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Hi, I've never done this before so here it go's. I'm a 20 year old female and have no known health problems. I slipped out of school by grade 5 and have no job, I live with my parents. I have low self confidence and never really had friends. The one job I had only lasted a week and I felt horrible during it, like I didn't belong and every mistake made me think " I can't do this, I'm a looser " . I wanted to escape, I even started looking out a window thinking about jumping out. I also had my period at that time so that was part of it. Ever since I was 19 I began to feel differently, just not myself. Then about 6 months ago to today I started to have some pretty dramatic days. I would feel really good for one part of the day then horrible. Like a darkness had taken over me. I would have such a strong feeling of hopelessness, being trapped and dislike for life. I would want to cry but had to control myself in front of my family. I have this problem with not telling anyone the way I feel, I get very quiet and alone with my thoughts. I just think over and over about the way I feel and how confused I am and upset about it. I get trapped in my head. Then my Mom has to corner me with questions until I break down. She tries to understand me, but I can't tell her how I feel because I don't want to reveal how I feel and be vulnerable. I find it so hard crying and letting things out. It's like 5 to 7 days out of the month (it gets worse with period) I have those moments come and then go. The other days I'm fine. Every time I feel bad I tell myself there is something very bad wrong with me, then I look it up on Google ( it's been like 100 times) and am convinced I have depression or some mental illness. Then about 30 min to a hour I fine and thinking there's nothing wrong with me. But the thing is I'm worried it is something and that when I feel so strange I'll end up doing something I might regret, I've thought about self harm and suicide. I am horrible at explaining how I feel because I don't understand myself. Still as I write this I feel like I'm just rambling on about nothing. I just feel this scary darkness in side me, like if I got a job and lived a normal life it would come out and I would flip out. I lock away so much pain. I'm also a shy person by nature, I don't try to go against anyone, my family life is very stressful I never know what will happen. Mental illness runs in my family. Could it be walking depression? I just don't know anymore. Please try to understand me, I know I've forgotten some things I should have included but feel free to ask questions. Thanks and please be gentle.
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