I can't sleep and I'm constantly scared of dying
Posted , 4 users are following.
Hi my name is josh,
My anxiety started about 4 year ago whenever i watched my best friend and adopted brother die of a heroine overdose. I live in a suburb of Chicago and have seen and experienced many horrible things in my life. From a young age I suffered physical an depression mental abuse and was raised in very unstable situation so eventually leading me to the foster careful of a school friends grandparents. We lived an outlaw life style since freshman year and abused many drugs. It wasn't until I met a girl and fell in love that I gave up the childish life's I lived. After losing my brother things changed for me in a big way too. Watching someone die is weird. At first I felt nothing and I hid everything away and now it affects me daily. I get weird sensations and a man scared to do anything even workout. I can't focus on what anyone says and can talk connect with people. I don't want to take Meds because iv tried that before and it made things much much worse. I just want to live a normal life. Any tips?
0 likes, 10 replies
MarvinMartian joshua28585
Posted
" Watching someone die is weird. At first I felt nothing" I can relate to this because I have experienced this and I know other people that said the same thing. In my case, I felt guilty for not feeling much. Eventually, I figured out that it was the only way I could cope. Being powerless to save a family member made me a bit at ease because no other options existed but to accept it. I think that is a normal response. I can say that I was close to death several times myself and I was also at ease then too despite how sometimes I worry about death any other time. Getting close to the real thing was not nearly as bad as my anxiety over it.
" I get weird sensations and a man scared to do anything even workout." I get frequent panic attacks. The fear is getting another one. They say exercise is good for anxiety. However, I also can not work out. Exercise has the same symptoms as panic attacks. Heart beats faster, you get out of breath, blood flow is redirected to your muscles and you can get sensations of dizziness. Runners love those strange feelings, they call it a runners high. I recognize those feeling as a panic attack coming on and avoid it. What I do is exercise only when I feel well. If cardio and a fast heart rate bother me I lift minor weights instead. Sometimes after doing weights I get more confident and end up doing a little cardio anyways. Ease into it and it becomes easier over time.
joshua28585 MarvinMartian
Posted
Marvin Martian, you're the first person iv talked to that knows the feeling. I hate it I use to be strong and no way I feel like nothing. I can't even talk to girls anymore. I keep telling myself I'm sickness and every test every doctor everything says I'm wrong. I just don't want to be like this anymore. I'm sorry you've had to experience This too. Am doing I couldn't put it in better words. "Powerless" I said exactly how I felt I abandoned all emotion because of it. I'm sorry if my replays all over the place but I'm a bit emotional right now because of all this.
borderriever joshua28585
Posted
You seem to have not come to terms with your past, the most important thing you now need to do is talk with those who knew your friends and Brother etc. The conversation needs to be inclusive of things you did both good and bad and come to understand the sadness and possible anger of your loss.
In the UK we would advise you to talk to a Councillor, that may be arranged by your GP or some Voluntary Agencies dealing in Mental Health and Grief of those departed. Your doctor should be able to advise
Good Luck
BOB
joshua28585 borderriever
Posted
Thank you BOB
I'll try my best to come to terms with it. I have crying spells sometimes when I think about it. Sometimes I just get angry at home for husband decisions that led to it. As far as husband friends go I cannot associate with them they are not good people. But I still have partial contact with husband grandparents. Maybe that'll be a good place to start.
joshua28585 borderriever
Posted
joanne58498 joshua28585
Posted
joshua28585 joanne58498
Posted
Thank you Joanne,
Iv hadn't theropist and counselors yes. But I haven't been able to really connect with any of them. They have good life's it seems. I feel like they talk down to me. I don't really understand how there methods can help. The last counselor had me take Ann in test for some reason. I scored in the 85th percentile which I guess is okay for a high school dropout. But other than that I didn't see the point. It seemed like he just wanted my money. Normally he'd just sit there and wait for me to say something occasionally looking at his watch. Then he suggested meds and that was it for me. I never went back.
joanne58498 joshua28585
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joshua28585 joanne58498
Posted
HI Joanne
The reason I made against Meds is because in transition from a foster house into my friends I was institutionalized for threats of killing myself . They diagnosed me with chronic depression and put me on meds. This was just the first of many prescriptions they tried to put me on none of them worked and many had terrible side effects. At one point they hadn't me on 70 xanax a month and it pretty much ruined my life. I don't trust pysciatrist at all. And I'm very against meds of any kind.
MarvinMartian joshua28585
Posted
I too responded BADLY to meds, they scare the crap out of me. Unlike you, I had a perfect childhood, nice neighborhood and all so I can not relate well to you that way.. However, as an adult, I worked in Baltimore and was exposed to many things similar to what you probably went through. Witness a lot of things that I wish that I have never seen. Lost several friends, family members, and my son. Eventually, I will probably get enough courage to try another med, they say it's a matter of finding the correct one and I just want my life back sooooo badly.
I tried a therapist early on and it only added more stress. I also found it useless and expensive and only caused me to work harder to pay for it causing even more anxiety. That was about 10 years ago. About a year ago I tried it again and found one that actually helped. This time my insurance paid the tab too.
I absolutely hate interacting with people. I don't trust doctors and I don't trust meds. I think most people have alternative selfish motives. However what helped me a lot was a 5 day a week day program of group therapy. An outpatient day hospital program. You are not locked into a building so you could run out if needed. You get access to private therapy and a doctor once a week. But what I found was interacting with other people in group therapy every day from all walks of life and hearing their life stories fascinating, depressing and made me a bit angry because it is a shame how we treat other people. I found myself getting lots of good ideas and feedback. I surprised myself when I was able to share some things. It helped me realize whats important, the fact that I am not alone and learned more about my own personality. I would say that 95% people that suffer from anxiety put other people ahead of their own needs, forgive others but don't forgive themselves. Overall it was a positive experience and got my brain focused on more than my own anxiety.
I will share some tricks that help me at times. 1) Deep breathing makes me worse, I get too paranoid I am breathing wrong but for some, it helps. 2) Many times when driving a car I will become light headed and dizzy. Cracking the window and letting the wind hit my head masks this sensation and my anxiety drops. 3) Feeling out of breath with a choking sensation drinking water tends to reset things for me and loosen up my chest a bit. I always have a bottle of water with me. I joke and call it my security water much like a kid with a security blanket that must go everyplace. 4) Excitement and anxiety symptoms are the same. Anxiety is a depressed state excitement is a happy state. Sometimes I can trick my mind into thinking I am excited instead. It is easier to recover from. So if I have high anxiety going someplace I tell my self "I am excited to go to this place because it will help me get better or whatever positive reason you can think of.