I Don't Feel Emotions At All-NOT DEPRESSION (Depersonalization?)

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Hello. Where do I even start? I don't know. My post might seem triggering to some, becasue I'm having a lot of suicidal thoughts and wishes. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm not sure if I have depersonalization or anedonia, or both, or neither. First off, I'm only 16 years old, turning 17 in a few months. Basically, I feel like I'm outside of my body SOMETIMES. A lot of times, but not necessarily all the time? I guess I have this floating feeling almost all the time though? Idk. Derealization is there too but I don't really mind it.

When I do experience this out-of-body feeling, I'd described it in my writing as:

"I don't feel like I'm real. My body feels like it's made of paper or a translucent sheet. It feels hollow, empty, weightless, but most importantly nonexistent. My surroundings and the entire world around me feel 2-D and fake. The things that are even right in front of me feel like they're a million miles away, like they will never be able to be in my reach in order for me to be able to touch them, even when the object is right in front of my face.

My head is a balloon floating around in space. My arms and legs do not feel like they are apart of my body. I live in a movie, a fake world."

But these feelings don't even bother me really, not when this other problem that I have is much more disturbing and makes life a literal living hell. I have completely lost the ability to feel emotion. Like totally, 100%. I haven't felt any emotion for nearly 5 months now, since I woke up one morning in late December, pretty sure it was December 28th, and I was numb. Nothing. I had a 5-6 month period of complex, slowly accumulating major trauma before this happened and the traumas that caused this are still ongoing and they are not things that I can do anything about. I know numbness can be a response to trauma, but I literally cannot feel AT ALL and it's been 5 months and every second I'm conscious, I feel like I died and am the living dead, or I died and I'm in hell. I have completely lost my identity. My personality. A sense of being something. Now I am nothing at all. I have no emotions at all, not to anything, not at any given point in time. No connection to other human beings, unable to formulate the bond of friendship or any type of relationship, I do not feel anything with animals, my family, my past, myself. Nothing.

If this sounds like a living hell that you are unable to even fathom, then you are probably correct. A puppy feels no different to me than a lamp does. A gun could be pressed up on my head with the trigger set to be pulled, my life about to be over, and I wouldn't be able to feel any anxiety or fear, fight or flight symptoms would not be there. I don't have fight or flight symptoms when presented with danger. Something must be biologically wrong with me, but doctors can't figure out what. I'm just too damaged from intense suffering everyday for a long period of time, and even years before that, since I was 12 really, and now my brain is completely shut down and I can't turn it back on no matter what I do. It's simply nothing, it's a complete mental and emotional shutdown of the mind. I can't even distract myself from it by being entertained by anything. I can't have any interest in a conversation, can't get into a book, can't feel a sense of enjoyment or anything when I listen to music even. A constant eternal boredom that cannot be filled, my body is like a plastic bag with a hole at the top and a hole at the bottom, where anything that goes inside of me, any stimulus, anything at all, just falls right back out. There is no relief, almost never. It's constantly like this everyday all the time, every second of every minute of every hour. Blankness. Emptiness. Nothingness. No emotion. No connection. But most people I've talked to who have depersonalization-derealization disorder, what my symptoms most closely resemble (I think?), aren't completely without emotion like what I have. And that worries me even more. I can't find anyone like me, everyone thinks I'm crazy and no one can help. My therapist knows nothing. No one knows anything about this. No 16 year old should be walking around with no emotion, no ability to feel guilt or remorse if I murdered a bunch of babies even maybe, idk how far this numbness goes. It's so crazy because I was a HSP, a highly sensitive person before, I used to feel so much and it was bad and now I'm the complete opposite and it's worse. It's not sociopathy becasue sociopaths can still feel certain emotions. I don't even feel desire or passion or anything, I have no purpose, no goals, becasue I can't feel the feelings needed for that. I think I am an extreme mental case above the normal mental health problems that people face and are familiar with. I am living in hell. This state of dissociation and disconnection actually feels like I'm already dead, I'm literally the living dead. A robot. A functioning body with a thinking mind, but numb to absolutely any emotion at all. ANY EMOTION AT ALL, NOT NUMBNESS FROM DEPRESSION.

