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I am looking for help. I do not know what to do, or to whom to turn for this help. I was continually mentally and physically abused as a child by my mother. She did this because she disliked me and didn't want me - I know this for sure as she told me often enough. I lived in fear at home, hiding under beds, in cupboards, anywhere where I couldn't be seen. Sometimes I was so terriffied I ran from home. This resulted in more beatings and prolonged periods of being shut in a bedroom for days without food or drink. This happened several times.Sometimes social workers or concerned teachers were often involved and I would then be sent off to a relative for a while. But it would all happen again and again. There came a point when I started to believe some of the things she said to or about me, about how useless I was, how I was not wanted in the family, always causing problems, how she was going to put me in a "special" school, how I would end up being a "dustman", etc (her words). Even as an adult I have been subjected to her poisonous disapproval, to her lies and insinuations. It just never goes away. It is always in my head even after so many years. I am tired of it. I am not a stupid person, I qualified as a professional some years after leaving school. Again with my mother's dissapproval and downright hostile opposition. I relive these memories over and over again. Somedays the bad memories are intense, and I can do nothing. It has effected me my whole life. I am of an age now where I believe I am too old for these memories to effect me, but these memories have effected my whole life so far. But I don't believe I can do this by myself. NAPAC seems like a good start. I want to rid myself of my bad memories, so if there is anybody out there, perhaps in a professional capacity, I would greatly appreciate the help. Recently I was so miserable after thinking about my past I did go to a MIND office but found I couldn't go in, I was too embarrassed. I hope somebody can point me in the right direction. Thank you.
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