I don't know what's wrong with me and I'm scared

Posted , 8 users are following.

I don't know why I'm like this because there is no reason for me to be like this. My life has been pretty normal, no tragic experiences or life threatening events. My parents divorced when I was young but it never effected me. I'm socially awkward person with a good circle of friends who genuinely care about me and more than a handful of people in my family who love me and look out for me.

It's just that I'm not happy with what I am, with who I am. I look in the mirror and cringe, often thinking to my self, "what an idiot." I think of the things I've done and want to immediately get hit with a hammer. I know I'm unattractive and refuse to lie to myself. I'm an 18 y/o who still wets the bed do to a UTI, I've never had a girlfriend or a girl companion my self and haven't even been kissed. I get these paranoid thatoughts that my friends secretly hate me and are faking their friendship because they are out to get me. Then I feel like an a**hole when my friends are nice to me when I just had my paranoid thoughts. I feel like everyone I meet is a liar if they say they like me or that I am funny. Don't get me wrong, I love people. I like meeting new people and seeing people smile and laugh. I hate when people are sad or angry and hate it even more if they are sad or angry because of me. But deep down in my subconscious I can feel the nagging thought everyone lying to me. I hate it. I have now passion or motivation for anything. I don't know why I am even in college. I skip out on classes I paid a fortune for and I only had to go for 4 hours a day and 2 times a week.

I often wonder how people get out of bed everyday and go to work. What's the point? If there is one thing I know, it's what I DON'T want to be. I've worked at McDonald's, a hardwood flooring company, a theater. No matter what I do it all seems endless and pointless. You work hard one day just to do it again the next. I hate repetition. Doing the same thing over and over sounds so grueling to me but I know I have to do it to get anywhere in life. But that makes it all the more depressing, especially when I have no passion to do anything.

I also have no desire to better myself. Is it because I don't think I can or is it because I'm selfish and only care about selfpitty? I hope not on either of those. I honestly think it's because when someone decides to "help," I hate it! I feel helpless and worthless, like they talk to me like a child. I don't want help I just want to be better but I don't know how.

I was told very early that the only thing you have to do in life is to die and pay taxes. To me that sounds horrible. What's the point of being successful in anything if all we are are just some numbers in a system. Chances are I'll be a footnote. Especially if I'm in this funk. I see myself sleeping on a park bench in 10 years. I'm have no ambition or inspiration. I'll tell you though, I have tried. Even though I was a loner through most of HS, I tried new things and experiences. I smoked weed, cigarettes, vape, hookah and have dabbed even but I can't even start a bad habbit. I did all of these for like a month each and I didn't like any of them. I took up drinking recently, got so hammered one night that I wet myself twice and chugged an entire bottle of Kraken. I woke up drunk even after 13 hours of sleep. Now I don't like drinking anymore. I can't even like pleasurable things in life.

I feel I will amount to nothing more than kidney failure one day. Everyone says I'm just a lazy good-for-nothing and I need to get my head out of my ass and make something of myself before I regret it later. I don't have any talents and I can't motivate myself or focus enough to stick with anything, school included. I barely skated through high school and now college just seems like another pointless venture for me to skate by in. I don't even want to try.

I really want to change and I don't want to be like this. I really just don't know what to do. I just want to give a sh*t about myself if nothing else. I'm not on any pills by the way and I'd like for that to be a last resort. But screw it, I'm willing to try anything at this point.

Thank you for your time if you read through this. Sorry if it was a pointless banter to you. I just want help.

Emis Moderator comment: I have edited this post due to the swearing. These are open forums so as per the T&Cs please do not use offensive language in posts otherwise they may be deleted.

1 like, 7 replies

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7 Replies

  • Posted

    Hi!

    Have you been to counseling yet?

