I can't take any more and I can't accept help. I don't know what to do or who I am any more.

What are the odds that I would find your posting? I sit here in Canada doing a random web search for a med investigation for a physician on depression and come across your letter 32 minutes after you posted it. Look, have you felt like this your whole life? Probably not. So is it possible that this will go away? Probably so. There is nothing I can say that will make these feelings go away though. The wiring in your brain is a little off right now and is "telling" you all these horrible things. You have to find some way to "rewire" your brain and that's either through medication or psychotherapy or preferably both. The problem with medications is that you can often feel worse in other ways. The aim though is to feel better psychologically and emotionally and deal with the other problems as they come up. I'm not sure how your system works over there but it is important that you be safe. You sound like you have a wonderful boyfriend that you aren't "connecting with". Of course not, there is too much going on in your head for that to happen right now but do reach out to him, you'll need support through this (and if you connected before, you'll connect again when the wires return to regular functioning). You say you do not want to go to an institution, understandable, who does? But will the institution help you in the long run....short term pain for long term gain. Having the ability to get stabilized in a safe environment is really beneficial (even if you don't really like the environment). Research some sites with your boyfriend and see if you can find one that you can be comfortable with. Going in and out of care as it seems you are doing right now probably won't get you back to where you want to be. Having a GP try different meds on you isn't helpful either, a specialist who can follow you in a contained environment, who can see how things are or are not progressing, who can see any side effects as they happen will surely get you back on your feet. Just keep in mind that no matter how dark the tunnel appears, there is light at the end, maybe it's just around a corner and you can't see it. You owe it to yourself to keep travelling until you get there. Good luck and know that there are people who care.

Hel, I kno how you feel because I ave had depressimany years anbeen on a lot of diffeent anti depressants.  I had side effects from som them, butothers did help.

I don't know why you say you are not really ill.  You sound very ill to me.  As ill as I was when I went into a psychiatric hospital for treatment.  Why do you feel guilty?  You have depression which is a serious illness.  Do you think a mental illness is less serious than a physical illness? Not true at all.  Look how serious  if it makes people want to end ther own lives. 

We are not wasting peoples time, they are there to help us.  No you are not making it up.  Thousands of people have depression.  Just read some of the other posts on this site, it will make you feel less alone.  Many of us here feel like you do now.  Oh gosh you sound just like I did when I was in the acute stage and so very ill with depression. Tell the home team how you feel, don't say you   are fine if you are not. 

Keep writing here if it helps.  Honestly you are not alone in how you feel.

I feel the same as you I know that's of no help but the thing is I understand how you feel and the thing is your not alone I have got to the point where I just don't know what to do anymore. I just live in the hope that it will pass so I'm not going to convince myself that it will always be like this. I have learnt to accept that this is the way it is right now but hoping it will soon pass

The worst thing you can do is hate yourself.  You must love yourself, look in to the mirror and say to yourself 'I love you and I'm lovable just because I'm me'.  You don't have to be perfect, nobody is perfect.  Trying to be perfect puts incredible pressure on you and sets you up to 'fail'.  There is no such thing as failure.   You're a frail, scared lovable human being who's finding life all too tough at the moment, as are many of us who use this website.  But things will get better, and please try and be honest with your team, they are not there to judge you, and you don't have to please them by saying you're fine when you're not.

There are lots of different techniques to help your head to calm down, anti depressants are very useful but there are things like CBT as well, which can give you methods for slowing thoughts down.  Good luck