of February. I am not sure how to send a Pm.
    • kat50
      kat50 Hes1980

      Posted

      There is an envelope at the side of the names
  • stevo1975
    stevo1975 Hes1980

    Posted

    Hes1980 trust me i survived suicide and it is not a better option I have long term medical effects from the atempts i made to end it. Have you been and seen your GP to explore medication as for me that was the only thing that helped me was anti-depressants.
    • Hes1980
      Hes1980 stevo1975

      Posted

      I see a Dr at the end of next month. Sometimes that seems to be the only way out. I wont do it my family needs me. I need life to stop for just a minute so I can breath.
    • stevo1975
      stevo1975 Hes1980

      Posted

      Hang in there Hes !!! you can do it think of your situation as a big bump in the road once you unlock the right treatment life will return to what you remember it being!
  • carole28488
    carole28488 Hes1980

    Posted

    Hello, Hes:  I know just how you feel.  I am 67 now, but when I was in my early 30's I went into a deep dark place.  I was at Walgreens and all the sudden I got this hot flash that made my knees knock and I was shivering.  I just left my cart full of items and headed for the car.  I couldn't wait to get home, my safe place, but when I got home I felt horrible, too.  My girls were in school, but they are about to get out and come home on the school bus.  All I could think about was..I want out of this pain, but I can't leave my girls.  My husband had already left us for another woman.  I stuck it out, even when the depressions come after the panic attacks, and now that I'm a pretty old woman, I'm so glad that I did, sweetie.  I found the right doctor, and she put me on meds that worked in about three weeks after taking them.  I've had a rough road in 67 yrs. but I made it this far...I expect to make it to 100..lol...Take care, and always remember that there is NOTHING that bad to kill yourself for.  Stay strong, see the right doctor who will work with you, and I promise you that you will see better days ahead...HUGS...
    • Hes1980
      Hes1980 carole28488

      Posted

      Ty, being a single mom is so hard even harder when this stupid illness is part of it I had a session with my wonderful therapist. I feel better, I don't know how long it will last but I will enjoy it. I have a long way to go, there will be highs and lows but I have to beat this. My girls are so very important to me. I have to at least try to beat this for them.
  • hi99413
    hi99413 Hes1980

    Posted

    my family wouldnt even care if i died today
    • Hes1980
      Hes1980 hi99413

      Posted

      I would!!!!! I tell myself daily the darkness will end. And it will for you. Of you need to chat Pm me
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