I can't get over a 3 year relationship and i'm breaking down.
Posted , 3 users are following.
First of all i know that many people have had it much worse than me,i know i'm being over -dramatic but i'm breaking down day by day and it's only getting progressively worse.
I had a 3 year relationship with this girl.
She was not my first relationship but it is the first that lasted this long.
We met through a mutual contact online and things worked out from there.After 2 months we started our relationship and 3 more months after that i got sceptical since i didn't believe in long-distance.
She wanted to prove to me she was serious so she flew in and visited me,we bonded together like i've never bonded with any other human being.I have so many good memories of her.
Second time we met i asked her if she had slept with the dude that introduced us and she said no,she even swore on her baby cousin.My insticts were screaming that she was lying and everything in my body was telling me so but i went against my insticts and chose to believe her.
The mutual friend contact me through Skype telling me that i was doing a mistake and that i shouldn't get in a relationship with her and he told me that he slept with her to persuade me to leave her.
I confronted her about it and she admitted it with the reason that "She was afraid of losing me."I felt betrayed,humiliated but chose to continue with the promise she wouldn't lie anymore.
Next thing i found out was that 1 month into our relationship she was flirting with 2-3 guys on facebook.I broke down in anger and wanted to leave the room we were in but she kept blocking the door and pushing me back and that's where i f****d up,i grabbed her hair and pushed her aside.
I regreted everything as soon as i walked out so i went back and apologised and hugged her,i still feel sorry to this day for doing that to a woman but me being sorry changes nothing.
Things moved on for about 8 months where we'd visit each other on holidays and generally have a good time.She kept lying and breaking promises but nothing too bad.
After 1 year and a half we decided to meet her parents,nothing special happened there and we had a great time with them.
2 years in and she still didn't give up on small lies and breaking promises and i was starting to get stingy for it.She was getting jealous all the time,i never cheated on her,was always there for her though she was always there for me too.I know she loved me,she would do anything for me no matter what it was and she did.
It was getting overshadowed and i told her that she would eventually mature (we're both 22 at that time) and she would leave me so i'd take the action first and she begged and bargained and in the end i always gave up cause i couldn't leave her,she'd go down without me back to being depressed and working for her mother that she didn't live with anymore.
I just couldn't.
2 years and a couple of months she was complaining how i didn't let her make friends which was untrue,i repeated to her that she can get friends,even male,i wouldn't mind and she told me that i'm only saying that but as soon as she does i would over react,which was not true either.
A lot of stuff happened,good and bad and after awhile of peace we decided to get married,3 years in and 2 weeks before the date she says she wants to leave me and that she has decided it.I tried to stop her and bargain but she had made up her mind,she blocked me everywhere and didn't give me a chance.
I felt devastated,i had made so many plans with her,moving in together,even quitting university for it,took loans to get enough money to move to her country (Switzerland),distanced myself from friends to not make her jealous so when she did that i was in denial.I was thinking to myself she is just playing games but that wasn't the case,she just left me,just like that.
She told me she needed space,she wasn't feeling like herself anymore and that she'd take a break from everything.
I asked her one favor,to return to me after she did all that and see if we can rekindle everything.
She promised she would,i knew she was lying.
Though i decided to respect her decision and left her alone,anguish filled ne in every corner of my stomach and throat, couldn't go out, couldn't talk to people,i locked myself in to not use anyone as my feeling cushion.
After awhile i decided i needed to get up and get myself together,got a job and started going to the gym and kept myself busy but i couldn't stop thinking about her.
I can't go with other women,i'm a healthy good looking person but i can't do one night stands and all, i just can't.This experience also ruined my will to meet new peoppe and everything felt like a waste of time.
2 months after the break i did no contact,i've held myself up to the point i couldn't take it anymore and i decided to contact her,just to ask her how she was,i was worried sick about her.
She responds telling me to not start any sh*t about getting back together,i told her not to worry i wanted to see how she was.
She said she couldn't be better and that she is seeing a new guy,she got a raise and worked less hours now(babysitting) and even rented her own place.
I didn't want to cause problems with the new guy since she was happy and i was so happy she was doing well my body felt whole again and i told her i was proud and that i was happy to hear that.
