I don't know how to go on? I guess?
Posted , 3 users are following.
Hello
I'm a 18-year-old girl from earth.
For about a year by now I've been feeling gone and emotionally numb ect.. I've been waning to write to a mental health forum for a while for advice, and now I'm finally doing it! There's a lot I wanna write but I'll try to keep it short.
When I was 11 I was diagnosed with OCD and I got help for it, eventually I started feeling better therefore I decided to end the sessions. My OCD's been strange, it's an on and off thing, I don't know how to explain it. Sometimes it's bad, sometimes it's controlable and sometimes it's just not there at all. Confusing, right. I never know how to explain my compulsions and obsessions to anyone, I think I repress it.
My parents got divorced in 2008, I think. My mom got a boyfriend in 2009, they got married and he moved in only six months later. My stepdad was nice the first months but then I think he got too comfortable and started being his true self. He was being unfair, rude, acting like he's so much better than us, lying about both pointless and serious stuff and so on. In 2016 he touched me inappropriately. I told my dad about it just three days ago and he called my mom about it. He didn't say weather he did it or not, he just went: ''I guess I'll just leave then'', packed some stuff and left? That's what my mom says happened at least. However, he started texting my sister and turned everything around. My sister doesn't believe me. She thinks I was hallucinating. Moving on...
I was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia about five months ago, my symptoms started in September 2017 so there's no way I could've hallucinated what he did since it happened multiple times, I didn't have any symptoms of scizophernia in 2016 (I went to therapy at that time), and can you even hallucinate feelings? No? I don't even know what's she's on about, other than my stepdad's been turning everything around and manupilating her. She's blaming everything on my diagnosis even though she hates when people blame stuff on her diagnosis (bpd). She barely even knows my stepdad, she's never lived with him since she moved out pretty much when he moved in, she's just never known him like my brother, other sister and I know him. She says she's tired of all this ''man-hating''. I don't hate men, I'm not sexist. If you've been rude to me, no matter what gender you are, then I'll dislike you, if not, then I won't. I'm glad he's out of my life though, honestly, everyone seems happier now that he's gone. Moving on, again.
I graduated school in 2015, started 10th grade, figured out I hated to be there, started skipping a lot to the point I just stopped going because I realised no one noticed I was gone and the teachers didn't contact my parents. Six months later, at a normal meeting at the school, the teachers finally brought it up and I dropped out. Then six months later, again, I started at a school/work. People there were really nice and a girl started talking with me, even hugged me a lot after just a few days. I thought it was weird. I hadn't had any friends for a year and then suddenly this girl wants to be my friend out of no where. She was nice, sweet and very friendly but I didn't want friends. It was stange, in 2015 at the other school I loved having friends, but now I just really don't, It just feels like a chore, a burden. Now it's even worse. I just hate hanging out with people and I hate hating it. I'm not normal, I thought. I just wanna be alone. Could it be lack of self confience? am I too self consious? Probably. But at the same time, I don't give a f**k about how I look. It's strange. I'm strange. I started skipping quite a lot at that school too though because I started feeling weird. I started dissociating a lot, severe, and it scared me so so much. It's worse now. I don't know how to escape. It got worse and worse and I started getting more symptoms and I started looking them up and came across DP/DR and it all made sense, I thought that was it: https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/depersonalization-derealization-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20352911 (have a link because I don't bother writing the symptoms).
NOW:
They gave me 50 mg, then 100 mg and 150 mg. I took the medication for about three weeks but then I stopped because I didn't like how they made me feel. I guess I'm just not ready to get well yet. I've been feeling like this for so long now that it's just become a part of me, of who I am and I don't know who I am without my diagnosis and DP/DR symptoms. Who am I?
I don't do anything, I have no friends but I'm fine with that, I'm dead inside. I'm 18 in a week which means I'm gonna have to get a job and start taking care of myself because that's simply just the law. I'm not ready for that. I've tried to kill myself three times but failed because when I feel like dying I panic, then I actually FEEL and that pisses me off. Why do I only feel when I'm dying? I wanna feel all the time but instead I just feel confused, numb and dizzy? I feel like I'm flying, floating. Weird, right. I used to paint and draw a lot, I could actually made money from drawing but instead I got depression. The days feel fast but slow. One day feels like three days. I am nothing. I wanna be something, I want a job but I hate routines.
