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Hello. Where do I even start? I don't know. My post might seem triggering to some, becasue I'm having a lot of suicidal thoughts and wishes. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm not sure if I have depersonalization or anedonia, or both, or neither. First off, I'm only 16 years old, turning 17 in a few months. Basically, I feel like I'm outside of my body SOMETIMES. A lot of times, but not necessarily all the time? I guess I have this floating feeling almost all the time though? Idk. Derealization is there too but I don't really mind it.
When I do experience this out-of-body feeling, I'd described it in my writing as:
"I don't feel like I'm real. My body feels like it's made of paper or a translucent sheet. It feels hollow, empty, weightless, but most importantly nonexistent. My surroundings and the entire world around me feel 2-D and fake. The things that are even right in front of me feel like they're a million miles away, like they will never be able to be in my reach in order for me to be able to touch them, even when the object is right in front of my face.
My head is a balloon floating around in space. My arms and legs do not feel like they are apart of my body. I live in a movie, a fake world."
But these feelings don't even bother me really, not when this other problem that I have is much more disturbing and makes life a literal living hell. I have completely lost the ability to feel emotion. Like totally, 100%. I haven't felt any emotion for nearly 5 months now, since I woke up one morning in late December, pretty sure it was December 28th, and I was numb. Nothing. I had a 5-6 month period of complex, slowly accumulating major trauma before this happened and the traumas that caused this are still ongoing and they are not things that I can do anything about. I know numbness can be a response to trauma, but I literally cannot feel AT ALL and it's been 5 months and every second I'm conscious, I feel like I died and am the living dead, or I died and I'm in hell. I have completely lost my identity. My personality. A sense of being something. Now I am nothing at all. I have no emotions at all, not to anything, not at any given point in time. No connection to other human beings, unable to formulate the bond of friendship or any type of relationship, I do not feel anything with animals, my family, my past, myself. Nothing.
If this sounds like a living hell that you are unable to even fathom, then you are probably correct. A puppy feels no different to me than a lamp does. A gun could be pressed up on my head with the trigger set to be pulled, my life about to be over, and I wouldn't be able to feel any anxiety or fear, fight or flight symptoms would not be there. I don't have fight or flight symptoms when presented with danger. Something must be biologically wrong with me, but doctors can't figure out what. I'm just too damaged from intense suffering everyday for a long period of time, and even years before that, since I was 12 really, and now my brain is completely shut down and I can't turn it back on no matter what I do. It's simply nothing, it's a complete mental and emotional shutdown of the mind. I can't even distract myself from it by being entertained by anything. I can't have any interest in a conversation, can't get into a book, can't feel a sense of enjoyment or anything when I listen to music even. A constant eternal boredom that cannot be filled, my body is like a plastic bag with a hole at the top and a hole at the bottom, where anything that goes inside of me, any stimulus, anything at all, just falls right back out. There is no relief, almost never. It's constantly like this everyday all the time, every second of every minute of every hour. Blankness. Emptiness. Nothingness. No emotion. No connection. But most people I've talked to who have depersonalization-derealization disorder, what my symptoms most closely resemble (I think?), aren't completely without emotion like what I have. And that worries me even more. I can't find anyone like me, everyone thinks I'm crazy and no one can help. My therapist knows nothing. No one knows anything about this. No 16 year old should be walking around with no emotion, no ability to feel guilt or remorse if I murdered a bunch of babies even maybe, idk how far this numbness goes. It's so crazy because I was a HSP, a highly sensitive person before, I used to feel so much and it was bad and now I'm the complete opposite and it's worse. It's not sociopathy becasue sociopaths can still feel certain emotions. I don't even feel desire or passion or anything, I have no purpose, no goals, becasue I can't feel the feelings needed for that. I think I am an extreme mental case above the normal mental health problems that people face and are familiar with. I am living in hell. This state of dissociation and disconnection actually feels like I'm already dead, I'm literally the living dead. A robot. A functioning body with a thinking mind, but numb to absolutely any emotion at all. ANY EMOTION AT ALL, NOT NUMBNESS FROM DEPRESSION.
I can't stand talking to my friends everyday. I can't keep bearing to hear about their normal lives and I hate that they can feel emotion but I can't (but I don't actually feel hate on an emotional level, it's just more of a constant feeling of suffering that's not actually an emotion). I don't even want to talk to anyone anymore, it's too hard.
An existence like this is not worth living with for years and years, if that's to be the case. If you don't agree with this statement, you don't understand.
I can't take another day of this, not even another hour of this. If I'm not able to feel any emotion still in a few years, I'm surely going to kill myself, no one can live like this, I feel NOTHING. I can't find a term for this either. Anedonia doesn't even fit this, becasue most people with it say they can still feel negative emotions like sadness and anger. I simply feel none.
Someone please help. I have no hope. I watched a puppy almost get hit with a car today and I didn't feel anything. No empathy, no anything. I don't even feel things like "ugh it's Monday" or any sort of mood. I don't even have feelings like "I'd rather eat pizza than a burger." I have no mood. Just flat. Neutral. Nothing. Numb. Empty. Robot. I've become an actual human robot after such intense cumulative trauma over years, after once being a vibrant and intensely emotional child. I mean, I don't even have sexuality or a gender anymore, I can't feel a sense of gender. Or a sense of being human, period. I feel nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing Nothing. I'm getting professional help, but NO therapist knows what to do. I'm better off dead, idk. Someone? Anyone? Anyone have the same thing? Is this normal with depersonalization? To be THIS EMOTIONLESS? Or am I some loner mental nut?
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