I am waiting on my results ... I am in a really dark place

I just found out about a month ago I had it, I lost my virginity in December. I never got tested I knew soon as I saw it I had it. It is the worst pain you will ever feel, but don't worry your first one is the worst. I still have problems copeing I look in the mirror and think only a few months ago I was so pure how and why could this happen to me after 19 years. It's not the end of the world I felt alone I could barely walk for four days I went to the doctor and they knew right away I had it also I am on medicine which is like your life support I'm having an outbreak right now and it's nothing like the first one. To get relief sit in a hot bath and I know this is not appealing but it will be your toilet also. Let air get to it it drys it out faster. I wanted to kill myself. I still fight it and I was always a happy person. People are making accusations of me having it because it's gettin out the guy who gave it to me has. That's what has brought me down. But you're not alone and I promise it's not as bad as what people think. We are all in this together don't look at your self as disgusting or different it's just a minor situation that really is not as bad as what it is made to be I hope this helps I'm here anytime to talk

Trace. 

No they can not tell you when you got it, I asked that question several times. This is still hard to deal with and I told my prior partner that I had it I expected him to freak out but instead he told me he was glad I told him and it wasnt the end of the world and worst things can happen to a person then this. I now have a new person we hit it off really well and the whole time we were toghther just hanging out I felt guilty like i was supposed to tell him up front, that way he could just walk away instead of catching feeling. Well i waited a few days and since we clicked so well I finally had the guts to tell him only cuz it was eating me up..... I totally expected him to freak out and look at me in a whole different way, instead he said 'Its so much more common then ppl think" and then kissed me. I was in total shock and freaked out about discussing the situation. I do have weird sensations down there and kinda feel like I am going to get another bump again but I havent. but when i feel like that i just take my medication for the 5 days and well then i feel fine again. This does seem to be easier to as time goes on, and only a couple ppl in my life know about it. Then main person who needs to know is the one your sleeping with or before that way they have the option of deciding what they want to do, I have not even told my Best friend because ppl do judge you regaurdless and I would just much rather continue my life the way it is and this is just my little secret that only my partner needs to know about..... So dont beat yourself up there is someone out there that will understand my have a few questions but it does not change who you are and what ppl love about you.

Thank you so much for your support. Reading people's stories makes it easier to cope because I do not feel so isolated. My results still haven't come back, but at this point I don't think I need them to to know. My symtoms went away then came back yesterday, which was really frustrating. 

I finally got the courage to tell the guy I am seeing. I was pretty sure it was him because I had been tested so recently and I was really worried about breaking the news to someone that they may have it. I wanted to wait for the results, but I felt like when we hung out I was lying to him. So I told him. And his reply was, "You probably got it from me." So the converation went differently than I had imagined. Apparently, he got it from his ex about two years ago and they broke up a few months ago. She had no symtoms. When I asked him why he he hadn't told me he said he had no idea you could give it someone if you weren't having an outbreak. I feel like he is lying because he got it from someone with no outbreaks. I am trying to have  level head in this situation, but I am not sure how to feel. I am thankful that I know where it came from and I did not give it someone else, but at the same time I am really mad he lied because I asked him about STDs before we had sex. And I also feel like he knew that he would pass it on. I feel like because of ignorance and lack of respect for my health I now have to deal with this virus for life. 

And somehow I now feel like my life is going to be somewhat limited due to this. I have always wanted to travel and to teach overseas, but it feels like I shouldn't or can't. I'm just upset. Especially since my sypmtoms have come back.

So i heard from the doctor ... 13 days after they did the culture. The tests came back negative. Which would be awesome news except my doctor really think I have it and the sample wasn't good enough or the time they took the sample was too late during the outbreak. And since I have herpe like sores and the guy I was sleeping with took no precautions and is type 2 positive it would be hard to believe the test. So now I have to wait for another outbreak and if there isn't one I have to wait three months for a blood test. Three months is a long time to wait for something like this. I am already having tingling sensations. I am just so confused.