I can't do this anymore

Life. I need to get off the ride, as they say. 41 years old and I cut myself for the first time yesterday. I went for a cold shower to cool down and there was a piece of broken glass on the end of the bath that had been missed when I dropped a glass jar the other day. Weird, because I had checked and checked for broken pieces. Anyway, I picked it up and scratched it down my arm. I thought it hadn't done anything at first, and then a thin line of red appeared. I think I partly did it to see what it felt like as my teenage daughter has cut herself a few times and I wanted to know what she felt. I was surprised by the release of tension. I think I might do it again. I've hidden the glass under a shell. Last night and today I googled different suicide methods. Haven't gone that far before. Have had alcohol and counted pills out before but never took them. Not sure if I should be concerned by this or not. I know what/who I would be leaving behind and that is painful to me. I just don't know what to do anymore. 

Mari,

I'm sure you do not want to feel this way. Is it because of your daughter? My daughter has been hurting herself for years. There is no help for her. She has gone through at least 24 doctors. I just pray every day that she is okay.

You need to know that there are people who love you and care about you. I feel for you. Please talk with us.

I know that hurting yourself kills other pain. I think you need to think about what is bothering you. You need to come to terms with it, which I'm sure is not easy.

Hi Debbie, it's very complicated. There are so many things and it's all been going on for such a long time now. I'm so tired of everything. I'll try to keep this as brief as I can.

Yes my daughter has problems and is currently seeing a psychiatrist and has started on anti-depressants. It has taken a number of years to get to this point, but thankfully she is finally getting help. However, while all this has been going on, my health has deteriorated. I have been diagnosed with fibromyalgia and my poor girl is basically having to cope with looking after me, her brother, the flat, pets and going to school. I can't begin to describe how guilty I feel, especially as she had her own issues anyway.

Added to this is my mental health is very poor. My husband/partner of 20 years left in 2014. This was in the midst of daughters ongoing problems, my fibromyalgia beginning and our cat being run over just two weeks prior (which had already devasted our little boy). I had a breakdown at the time but recovered quite quickly and thought things were getting better (mentally). Then I began to slide again and finally sought counselling. At which the counselor pointed out that me ex was likely a narcissist. 

Well, I googled and read lots and was left in no doubt he has narcissistic personality disorder. 20 years of complete hell. Lies, cheating, gaslighting, emotional and mental torture. I can't put into words how bad it was. And if you know anything about this type of abuse it destroys you as a person and makes you doubt everything, including your own sanity. So once I got over the intial shock of him leaving it was a HUGE relief not to be subjected to that anymore. And I started to see how badly he had treated me. But when I realised he had an actual personality disorder, and absolutely NOTHING I ever did would have changed that, well that was kind of devasting to me. What a fool I had been. Best years of my life wasted. All they crying and trying to make things better. And also the realisation that none of our life together meant a thing to him. Devastating.

And now I'm tired. I spent 20 years dragging myself thorugh one crisis (created by him) to the next. Kept going when all I wanted to do was die. I went quite crazy at times. Like a mad woman. And was made to feel like it was all me. My fault. That there was something wrong with me. I was also very ill for a long time and was very scared, and he gave me NO support whatsoever. Sat looking at porn and ignoring me. Never once came to GP or hospital with me. Plus we had moved hundreds of miles away so I had no-one else. That was for 7 years. Cried every day. Stress levels sky high constantly. In constant despair/turmoil/confusion/desperation/lonliness and so on.

Then we moved back and things just got worse, his behaviour got so bad it's actually unbelievable some of the things he did and said. And then he left. And apparently it was MY fault.

So that was over two years ago and I have failed two attempts at claiming ESA  (which I nearly took my life over) and am now on my third try. I am waiting to hear about PIP. I have just started with a physio. And I was referred to psychiatry, which I really feel I need, but after an initial meeting with a mental health nurse (who wanted me to see someone) was told that they couldn't see me again just now as I am already on a waiting list for health psychology (for the fibro). And the waiting list for that is months long, if not over a year.

I'm tired Debbie. I did all my fighting and pushing on when I was married. I can't do it anymore. I'm burned out, head, body and heart. And to top it all off, before the fibro diagnosis, I had more than one GP fobbing me off and telling me to get out more, and go for walks. So I got a dog. I also got her as every time the kids were away at their dad's my mood dropped very very low. But I can't get out. I'm trapped inside because of how I feel. So she toilets everywhere and the flat is a hell hole. I'm living in squalor. So are the kids. Life is bad. Very very bad.

