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I don't know why I'm like this because there is no reason for me to be like this. My life has been pretty normal, no tragic experiences or life threatening events. My parents divorced when I was young but it never effected me. I'm socially awkward person with a good circle of friends who genuinely care about me and more than a handful of people in my family who love me and look out for me.
It's just that I'm not happy with what I am, with who I am. I look in the mirror and cringe, often thinking to my self, "what an idiot." I think of the things I've done and want to immediately get hit with a hammer. I know I'm unattractive and refuse to lie to myself. I'm an 18 y/o who still wets the bed do to a UTI, I've never had a girlfriend or a girl companion my self and haven't even been kissed. I get these paranoid thatoughts that my friends secretly hate me and are faking their friendship because they are out to get me. Then I feel like an a**hole when my friends are nice to me when I just had my paranoid thoughts. I feel like everyone I meet is a liar if they say they like me or that I am funny. Don't get me wrong, I love people. I like meeting new people and seeing people smile and laugh. I hate when people are sad or angry and hate it even more if they are sad or angry because of me. But deep down in my subconscious I can feel the nagging thought everyone lying to me. I hate it. I have now passion or motivation for anything. I don't know why I am even in college. I skip out on classes I paid a fortune for and I only had to go for 4 hours a day and 2 times a week.
I often wonder how people get out of bed everyday and go to work. What's the point? If there is one thing I know, it's what I DON'T want to be. I've worked at McDonald's, a hardwood flooring company, a theater. No matter what I do it all seems endless and pointless. You work hard one day just to do it again the next. I hate repetition. Doing the same thing over and over sounds so grueling to me but I know I have to do it to get anywhere in life. But that makes it all the more depressing, especially when I have no passion to do anything.
I also have no desire to better myself. Is it because I don't think I can or is it because I'm selfish and only care about selfpitty? I hope not on either of those. I honestly think it's because when someone decides to "help," I hate it! I feel helpless and worthless, like they talk to me like a child. I don't want help I just want to be better but I don't know how.
I was told very early that the only thing you have to do in life is to die and pay taxes. To me that sounds horrible. What's the point of being successful in anything if all we are are just some numbers in a system. Chances are I'll be a footnote. Especially if I'm in this funk. I see myself sleeping on a park bench in 10 years. I'm have no ambition or inspiration. I'll tell you though, I have tried. Even though I was a loner through most of HS, I tried new things and experiences. I smoked weed, cigarettes, vape, hookah and have dabbed even but I can't even start a bad habbit. I did all of these for like a month each and I didn't like any of them. I took up drinking recently, got so hammered one night that I wet myself twice and chugged an entire bottle of Kraken. I woke up drunk even after 13 hours of sleep. Now I don't like drinking anymore. I can't even like pleasurable things in life.
I feel I will amount to nothing more than kidney failure one day. Everyone says I'm just a lazy good-for-nothing and I need to get my head out of my ass and make something of myself before I regret it later. I don't have any talents and I can't motivate myself or focus enough to stick with anything, school included. I barely skated through high school and now college just seems like another pointless venture for me to skate by in. I don't even want to try.
I really want to change and I don't want to be like this. I really just don't know what to do. I just want to give a sh*t about myself if nothing else. I'm not on any pills by the way and I'd like for that to be a last resort. But screw it, I'm willing to try anything at this point.
Thank you for your time if you read through this. Sorry if it was a pointless banter to you. I just want help.
Emis Moderator comment: I have edited this post due to the swearing. These are open forums so as per the T&Cs please do not use offensive language in posts otherwise they may be deleted.
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