I can't stand talking to my friends everyday. I can't keep bearing to hear about their normal lives and I hate that they can feel emotion but I can't (but I don't actually feel hate on an emotional level, it's just more of a constant feeling of suffering that's not actually an emotion). I don't even want to talk to anyone anymore, it's too hard.

An existence like this is not worth living with for years and years, if that's to be the case. If you don't agree with this statement, you don't understand.

I can't take another day of this, not even another hour of this. If I'm not able to feel any emotion still in a few years, I'm surely going to kill myself, no one can live like this, I feel NOTHING. I can't find a term for this either. Anedonia doesn't even fit this, becasue most people with it say they can still feel negative emotions like sadness and anger. I simply feel none.

Someone please help. I have no hope. I watched a puppy almost get hit with a car today and I didn't feel anything. No empathy, no anything. I don't even feel things like "ugh it's Monday" or any sort of mood. I don't even have feelings like "I'd rather eat pizza than a burger." I have no mood. Just flat. Neutral. Nothing. Numb. Empty. Robot. I've become an actual human robot after such intense cumulative trauma over years, after once being a vibrant and intensely emotional child. I mean, I don't even have sexuality or a gender anymore, I can't feel a sense of gender. Or a sense of being human, period. I feel nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing Nothing. I'm getting professional help, but NO therapist knows what to do. I'm better off dead, idk. Someone? Anyone? Anyone have the same thing? Is this normal with depersonalization? To be THIS EMOTIONLESS? Or am I some loner mental nut?

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8 Replies

  • Posted

    Hi emma15009

    We note from a recent post which you have made to our forum that you may be experiencing thoughts around self-harm. If we have misinterpreted your comments then we apologise for contacting you directly. But if you are having such thoughts then please note that you are not alone in this, and there are people out there that can help.

    If you are having these suicidal thoughts then we strongly recommend you speak to someone who may be able to help. The Samaritans offer a safe space where you can talk openly about what you are going through. They can help you explore your options, understand your problems better, or just be there to listen.

    Their contact details are on our patient information leaflet here: https://patient.info/health/dealing-with-suicidal-thoughts, which also offers lots of other advice on how you can access the help you may need.

    If you are having such thoughts then please do reach out to the team at the Samaritans (or the other people detailed in our leaflet) who will understand what you're going through and will be able to help.

    If you are based outside of the UK.

    The Samaritans is a UK based charity, but they also have suggestions for how you can access help in other countries.

    Please have a look at this page https://www.befrienders.org/directory

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  • Posted

    HI Emma.Hope youre ok sweetheart.Your message has had me in tears.

    I cant begin to understand what youre going through at the moment but my daughter has been going through exactly the same thing as you.

    Shes slowly getting better as shes starting to feel emotions again but its been a very slow process

    She too felt like she was out of her body and was just acting like she had emotions but felt dead inside.

    As her mum Ive felt so helpless as ive not known how to help her but through therapy, family support and endless talking, She is getting back to how she used to be.Very slowly as its been 2 years but she IS getting better

    Please do not give up and know that im here if you need someone to talk to x

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  • Posted

    Hi oh dear you are really going through it aren't you. I can say derealisasm, depersonalisation and dissociation are the minds attempts to prevent your brain from overload. It is a safety feature in all our brains which stops us going mad.

    Are you on any meds? Do you think hospitalisation could help you? Just some options. x

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  • Posted

    hi emma, i feel u. i am suffering from the same condition as you. my doctor has diagnose me with depersonalization. so, how have u been? coping well with that?

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  • Posted

    hi emma, i feel u. i am suffering from the same condition as you. my doctor has diagnose me with depersonalization. so, how have u been? coping well with that?

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  • Posted

    hi Emma hope this finds you well I've been going through the same. exact thing first diagnosed with major depression and now severe depersonalization no one can fix me. been going through this for 3 years 24/7 its unbearable I have a 10 year old and I feel that she has lost me her mom due to this living he'll I don't see a way out of this I feel like I lost my identity like someone has taken over my mind I have no connection to my body or voice no connection to my loved ones and it's so painful I don't know what caused this and don't know how much more strength I have to keep fighting it's so painful.

    please reply when u get a chance would love to know how u are feeling keep hope and faith this too shall. pass! at least that's what I keep telling my self and try to believe it! thanks for sharing honey!


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