I certainly can relate...to a point. My daughter's ex-boyfriend of two years is also a narcissist. She actually blogs about it. I could ask her for a link.

However, you are a person who is on earth for a reason. I know you are probably thinking what my daughter tells me all the time...she is broke, will be homeless soon, can't find a boyfriend, can't find a job, and hates living, so what's her purpose???

It's the end of the world for her and she wishes she wouldn' t wake up in the morning. It's so hard for you and her. NO ONE deserves to feel that way. I wish I could do more for you and her. I feel so helpless.

But reading your post, gave me more insight as to how bad it can be. Keep writing, keep me posted. I just care so much about people suffering--wishing life would end. I wish I could do more.

Thank you Debbie. I'm very sorry to hear about your daughter. I wish so much that I could warn my ex's new partner. They are just about to move in together with her youngest child. It won't last. He has already been engaged to 'the love of his life' and lived with her and her son. That lasted 18 months before he came home to a note (good for her!!). There have been more short lived ones, who were also 'the one' and therefore introduced to my children .  And it's only been two and a half years! I hope your daughter can heal. I haven't been able to tell my parents. So they have no idea everything I have been through. I'm glad you are able to support your daughter.

Yep...her ex has blamed every woman for their break-ups, when in reality, it was him. Always, cheating, lying, and playing the victim. Always said it was "her" fault that he cheated. Unbelievable.

Hi Mari... I'm so sorry that someone has been so heartless to do something like this. One of my friends herself had to undergo a divorce from a narcissistic husband. These people seem to have a knack for making the other person feel like they are the ones at fault! The guy made her her life hell, with all his random bizzarre rules and self preoccupation, and in the end cheated her for someone else as well. 

My friend went through a tough time, low mood...but now she is in a very good state. For one thing, she knows that it is definitely NOT YOUR FAULT that another person didn't treat you properly, with the care and respect you so deserve. People who emotionally abuse have a knack of manipulaating others in a way that the others get confused, feel trapped and won't be able to get out of that relationship for a long time. It's natural, and it occurs to many.

She reads up on articles related to it, empowers herself , did many of the activities that were almost prohibited by her husband when she was married, and most importantly, invested time and energy just for herself- in pampering herself with things, people or activities that she liked. And she has been able to reach a good place in life. Maybe the kind of things that might give you meaning might be different, but I just want you to remember that there is hope. 

Hi Rose, I'm glad your friend is in a better place now. I've read many articles on their behaviour since I realised what he is. It helps to hear that other people have been through exactly the same manipulations, as it does re-affirm that it wasn't me who was the 'crazy', 'immature' and 'selfish' one! Not that I would wish this to happen to anyone else. It's such a cruel form of abuse. I actually used to wish he would just outright hit me so I could report him to the police.

One of the stuggles I am having with all this though is that I was 19 when I met him and 39 when he left. My life was a virtual void for all that time. A wasted life. I can't turn back time and it's hard at 41 and being so ill right now to see what kind of a life I might have left. Sorry, that is really depressing! 

oh dear...I can only imagine how sad and confusing all this must be for you. It is indeed quite some time, I guess. It must feel difficult to move on with life without that person too, in some way, I guess. There might be no point thinking about the many "what-ifs" I guess. It's easy for the rest to say what all you can do, how you hould forget everything and enjoy the many things that life has to offer you.But no advice is good enough I believe. I just hope you are able to find the best way to cope with this. And I hope there are people and things around you that cheers you up when you feel too down. Is there anything that I/ the rest of us here can do to help you in any way?

Hi Rose, a hug would be nice . I've been ok today. Talking on here has helped. Like a lot of people my mood goes up and down. It's overwhelming at times. 

Hi, took me a few searches but I found it! Obviously your daughter's story is different from mine, but the barefaced lies, the constant changes in story, the cheating and being secretive, I can recognise very well. I wonder how I have been portrayed to his recent women! And how they have been portrayed to each other!!

I have not even read hers, but thought maybe you could relate in some way. I hope you are feeling better today.

Hi Debbie, oh, I suppose you would rather not know. It's very good!

Yes, feeling a bit better today. Thanks xx

I hope you are. I really feel for you and it helps me to understand what my daughter is going through.