My stepdad's ruined so much for me. I was being intimate with a guy in July 2017 and we went all the way but instead of enjoying it I got scared and felt disgusting. Everything my stepdad did came back, before that, I think I repressed it? It all just came back when I was with that guy so i told him to stop and he did then we just chilled with movies and cigs instead. He was nice. I don't like being intimate and I don't wanna be with anyone. I think I'm asexual but that doesn't really matter.
I started self-harming when I was 12, I don't know why, but later on I figured it made me feel better. My arms are ruined by now, multiple scars on top of each other all over.
I feel like I can't relate to anyone, my social skills are very bad, I have a hard time explaining, I don't know. I don't really enjoy anything other than nicotine, alcohol, food, misusing my pills and sleep. It sucks. I forget so easily, I often wonder where I am, what I'm thinking, if I even am thinking, what date it is, time? I don't know what to do anymore and writing this won't even make any difference, I'll still feel like this, it's pointless. I guess I just hope for some advice.
I don't believe I have schizophrenia but I've done lots of tests and apparently I do. I'm gonna put the topic on depression though because that's what I feel the most, I suppose. Honestly I don't even know.
Thanks for wasting your time reading this.
1 like, 14 replies
angelo88861 aito
Posted
you need to see a psychologist to evaluate your condition and the psychologist can refer you to a psychiatrist for any medication that you might need. Don't give up I have been suffering with anxiety, panic attack, ocd, depression all my life. However, medication does help but you need to follow the doctor's advice. If you do not feel confortable with a particular doctor see another one for second opinion. god bless and good luck.
aito angelo88861
Posted
aito angelo88861
Posted
elena90438 aito
Posted
Listen I am not a doctor and can’t give you recommendation on your medication, you must go to specialist and look for help and treatment. But I am mum of 17 year old daughter and I can feel your pain. The fact that your mum believed your stepdad not you killing me honestly. But thanks god it’s over now.
Listen depression is the killer and serious problem it takes your energy it kills you mentally and it makes you feel like you are nothing and nobody cares for you.
You are suffering for a long time and clearly for me your family must support you and undestand what you are going through. If they don’t try to explain.
You are free spirit I can see and all your talks about fitting in system is rubbish. Who said you need to fit? Hated it all my life. Always told my daughter to be yourself and not try to be like somebody else. All this “popular “ girls in schools it’s a complete crap! Be yourself! Be proud what you are! You love to draw that means you are creative person! I hate if honestly this new generation who only talk about their make up, how to get slim or have an ass like Kim Kardashian - it’s pathetic!!!
Don’t be like them and be proud of your own opinion and who you are and most important love yourself like you are!!!
I want to tell a lot unfortunately don’t have enough time at the moment. But it’s killing me that 18 years old like you tried to kill yourself since age of 12, how empty and lonely it must feel inside your heart. You’ve been through a lot but if you are here and looking for advise that means you still looking for answers - that’s good. Don’t give up!
And since I have 17 years old daughter myself and have some experience in my life (doesn’t matter good or bad) i’ll Be happy to talk if you need to. E-mail me! Sometimes we need simple conversation.
Don’t forget you are special, don’t give up, it’s difficult I know, was suffering with depression myself for more then 3 years but I am 40!!! And you are 18!
Hope to hear from you. X
aito elena90438
Posted
I just used 40 minutes writing a reply and then I accidently refreshed the page and everything got deleted, haha, isn’t that great!
ANYWAY, I’m gonna write it all again but I’ll try to keep it shorter.
My sister’s the one who didn’t believe me, not my mom, but I’ve been talking with my sister today and it turns out that she was in denial of what happened to me. Shes didn’t wanna accept that it was true because something similar happened to her when she was just a few years younger than me. I’m glad she believes me! I get a lot of support from my family now AND everyone seems so much happier and free now that he’s gone, honeslty! My mom used to have sleeping problems, depression but she told me today that she feels so much happier, sleeps better and got loads of energy. Everything’s just so, so much better without a person, aka my stepdad, looking down on us and being unfair.
You’re right, deep down, I do wanna live, I want help otherwise I’d be long gone. I’m just scared of both life and death and that’s very confusing. I love my family, they’re keeping me alive but I’ll never be able to handle losing them. I’m the youngest in my family except my 3-year-old niece.
