I did my anxiety is caused by my husband. Lost. What should I do?

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I had my first attended suicidal action with my husband because of stress. I also hit him in anger of arguments. But I decided to calm and change myself. I went to therapy and took medicine just to better myself. When I ask him to change as in take medicine to stop smoking and go to therapy he puts excuses. I been wanting to leave him for a while but also trying to use him to get things. As get my I.d and get my green card. Right now I'm starting to get my cna. But it's been so frustrating at times. The feels toward him that I had are slowly starting to decrease. Anyone please help me. Advice!??

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  • Posted

    Goodness me!

    You want to leave him but also use him to get things? That makes you appear calculating.

    Do you or did you ever care for him at all? You say you used to hit him?

    I don't understand this post at all

    It just comes across as an unhealthy relationship..for him anyway.

    Are you asking should you stay or go or what?

     

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    • Posted

      I do care about him. Through the bad time he been Thur I been there. I have been i believe a good wife. If I want him to quit smoking for his health I believe I'm caring for him

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    • Posted

      Is he good to you, Judi? I can't believe it's just the smoking issue that upsets you.

      If he's a good man then there are ways to overcome issues

      If he's bad then you don't need him. No one needs a bad husband. It just destroys your mental and physical health  and eventually your life and despite promises, nothing ever changes

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    • Posted

      He's a good father good husband. But I wish he can understand what makes anxiety high. I guess what trigger this post is that he pick me up 30min late from class, his brother was sitting in front I was in back, and his brother was smoking and my husband did nor said nothing

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    • Posted

      Have you tried discussing your anxiety problems with him?

      I know it's hard to get through to anyone who has never had anxiety to understand how awful it truly is

      You say he is a good husband and father? Those are the foundations you must build on, Judi.

      I can understand, if you hate smoking, how annoyed you must have felt that his brother was smoking in the car. Your husband probably didn't like saying anything to him. It's awkward telling off a close relative. It might have caused an argument between them. I guess your husband was trying to avoid that.

      It wasn't worth your getting upset over either, even if it was disrespectful of his brother to smoke in front of you

      Were I you I'd make a list of all the anxiety triggers and try to talk through them with your husband in hope of finding a solution

      It's hard for a non smoker to persuade someone addicted to nicotine, to stop. It's something they have to want to do themselves. Nagging, shouting and arguing with them won't make it happen either

      Helen

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    • Posted

      I'm still uncertain what help you are asking for, Judi

      You say he is a good husband and father yet you hit him in anger?

      You also said you use him to get your ID and Green Card?

      Do you realize how that comes across?

      There are some lovely responses, from a women who has struggled through illness and maintained her marriage, another from someone who tried so very hard yet has a man who will never change.

      Both brave souls and to be admired for their strength of character and their courage

      But the only issues you mention are his smoking and your ID/Green Card

      Very disturbing

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  • Posted

    I changed myself for so long!my daughter dad was mental torture ,I wanted to be with him because he was my daughter dad I went through hitting! him cheating (I didn't want to believe it) I was shy ,quiet and thought I could do it. Today after ten years I realise he would never change. Sorry if this is negative but move on I wish it would work to this day but hitting and mental kill is no good. I'm positive to my amazing daughter and she is infact I don't know how but she encouraged me to move on and I don't want her to be with someone like that x

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  • Posted

    Hi Judi,

    I've been married to my husband for almost 5 years now. I personally suffer from depression, anxiety and my husband is well aware of my suicidal tendencies, so I can really relate. Medication helped me when I was in a severely low point. And personally, there are times when my feelings have almost gone for him to come back again a few days or weeks later. It's just my depression that comes and goes. And when I'm having a good day, I think back and am thankful I didn't make a decision based on how bad I was feeling and how bad we were doing as a couple. That's just my personal experience, not saying don't choose divorce if things absolutely aren't working out. A lot of our problems come from his parents who are controlling, catty, narcissistic, you name it, we've dealt with it.

    Have you had a talk with him, about where you two are going as a couple and if he feels the same way you do?

    Hang in there. It's a lot of ups and downs.

    Did you ever try counseling, for just you? I saw a counselor referred to me by my doctor for my anxiety and depression, who suggested later on that it was ok to bring my husband along, too. At least you've tried to get your husband to come, but bring that up in the talk with him and express with him how you certainly would appreciate his company there with you so you two can heal together as a couple.

    Take care 

    Rachel

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    • Posted

      Wow! What a lovely post!

      It's sad that the unpleasantness of others can influence people's relationships

      You obviously have a strong relationship, a caring husband that loves you and goes that extra mile to help you

      It was interseting, and doubtless of enormous help to others, that you say depression alters one's perception.and feelings.

      From my heart I wish you all the best, I truly do!

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    • Posted

      With due respect to all the men out there, there are a lot who avoid any kind of therapy. The majority of men avoid discussing private thoughts and feelings. It's more a woman thing. WE let it all hang out. They keep it all in.

      I have been married many, many years to a good man. But if I tried to get him into therapy I'd have to hogtie him first....and even then he wouldn't speak, lol

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