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I have never said any of this to anyone before, but I would like to at least write it all down.
I am certain that when I was younger I was not like this. I used to have a sense of self-worth and some, albeit limited, confidence in my abilities. I used to pursue my interests and have a group of friends to spend time with. I was nothing remarkable, but I realise now that I must have been happy. I would give anything to feel now as I did then.
I think that since I was about 18, I have made so many bad decisions and been so lazy that I have irreparably ruined my life. I went to university and despite not enjoying it, did not drop out. I think that this experience permanently changed me for the worse. I do not have a specific experience that I can pinpoint as the moment it all unravelled, but I lost what little self-confidence I had and by my third year I spent so much of my time alone in my bedroom crying for reasons I still cannot explain. I know there are people who have it worse, but it was a very difficult experience crying almost every day. There were some occasions when I wanted to kill myself so much and began to make the journey to jump off a bridge before calming down. I never told anyone and I hate myself for not doing so and for subjecting myself to more misery. A couple of years ago, someone I met there who I had always had very strong feelings for revealed that she had liked me too, but thought that I was not interested. So I hate myself for not acting on this as well. Though when I think about it, I suspect that her life would have been worse with me in it, so maybe it is for the best that I never said anything.
After finishing university, I felt total despair and that I had ruined everything in my life. I was also afraid to leave home again, so spent the next 3 years doing meaningless jobs while living with my parents. When I look back on this time now, I feel pathetic and angry that I wasted even more time. I then moved away for a job that I gave up due to lockdowns etc, and I have since retrained. I have a job now but I feel worthless and a failure.
I look at the people I know and have known and feel a shameful envy of how they were able to feel secure and pursue the things they wanted. I am 29 now and I think I left it too late to start. I do not really have a group of friends I can spend time with any more, just people I see occasionally. I am so ashamed of myself and the fact I have nothing to show for my life.
I still frequently break down in tears when I am alone and have time to think of all the ways I failed. I am a burden on my family because I make them worry so much and I often think it would be kinder in some ways for me to end my life. I am so sorry they ended up with a son like me.
I feel so guilty and cannot see a way out.
If you have read all that I am thankful. I just wanted to write this down because I do not know who to tell. It's been such a long time that I've felt like a loser and that I have let my life slip through my fingers. I am so lonely and sad. I know there is nothing anyone can do but I wanted to put this out there. I don't know how I ended up like this.
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Hi Koffee, I understand how you feel. I have suffered with depression on and off throughout my life and felt at times worthless and as though people would be better off without me. I have been lucky though to know some good people here and there and remember what one person told me that stuck. You are the only version of you in the world and the world needs you and your unique gifts. You might not know what they are yet and that feels hard but please hear me when i say that you are not worthless you are amazing, your just sad and finding it hard to find a sense of purpose. Doing something to help others like voluntary work can sometimes help bring meaning into our lives and make us feel, at least useful. Writing down your feelings is good too I hope it helped you to get all that down, talking to someone is also useful. You say you walked to the bridge and it calmed you down, walking is so good for us, being outside and in nature. It won't last, the way you feel, is another thing I want to say to you - change is guaranteed, with every new minute there's a new moment, every new day etc. Be kind to yourself every time you think a mean thought about yourself tell that voice to stop being so mean and think three good things about yourself you wouldn't take those mean comments from someone else so don't take them from yourself! if that makes sense. Hope you're okay sending hugs. Laura
Thank you for this reply. I will try and stop thinking negative things about myself.
hi koffee, your world seems sad from what you say or believe it to be. i wonder who has altered what you originally believed about your self or how you came to this conclusion? it's not about lack of belief in what you said but how it's happened or when things altered. do you have anything you go to when sadness hits you? is there anyone you speak to? you don't have to do this alone, it's not too late and you can change IF you want to. you have to believe you can do this, have the right support that works for you, work out what you want and try it. if this doesn't work try something else you may not have the right thing. trial and error. depression is tough, depression holds no prisoners and it makes you feel it's you but unless you can work what changed how will you pull yourself out of that feeling? baby steps, it might take 1 forward 1 back but you may eventually hit upon something that works FOR you! well done for saying how you feel, that's brave, that's shouting i need help!
I have been this way for such a long time that I cannot really remember what it felt like to believe I was heading somewhere good. I am certain I was not always this way. I find it very difficult to talk to people in person about this sort of thing. Thanks for the reply
hi koffee, this is so sad, your situation is awful! poor you, do you enjoy anything? you may need to find that one special thing and go back to it, or maybe something new? you have to find someone to speak to who you want or nobody or god or even an animal? it's your journey, i can't or anyone else can't live it for you.
take more time to be grateful about life positive reinforcement and good vibes like listening to music can help get you out of a funk . sports, classes, make a effort to redirect negative behaviors to positives. find church to attend and school classes you like become active in fun activities.. just walking is active enough to start the happy hormones in your body caring for animals in shelters..volunteer
get a job ..these are tips and positive steps to take to remind you that you are in control of all the positive steps for your future is a habit to start now ...assuming there is no medical need for treatment for clinical depression. sending blessings your way.
Thanks for this. I am trying to fill my life up so that I do not have as much spare time to think myself into a negative spiral
there you are one day at a time. it will get better. stay busy and positive people and attitude. it works even if ya have to fake it. get movin walk pushing those hormones that bring happiness also comes with outside walks and other ideas you have to keep it movin...
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