I don’t know if my relationship with my depressed boyfriend is still on

I'm sorry I've suffered depression most my life I am 50 now. During my marriage of 17 years I was very depressed wanted to self harm and got suicidal at times. I never took any medication in 20 years only for a short time. In 2005 I was suicidal so I contacted mental health crisis team and then I was put on medication. Sadly it made me like a zombie I couldnt even cry and then In oct 2018 I attempted suicide after some very bad experiences. So all I can say is there is good and bad to medication. I stopped my anti depressants but am not sleeping well. (mertazaphine helped me sleep but caused weight gain and side effects)

I hope your boyfriend gets help but you have to recognise you need help.

Hi Mariacc,

This must be so emotionally painful for you. You seem to be a very caring and patient person who is clearly trying to understand his depression though it can be very difficult as it manifests in so many different ways for different people. Basically you're trying to rationalise with your boyfriend who is not thinking in a clear way, no matter how much he's convinced himself he is.

There may be factors he's behaving this way towards you, fear, shame, self loathing, anger, avoidant and or rejection issues etc which are causing him to become detached.

It would be easy to say you do not need to put up with this behaviour towards you and it must be confusing to know where you stand. The simplest way in which to deal with this is let him know you're listening to him and explain that if he doesn't want to talk, you will give him space, if he has blocked you, don't try and follow up with phone convos, just let him know if he wants to talk you'll listen however, be firm with yourself that you won't be used as an emotional offload when he feels this way.

You say he won't take medication which can be dangerous. Can you speak with a family member that he may listen to? People have varying degrees of depression and only a medical mental health professional will be able to assess the severity of him not taking the medication.

You could offer to go with him just to support. There is lots of help out there i.e.

Breathing Space UK, Samaritans and therapists. Just don't go through this on your own and hope you too have others you can talk to about it, as all too often we forget about the partners, family and friends of sufferers.

This is such a hard thing to say though there has to come a time if he continues to be this way toward you and you have tried mostly everything you can, is to leave and ensure he knows that if he needs any support you will be there as as friend. You too have your life to live and as heartbreaking as it may be, you will know you did everything you could.

There are lots of people in here who have gone through similar and are only willing to listen and be there for you.

Take care

hey lovely,

i know exactly how you feel however mine happened in a slightly different way where he started telling me he didnt know if he wanted our relationship and didnt know if he loved me then he had a full panic attack and ended our relationship but still maintains he doesnt know what he wants or how he feels months later.

whilst hes never said im the reason he feels so down he does the same thing with messages, i might hear from him alot and then boom he stops messaging me back and it will be days, sometimes weeks before i hear from him.

you noticed its depression alot quicker than i did!

just be there for him, let him know you care and will try support him as much as you can but dont push because they pull away more!

i also would be careful with mentioning depression because if he is anything like my guy, when i mentioned it, he got very upset with me and then walked off..they have to be ready and willing to deal with it, it cant be you who suggests it

I guess what I want to do is urge you to withdraw from this relationship that is hurting you so badly. You owe it to yourself to find a stable partner. This is your precious life; please dont waste another minute of it on unproductive, hurtful situations.

My whole life I chose men who hurt me in every way imaginable. The explanation for this is that I was and am bipolar depressive and it was this condition that was dictating the choices of partners that I made. If I had been willing to spend time alone with myself and learn about myself and seek out therapy and medication, I would have saved myself before I ruined my entire life.

Your plane is in a nosedive but it's not too late for you to pull the nose up and correct your course. Let go of this relationship and spend time alone with yourself so that you don't jump into another harmful one.