I believe I am mentally scarred by my upbringing.

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I am looking for help.  I do not know what to do, or to whom to turn for this help. I was continually mentally and physically abused as a child by my mother. She did this because she disliked me and didn't want me - I know this for sure as she told me often enough. I lived in fear at home, hiding under beds, in cupboards, anywhere where I couldn't be seen.  Sometimes I was so terriffied I ran from home. This resulted in more beatings and prolonged periods of being shut in a bedroom for days without food or drink. This happened several times.Sometimes social workers or concerned teachers were often involved and I would then be sent off to a relative for a while. But it would all happen again and again. There came a point when I started to believe some of the things she said to or about  me, about how useless I was, how I was not wanted in the family, always causing problems, how she was going to put me in a "special" school, how I would end up being a "dustman", etc (her words). Even as an adult I have been subjected to her poisonous disapproval, to her lies and insinuations. It just never goes away. It is always in my head even after so many years. I am tired of it. I am not a stupid person, I qualified as a professional some years after leaving school. Again with my mother's dissapproval and downright hostile opposition.  I relive these memories over and over again. Somedays the bad memories are intense, and I can do nothing. It has effected me my whole life. I am of an age now where I believe I am too old for these memories to effect me, but these memories have effected my whole life so far. But I don't believe I can do this by myself.  NAPAC seems like a good start.  I want to rid myself of my bad memories, so if there is anybody out there, perhaps in a professional capacity, I would greatly appreciate the help.  Recently I was so miserable after thinking about my past I did go to a MIND office but found I couldn't go in, I was too embarrassed. I hope somebody can point me in the right direction. Thank you.

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    First of all Steven I want to say how sorry I am to hear what you have been through. I was abused also by my family and know the pain you are feeling. And YES the effects of childhood abuse can still affect you today UNTIL you resolve these issues through therapy. You need to CONFRONT your abusers for YOU!  not them and you need to forgive them for YOU not them. Writing confrontation letters helped me and can help you. You can choose to give them to that person or people if you choose but dont expect an apology. YOu have to do this for you not them and forgiving them will not let them off the hook either. You have to get all of those toxic feelings and pain out of your system so you can heal. You are scared and need healing. You also should see a therapist as well. You may have PTSD like I do. Know that you did not deserve any of the abuse! and it was NOT your fault. You do not need ANY ONE'S approval either except your own. I hope this helps you.   
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    • Posted

      I dont know if this relates to you but here is something my best friend wrote that might help you

       she was devastated when her Dad left her and the mother when she was 4. She was angry at him for many yrs bec. she blamed him for her mom becoming abusive. Her father emotionally and physically abused Toni's mother. This set created a chain of events creating a domino affect on her and her mother. Her mother also abused her in the same way as the father did. Her older brothers took their anger out on her by sexually and physically abusing her . As the abuse went on and she got older and her mother got sick., Toni took over and became a mother figure to her mother by taking care of her sick mother and her raising her other sibling. She did not realize how co dependent I was on her mother and sibling till later on. At first she felt needed UNTIL years later she woke up and realized  she had been had! that she was not really loved like she thought she was. They were using her. She was robbed of her childhood, teenage years, and young adult life. It was not until she went to group therapy 25 years ago that  she began to understand what this did   to her life, At first she was very angry and wanted to blame every one else, until I realized I was ALLOWING them to abuse her. She did not really feel the pain of this UNTIL I accepted MY responsibility. It was hard to do this but this was the beginning of my new life and a huge step in the healing process. She is 58 now and realizes that she no longer need to be co dependent on her family because it's toxic!! and has ruined your life long enough. It eats at your soul like cancer. One thing she is grateful for is that she was angry at her mother for being abused by her father that I vowed I would never be in a abusive relationship. HOWEVER because I was so young and did not deal with forgiving her father I attracted more abuse in her life in my 20s and then escaped the marriage after I realized how dysfunctional it was. She  never got involved in a toxic abusive relationship ever again, but to free yourself from an abusive relationship you need to take responsibility for yourself! for allowing it to happen to you. When you were a child you were helpless and had NO control of the abuse, but as adults you do have control. Many things we suffer we go through in life can be avoided by making good choices. Regarding the relationship with your father you MUST deal with that anger that you have for him with the things he did for you and be angry without feeling guilty and making excuses and then after you have done that you can work on forgiveness. It takes TIME to deal with those raw painful emotions and it takes courage to heal ...after you reach the point where and WHEN you can forgive you will feel peace. Forgiving him FREES YOU!!! It does not let your father off the hook. It allows healing to take place in your life and what he done to you will no longer have ANY control over you when you do this! 

      Forgiving your father does not mean that you should have  a relationship with your father if he is toxic. If you choose to be involved with him you need to confront him. Toni knows how scary this is. She had to confront all of her abusers! through letters and via face to face. When she had enough of their crap she walked away from all of them and have been away from them for 5 years and she feels at peace with herself and God. She decided she would not allow herself to be used, abused, and taken for granted. She knows how hard confrontation can be as it took her years to get the strength to do it but it will give you a sense of power! There are many ways to confront a person. The easiest thing you can do is to write letters. Your Dad would read every thing you have to say this way bec. if you talk to you in person they can hang up or get angry. You will be able to get everything out of you. Dont look at it like a  cure all or even to try to change him bec this is for you and for you ALONE. This is the only way to break free from co dependency is to face your family of origin.    

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  • Posted

    My best friend Toni had a background in psychology so she knows what she is talking about. I hope that you feel some comfort knowing the truth now  
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  • Posted

    You have taken the first step by putting down in writing, you have proved your mother wrong by getting a job although what is wrong with a dustman I dont know, it is an honest living, talk your past through with someone so you can mark it dealt with as we cannot change our past only our present or future, dont really understand why you have not distance yourself from her as the problem is hers and only she can change that, please think of yourself as a survivor I dont know your age but the services did let you down
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    • Posted

      A big thank you to "freelance writer" and "katylynn" .  You have put forward some moot points for me to think about. 

      However I cannot forgive.  It is too hard. I am angry for everything she said and did to me, and although I have distanced myself from her for two and a half years I still get silent phone calls from her every couple of months. I have no-one I can talk to about this, it just keeps going round and round my head.  I am seriously considering consulting a doctor about this problem, or MIND.  I think the suggestion of  therapy may be  helpful, although I am very embarrassed about  it. Also I am not sure how to go about seeking it. But I have to do something.    

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    • Posted

      steven i will tell you something silly but that might be helpful maybe .

      I was watching a series which shows the sessions of a psychiatrist it is called " In treatment" .It is very good because you can see a lot of aspects and ways our mind work and it made me think of a lot of things.

      Of course you are haunted by your experiences and suffer but it is no shame to ask for help. It is not a shame to need support of somebody who is trained to help your feelings.

      I am on therapy right now. I believe you will feel better if you try getting some help.

      What i thought when i watched the series is that i actually at the end forgiven even the worst patient of the psychiatrist.

      Because he had experienced some things that made him behave bad.

      No way it is easy to forgive a parent for making this great damage to her child.  But i think you may be a better parent for your kids if you understand why she did it to you .

      Make your research about her past maybe if you can. It doesnt meen she deserves forgiveness .You deserve to know and have a happy life out of this past. Take care and be proud of yourself  :DD

      You are so brave to have  endured so many problems.   

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