I became creepy, scared a good friend away and the regret makes me want to die.

Hello, everyone. I've been dealing with extreme depression for the vast majority of my life (since I was twelve, in fact) but only rarely have I felt that death would be an option for me. I had always thought of myself as friendly, extroverted, empathetic and kind-hearted; intelligent, witty, and even assertive when need be. I had/have many great friends, a decent job, and a supportive family (aside from my father); but at the same time, I have also suffered from a host of personal issues, both mental and emotional, that have interfered with my life, robbing me of so much; yet still, I have tried to soldier on, to weather the storm and see past the darkness towards brighter things... but now I'm not so positive. Something serious, so deeply regretful, has happened in my life which has confirmed what I'd always thought true: that I'll never be a normal person; that I'll never be deserving of good relationships; and that eventually people will be hurt by me, unless I take control now and kill myself.

I once had a very close friend in my life whom I had treasured deeply, and for two years it was thought we would always be together; but over time, I became paranoid that they would leave me. I started following (though stalking would be more apt) them around everywhere, messaging them constantly when they were online, getting upset then they wouldn't talk to me after a short period, and becoming jealous of the time they spent with other friends. Typical clingy behaviour, basically. I thought our friendship would end and did everything to "save" it... only to discover too late that I was just being delusional.

Eventually, they had enough and blocked me entirely: on Discord, social media, and in the same MMORPG we used to play (and where we originally met). I was devastated, but instead of giving them space, I wound up breaking the No Contact Rule by trying to circumvent their block and contacting them again through a secondary account on both Twitter and that same MMO. Needless to say, that was the final straw and now our friendship is irreparably broken. Even if well-meaning, I further ruined things. I lacked the willpower to respect their boundaries, and my poor attempt to apologize made me come across as a desperate creep they are actively avoiding.

Everyone tells me now that my best bet is to just "move on", work on improving myself, and look towards the future; to stop thinking of this friend I've chased away. But honestly, what is the point? Every day I live in regret and shame over what happened, and the guilt is tearing me up inside. I still WANT to apologize, to try and salvage things between us, or at least find closure... but I know that I can't. And that hurts more than anything, being aware of how much damage you've done and needlessly hurting someone so special because you thought your relationship was in danger of collapsing. Talk about a self-fulfilled prophecy.

I'm just tired of living with the pain now. This happened seven months ago now, and I just don't see a way out from the suffering; the regret will always be with me. Am I selfish for wanting to die now and making my remaining friends, those who haven't also abandoned me since, sad, too? Perhaps. But I think continuing to live, knowing that no one will see you the same because of what you've done, is even worse. There are enough worse people on this planet without me being around to potentially make things worse for better folk, so it's best that I die. My death would be a net positive to the world's health, even if it's just a small benefit.

I want to die. I just want to die. There is nothing left in this life but misery and loneliness, and I just want peace.

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