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I am 18 years old, 5"10 and approx 144 pounds. Since I was 6 I have thought I had a problem with my weight, my parents stopping me from wearing a bikini at this age probably contributed to this. As a child (from aged 6-13) I essentially had a beer belly so my parents took me to see doctors, dietians, nutritionists because they thought my body was allergic to something within my diet causing the beer belly affect. Turns out I was just fat. I used to take food from my kitchen and eat it in the toilet because I was embarrassed.
In the present day I try my best to follow a healthy diet and exercise regime which I started a bit over a year ago and which I've been able to lose 10 pounds because of. However, now that I've finally lost some weight the discomfort/unhappiness with my body has increased. I can't get changed in the same room as others and I refuse to wear a bikini or tight clothes (not that I could wear any of that before anyway). I am often disgusted with my body and have in the past tried diet pills/weight loss teas which have not worked. I have tried to make myself sick quite a few times due to feeling so unbelievably remorseful about overeating, however sometimes I am unable to be sick. Countless times I have cried about my body and not once have I spoken to my family about it. I can't. I love my family but they sometimes mock my 'healthy lifestyle' and they don't realise that when I'm alone I still binge and later feel revolted with myself, I have been feeling particularly stressed over the past few weeks and therefore this problem of overeating has got worse. I try to eat 1,200 calories a day because I still want to lose more weight, I want to be 9 and a half stone. I exercise approx 3-4 times a week doing intensive training to aid my weight loss.
I'm really scared I will never get rid of the mentality that I am so fat and I'm scared that I will never be happy with my body. Only recently I've considered that I may have an eating disorder as my body/dieting/food occupies my mind for hours a day but I don't know for certain. Any advice is welcome and thank you for taking the time to read what I have to say.
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