I’ve really always been myself but by “fitting in the system” I mean: I’ll have to get a job, take care of myself, move out, deal with stuff that my parents does for me ATM (such as appointments, talking because I hate talking with strangers ect., ect..) and just following the simple rules of living, eventually. It really sucks how we have ONE life and we’re just forced to work, work ourselves to the end to simply just survive. It shouldn’t be like that.
Sorryforlatereply, my sleep schedule is a bit off. Have a nice day.
British?
elena90438 aito
Posted
Hi!
Happy to hear from you!
First, no not British, 10 years in UK, Russian originally.
Second, so happy you did talk with your sister. You girls must stick together and support each other, especially your mum has depression so she knows how you feel.
Regarding taking care of yourself, getting job etc. - 😊 it’s a part of growing up, sorry. But it’s all not so dark and gloomy like you think. Can you imagine a day when you get your first wage and can treat your mum and sister by going to caffe or restaurant to celebrate?! And trust me when you actually realise that you can do something yourself!!! it feels great.
The most important thing it’s your family support!
I’ll write to you again.... Working 🙄, adult life...
Be strong and don’t give up!
Have a great day too!
aito elena90438
Posted
You’re right, it’ll be great to be able to earn my own money so I can do and give stuff to my family. The thought of “growing up” scares me though. I can’t handle responsibilities and I hate routines, I’m fine with going somewhere and doing whatever I’m supposed to do in the beginning but after two to four weeks it just depresses me even more and I get tired of it. That’s why I started skipping so much at those last two schools I went to. I don’t understand how people are able to handle it at all, I mean, most of the people who works at the grocery stores here and even younger than me and they’re doing their job great. I don’t understand it, I’m almost embarrased by it.
I got some new antipsychosis (they’re downstairs and I forgot the name of them because it’s a really long name, sorry).
I’ve been home doing nothing for months now (almost a year) and it’s making me exhausted and emotionally stressed because I wanna do something, it’s simply human to want to do something, but I can’t. It’s like I’m just destroyed from being alone and home for so long. I have no trust in myself.
Have a good day, or night I mean.
elena90438 aito
Posted
Don’t worry too much at the moment. I can tell you that I am myself not a person who can go to work from 8 to 5 everyday, routine killing me. So I found job with flexible hours. When you have our diagnoses sometimes it’s difficult to explain to other people that you are not like everyone and sometimes you have days you can’t get up from the bed but we are living in the world where you can’t spend time simply not doing anything. So go on with your treatment and try to research options for future where you can work flexible hours for example. In your case you need to start somewhere and see how it’s going. Don’t worry if it not what you really want, try to stay as much as you can. Many people change few jobs before they finding something they really like. Pity I am too old to go and get new profession otherwise i’ll choose something with computer design or something similar because with this kind of jobs you don’t spend all time at the office and can do you job from home. Which suits us. Try to do your research. And clearly you need to continue with your medication and hopefully feel good emotionally first.
I discovered for myself that best way to deal with problems is to solve one problem at time. Don’t think about all staff together like what’s gonna be if I don’t find job etc. Make a plan, write it down. Then you can clear see what you want and where to start. It’s a little primitive but it does work. And do one step at the time. At least it helped me when I was suffering with depression and couldn’t get up from the bed for a few month. Take it easy, we can’t handle too much stress!
If you don’t have time, don’t worry write to me when you can.
Get well, take care! X
aito elena90438
Posted
Hello again! Sorry, I feel bad for not replying for so long but I got a new phone and it took a while to get it to work properly for some reason. Thank you so much for your advice and help it has really made me think about some stuff!
There's something more that I'd like to write though, I hope it's ok:
Two days ago I had my first panic attack when I was out eating with my family. At least, I think that was a panic attack and my mom, who sometimes have panic attacks, said it really looked like I was about to have a really bad panic attack. I'll try to explain it: first my ears started "ringing"(?), My vision got not blurry but just distorted or dizzy like in a way, I couldn't think at all, I got really hot with cold sweating and it didn't happen sudden, it started at about 7 pm, got worse and worse and then about an hour later I started crying really loud and panicking badly. This was in public. Usually when I feel bad or feel like crying around oeioke, I leave, but I couldn't hold it in. Good thing my mom knows how to handle stuff like this and walked me to the car so I could come home and take a shower. I felt perfectly fine when I got home.