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    • Posted

      No, I am too scared to waste anyone's time and I don't want someone telling me things I already know. I also don't want my family and friends knowing that I'm like this. I know they'll blow it out of proportion and treat me differently and I know that will make me angry.
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  • Posted

    Try and accept yourself as you are. You need to look at the positives in your life and in yourself and try to appreciate them. This will make you stronger and, hopefully, happier. This is the one important thing I learnt when I had therapy four years ago. Best of luck.
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  • Posted

    Hi Austin,

    It's frustrating when we look in the mirror but don't like what we see. I feel the same and have been struggling with suicidal depression for the past year (my meds have not really helped my recovery but they may well have numbed me when I was feeling at my lowest points so may have stopped me doing anything really stupid and permanent!) I'm 48 and I'm on my own now after my 20 year marriage didn't work out a few years back. I have regrets about my life, things I would have done differently but I'm also learning, through CBT, to look at myself differently, with more compassion and less self-destructive anger.

    That thing about death and taxes, they say those are the only certainties in life. Fair enough, but the rest is in your hands to make of what you can. That may feel like a lot of pressure, but another way of looking at it is that you are unique: there's no one else like you, no one else that can make the difference in this world that you can. Life's an adventure! You have your hopes and dreams rattling around in your head, a desire to change - you don't like what you see in yourself now. Fine - make a few changes, one at a time, and see what difference they make. Motivation is a problem for me too. Perhaps sit down with a friend you trust and brain-storm a few ideas. I don't think you can be completely talentless. You write pretty well for a start (despite the swearing having to be moderated) ;-)

    Sensitive people like us are usually very creative so try and tap into that thing that will get you excited and give you a buzz. You've tried artificial highs but they're not your thing. I'm glad about that cos they can be a real distraction (and drain on your finances). I've never been a real 9 to 5 kind of guy and it sounds like you're not either. Having worked in customer service jobs for my whole adult life, I've recently come to the realisation that I don't like working with people and listening to their unreasonable complaints ;-) I've recently lost my job and I'm thinking of being my own boss in the future (once I've found that thing that will earn me a living!) Sounds like you may be more of a free spirit so being your own boss might suit you too? Try not to be so hard on yourself but as Daniel says, accept yourself as you are. This still gives you scope to make changes but it helps you to be happier with the here and now until those changes come about. You're unhappy and angry and those emotions are going to come out somehow, either directed at yourself or other people. Of course, it's possible to learn to control them and sometimes anger can be a motivator. But unhappiness is never helpful or constructive. Try to visualise good things in your future rather than the park-bench scenario. You don't know what the future will hold so imagine the best and not the worst. Enjoy being with your friends. Seize the moment. Let us know how things work out for you. You will find a lot of support here. Good luck buddy :-)

    Digsby

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  • Posted

    Hey Austin66706 just read your post and it's like you just went through my mind. I'm 22 skated through high school also and have Been BSing my way through college every since. I used to be a heavy weed smoker but being that I'm a self diagnosed hypochondriac I decided secretly losing my mind wondering was I gonna pass out after every session wasn't worth it lol . I can relate to everything you said I hate repetition but I'm also kinda scared of change. I think we both just feel like whatever path we choose we just don't want it to be fucced. It seems everyone in the world hates their job man we just want to have meaningful work and love it! However I know this sounds cliche but it really does get better man I would be lying if I said I've figured it all out but I'm in a much better space then I was 3 yrs ago. I spent 4YEARS at a fuccing 2 yr community college !!! But now I'm a pre med student working towards my bachelors at a University.that was the time it took me to realize OK get off your Azz your letting time fly. I have faith you'll figure it out maybe take some time to think about what you really honestly want for yourself. Despite what society says you're not supposed to have your life figured out at 18. Hope you Keep in touch let me know how it's going and I'll let you know how I'm doing!
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  • Posted

    Talk therapy combined with pharmaceutical therapy is a good place to start. Your young and this may all be new to you. The med part was easiest for me, although finding the right med and proper dosage can't talk time. Talk therapy with a licensed therapist can also take time. May have to try a couple before one might click. Then give yourself and the therapist a chance. Took me a while to trust someone enough to allow them to direct my healing. As a male, another hurtle I had to overcome was the stigma. Guys are suppose to figure it out. Cool and calm. I was neither. But I am ignoring he jay Sayers now. 
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  • Posted

    *naysayers 
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