I can't tell if it's depression or if depression changed my outlook on life. Also living with

Hi,

I cant tell if I am still depressed or just living with the consequences of being depressed.

I am hoping to get some help on the issue to work out what i should do.

I will give some context.

When I was around 14-15 years old I started to like the idea of travelling. I decided after university I will travel abroad and probably work there to see if I like it.

During university I had to take a year out for health reasons. I had migraines and the medication they gave I had some bad side effects with. I ended up in hospital and that along with insomnia(sleeping 2 hours a night for a period of 3 weeks), food poisoning from chicken and around 4 causes of bad Cellulitis within a couple of months made my mental health decline. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety disorder and had to take CBT. I also ended up in hospital because of panic attacks a few times because my mental health was a wreck.

I ended university and decided to get a job since i was desperate for money and I had to decide on either staying in the country with my girlfriend or leaving her. I also want to say I loved this girl so much, even when she drove me insane (arguing nothing major), she was always there for me and her smile still makes my heart jump.

Over the years I kept getting the feeling I wanted to travel. I also had people saying do it when you're young and not old.

Fast forward to a year ago. My grandad died(we weren't close), in the funeral they said don't live with regret, if there is something you want to do, do it before its too late. When they said that it did stick with me and for a few weeks i was upset about that.

Then last December I had some more life issues. I had a cancer scare, I was depressed and I was about to lose my job and possibly career. When this happened I was depressed really badly and i kept thinking about how i put others and goals that aren't really important to me behind my own goals. It poisoned the depression into a regret that broke my morale compass(its a short term solution to end your life). I never thought about taking my life but during that period it was easier to think about not living with the regret than living with it. Everyday I had those thoughts. It got a lot more dark than that but I don't want to say.

The depression in December I would say was around 10x worse than what I had in university.

The depression went and the feeling about taking my life also went. Then a few months later I still wasn't happy, I was still thinking about why I didn't travel and do my life goal. All of the normal things didn't help boost my happiness. Going for walks daily, socialising, healthy bed time, talking about the issue etc.

It was like I was drunk. Every time i went for a walk instead of taking it in and enjoying it, it was like a blur and I was thinking what is the point i just missed my goal for others.

I decided to travel alone. I am still with my girlfriend so I didn't do it for long. I wanted to get lost in the country and feel but I can't because it feels to short and I have to decide if I like it.

Also because of the regret it poisoned my relationship and made me think she was the reason why i never did what I wanted to. I also thought how can I love someone if I don't even love myself. I stopped feeling much when those issues in December occurred. I also had my doubts in the past but its a 8 year relationship, I assume doubts are completely normal once in a while (especially if you are prone to anxiety). Also whenever i see the photos of her smiling my heart still jumps. I know I still care for her deeply but i don't know if this is love anymore. I am irritable when we talk to her as well.

I have to decide on two things.

If I want to be with her or not. I can't decide right now since my head is a mess but I have to. For her sake more than mine. She is 30 if she leaves it longer it will become harder for her.

If I want to travel. If I do I risk a good job and a good career. I don't care for it and I can probably find a lower seniority in a different company easily. The work life balance and stress is really good right now (it hasn't been in the past).

My life goals are simple.

Travel

I want to care for someone.

Live with no regrets.

Have a family in a couple of years.

Be happy.

Shamefully because I left it too long the regret will always be there no matter what I decide. I don’t know if I will ever be truly happy. I hate myself even more for putting her in this situation and myself.

I want to ask these questions.

Based on what i wrote above, I don't think its depression anymore but living with the consequences of having a really bad period that changed my priorities. Is that correct?

How can I make a correct decision with this feeling of hatred for myself right now and for it not to be a self-destructive action?

Any suggestions on these massive issues would be also be really helpful.

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