I did it!

For those that didn't see my last post, my band suggested that if i feel upto it I could play a gig with them that they were going to do regardless, and i did it!

First practice went okay, that was around 3/4, I felt myself dipping near the end of that, but I was hungry so tried my best to shut out all my anxieties and worries that i can't do it etc, and focused on that. Then I went home whilst they went to soundcheck etc, we'd agreed i'd turn up at the place about half an hour before we go on so i could rest as much as possible, and whilst i was at home i was really starting to panic, the anxiety was getting the best of me, and looking back i had like a mini panic attack. Worrying about every little thing that could go wrong, besides oddly enough me actually playing because i know i can play the songs fine, it was just worrying about how i'd feel after (i'll get to that), and just general anxiety of going out and seeing people cause it's been so long since i've been in a social situation like that! Well i managed to calm myself by meditating and drowning myself in green tea, for the meditation btw i've found some calming meditation/yoga music that really helps me to relax and would recommend for people when the anxiety gets really bad!

I hadn't actually confirmed with the band that i would play, we said I'd see how i'd feel closer to us going on (which was half 9) so it was half 8 at the latest that i said i'd let them know and after meditation, green tea and talking to my family at the last minute i confirmed that i would go!

The venue itself is about 10/15 minute drive from my house and the drive itself was fine, so i got there went in saw everyone, because quite a lot of my friends were there too aswell as obviously the band and whilst the other band that were playing before us were on i had to go outside a few times just to chill out, thankfully i took a big flask of green tea (very rock n roll i know) which always helps. I can't recommend it enough for dealing with anxiety and just generally feeling crap! But yeah then the other band finishes we go on, I bring a stool on stage to sit on because our set was an hour and standing for an hour would be draining enough nevermind playing! But yeah it went great! I mean there were a few technical difficulties (including my amp somehow unplugging halfway through a song!), but it was fine because it was a small venue so the crowd were mainly just my friends and we could laugh it off etc. By the end I felt pretty drained but i'd got so far that i didn't want to stop and managed to persevere to the end! And oh my god the relief and happiness when we finished, honestly teared up a little it was just brilliant. That alone makes it all worth it.

After we played i stuck around for like half an hour and unfortunately i guess there were two negatives, first i did feel left out when speaking to my friends altogether, i guess mainly because everyone was drinking and i still don't feel upto it so i was probably the only sober person in the venue! Secondly my ex was there, obviously i'd rather not go into details and to be fair the past few days she's got back in touch and been supportive but yeah the way things turned out it would've been much better if she hadn't turned up, but that's life i guess.

So i'm driving back feeling happy, relieved but I do definitely feel pretty crap at the same time too. Get home around half 11 and watch tv a little before bed and end up getting a lovely bout of insomnia and woke up at 4 unable to get back to sleep again until like 7, and i've only just got up now at around half 11.

So right now I feel abit more off then usual, but i wouldn't say dreadful or anything. When i was awake in the night i felt truly horrendous but that's gone now thankfully. It is the morning though and I always feel dreadful in the morning regardless of if it ends up being a "good" or "bad" day, so it's hard to tell if this has pushed me way too much, hopefully not. Regardless it was worth it.

I'd say it's honestly one of the bravest things i've ever done in my life. I mean i've barely left the house in 6 months! I've still not fully processed it all really. I'd say to people who have missed out on something they are absolutely passionate about because of this dreadful virus it might be worth seeing if you can push yourself to do it just once. I agree completely that rest is so important with this virus, especially during the first 4-6 months, but I feel like coming over the anxiety of "i cant do this because it'll make me feel crap" is a big step towards overcoming this illness. Thinking like that ends up being a self fulfilling prophecy, and i know it's difficult i've been there many times and cancelled plans or whatever because i've felt crap and that's not a bad thing! It's important to listen to your body, but at the same time if you are missing out on something you absolutely love then why not at least give it just one go! Yeah it might make you feel crap for a few weeks but don't we all feel like that anyway? The really bad feeling will pass and you'll be left with an achievement that you managed to push yourself past your fears and anxieties and I think that's really important to getting over this virus.

Also thankyou to everyone who replied on my thread yesterday your words of encouragement help me so much.

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