She then asked me if i got over it or i'm still being a kid about it and i told her i was not over but that i accepted it,reassured her i was always going to wait for in case anything happens and i'd always be there,that she could come back to me no matter what happened.
She said "good,thanks XD".
I know she doesn't care anymore but i love her and i know she used to love me more than any other human can love a human.
It's over for her now but it is not for me,i'm happy about her but it also means i can't do anything about it anymore,i've completly lost her.And i'm broken,i have to respect her new life but i don't know what to do with myself.
Im not interested in any other girls and all i'm left is waiting for her but every day that pit in my stomach is getting deeper.
I'm worried that i'll go crazy,i don't want to lose my mind and break down so i'm reaching out for advice.
I can't and i don't want to forget what we used to have,i love her so much it burns in my throat and i pity myself for it si e i used to be a confident,arrogant,stand-up guy and now i'm reduced to this,i don't want it to get worse.
How can i make waiting like this easier,i need to hold on and wait until she comes back or even if she doesn't (most likely) i still need to stay sane and not lose myself.
Thanks for reading this.
2 likes, 3 replies
john94307 Fulefafa
Posted
Most people go through these types of breakups in their 20s, whether it is your first "true" love or otherwise. You feel like you will never meet anyone else like this woman. Love takes on many different forms. It will never be the same as your relationship with your recent girlfriend, you just have to accept that and give yourself a chance to experience a relationship with someone else.
I went through a 6 month to 1 year depressive period where I lost a lot of weight due to a break up and was seeing a psychologist, etc. When you're in your 20s, everything seems so emotionalized, your hormones are raging out of control. The best medicine is time. I look back on my breakup some 20+ years ago, and realize that it worked out for the best. Like you, I was 22 years old. I'm happily married now and realize that my life goals were not consistent with my ex-girlfriend's at the time - she wanted a lot of kids, I wanted to continue my education. It was also a long distance relationship, which makes it difficult.
Stop making excuses for this woman. When you're in love, there is a tendency to make all sorts of excuses for the other person, rationalizing all sorts of bad behavior. This girl is a liar and it doesn't appear that she will change. She also sounds like she is not faithful. I remember thinking how I wasn't interested in any other women even though it was clear that my girlfriend at the time was doing everything to get out of the relationship. I just didn't want to accept it at the time and was bending over backwards to "make it work." I can tell you that "making it work" is not a viable solution. It took me a long time before I was even remotely interested in dating anyone else, but trust that you will meet someone else. Again, it will never be the same as your recent relationship, but love takes many forms. I would suggest going on antidepressants for a period of time until you can stabilize. Start hanging out with some of your friends that you've probably not seen in a while since you probably spent all your time with your girlfriend. Basically, you need to force yourself to get out of the rut and start fresh. Driving by places where you and your ex-girlfriend spent time and reminiscing is not healthy. Perhaps you need to just find another girlfriend that you can have sex with to get you over the hump. No one said you have to fall in love with the woman, just go out, have fun and have sex. Not everything has to be a full on commitment. Give yourself 6 months to get over it. Don't have any communication with your ex-girlfriend. Don't think that "well maybe we can get back together if I change, etc." Stop rationalizing it and accept the finality and move on. You will be better in the long run if you can just accept that the relationship has taken its course and it's time to move on.
hypercat Fulefafa
Posted
Hi from what you said it sounds like this relationship was far from healthy. Trust has to form an important part of any good lasting relationship but how can you have trust when she lied and cheated on you continually? I don't think deep down she trusted you either.
Are you sure it wasn't the idea of being in love and making this an idealised relationship that you miss more than the actual reality? It was a come down from all your dreams which has made you feel like this as well. You will meet someone else in the future but hopefully you have learned to take your rose coloured glasses off and see your prospective partner more clearly. x
Fulefafa hypercat
Posted
She didn't cheat continually,it only happened once and that was the first month when we weren't all serious about it so i couldn't be all mad about it.It makes me feel pathetic when i think about it now.
Our relationship had it's moments that outweighted everything else that happened.
She did a lot of stuff for me a person wouldn't do unless they were madly in love.I know she loved me and i hadn't given her a reason to distrust me.
Even now i know that if she ever comes back things will never be the same but i've learned a lot from what happened.I just want to hold on til i either get over it or she comes back,i just don't want to destroy my life while i do that cause i'm falling rapidly