ALSO I wanna tell you that I got a cat today! My own cat! Mine! He's amazing and very special. I grew up with cats, I've had over 100 cats around me in total the 18 years I've been alive but I've never had my very own cat, but now I do! He's special because usually cats need 3-5 days to get comfortable in their new home but this cat felt like home after a few minutes! It made me happy. He's so lovely. Here's some pictures and videos:
I'm very happy ATM. Thank you very much for your replies! I hope to hear from you again!
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elena90438 aito
Posted
Very happy to hear from you!
First of all about your cat! Lucky you!!! I love cats they are amazing clever animals and they always feel the family where they needed. Love cats! Unfortunately can’t get one because I am renting so hopefully one day!
Second, about your panic attack, your mum is right it is a panic attack. I had them thanks God I quickly run to the doctor and he prescribed me tablets and it helped really quickly. I think yours even stronger then mine but I did feel like I am dying , you don’t undestand what is happening with you and you can’t breathe. I was scared as sh..t, sorry, when I had my first panic attack but I was alone don’t remember how I did manage stay alive but it was terrible. The best thing for panic attacks before you get medication - it’s deep breathing go online and check how to do it. It’s the only thing you can do when it’s happening suddenly and you didn’t expect it at all, usually it’s always like that. If you need the name of tablets I can check, thanks god I sorted it quickly but you need to take control of it so it doesn’t progress.
So happy that you are happy with your cat.
Listen ask me whatever you need, we all living our busy lives and don’t have time to write sometimes don’t worry.
Where are you from actually because I thought everyone here from Uk but it appears not
Can you send pic of your cat directly to me because
Moderator removed them as private pic not related to forum but we can communicate only between two of us.
Don’t forget to see a doctor regarding your panic attack.
Write to me when you can!
Bet your cat will be sleeping with you now
. Is it he or she?
Have a great day! X
aito elena90438
Posted
Ohhh I'm so sorry that you experienced a panic attack alone, that must be even scarier. I think my panic attack was caused by all the strangers that were around me -- usually my dissociative symptoms/feelings (?) worsens when I'm in public but I've never actually had a bad panic attack like that so I was freaking out. My mom told me breathing into a bag helps her so she put a plastic bag in my bag for me just in case. I always walk around with my backpack.
I was wondering if you ever get very, very terrified of death and losing your loved ones because ever since I was just 11, when my OCD symptoms started, I've been terrified of losing my family and I'd cry and cry for hours and be so scared. It happened nearly every day at random times before, then I completly stopped thinking about it for two years! (14 yrs. to 16 yrs.) and then it came back about two years ago now. I'm just wondering if it's normal? What do you think?
Yes! I'm so happy about my cat, I'll PM you the link! :
I'm glad you got some medication for your panic attacks! It's okay, the medication I just started up on just a week ago helps with anxiety/panic attacks as well as OCD. I got two medications. One for psychosis and one for OCD/anxiety. I'd like to hear a bit about you and how you got over your depression, by the way. I feel bad for only writing about myself, lol. I wanna say again that I'm very glad for your replies, I never thought anyone would be so open minded and write so much and use their time and effort as much as you've done. Thank you!
Lol my cat woke me up at 3.40 am this morning because he was jumping around playing with a toy mouse, then again at 6.30 am because he decided to run over my face, haha. It didn't made me mad at all, he's adorable + it takes a lot to make me mad or p****d off. I'm usually very positive. It's a he and his name is Varg.
I've lived in Denmark since 2005 but I'm originally from Norway!
Have a good night!
elena90438 aito
Posted
I did managed to see videos of your cat but somehow can’t open pictures.
He is adorable!!!
Is he a Bengal? ( can you imagine I wanted Bengal myself
I’ll txt you tomorrow tired!
Denmark ? Cool... My daughter somehow thinks that best education actually in Denmark, somehow I brought her to Uk for it 🙄😜
aito elena90438
Posted
Ohhhh that's weird, I'll figure out how to show you the pictures later. The school system is pretty good here and it's all free, the students aren't . It's best to stay for yourself or else you'll get into drugs, trash-talk, bullying and bad things that you don't want, but that's just my experience.
I'm not sure what kind of cat he is TBH... I think he's just a regular but perfect domestic cat
.
elena90438 aito
Posted
It’s doesn’t matter he is Bengal or just domestic cat but you can see clear written on his face that he is very clever cat 100%!!! That’s for sure!!!! 😄