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I’ve been depressed for the majority of my life, staring when my mom divorced my father when I was seven and just getting progressively worse. Then my father after I turned twelve finally got custody of me but only for a single weekend a month. But sure did he make it every hour count and was making a great effort to get back into my life and make things better. Then only two years after my father contracted liver cancer and within two months he died. Ever since then I’ve only gone down hill , I become very depressed I got nervous ticks , I potentially have ADHD ( therapist says it’s a good possibility ) , and every time I make friends and make a close bond with them...they always leave. During my last year of middle school I made the closest friends I’ve had so far but it was a feeder school to a high school that was out of my district so I never saw any of them again , only in pictures and memories. Recently I volunteered at a retreat for my church for all of the soon to be confirmed and since their only a year or so younger than me it was easy to make friends with them. But today was likely the last day I’ll see them all in one group and I barely see most of them regardless . Specifically I made acquaintances with a girl there and she was like me but female , but she was in a different group but I really would like to get to know her better but she likely won’t , unless I can share myself to her in passing “ Hellos” in church .
Though even if this sprouted to a romantic relationship I don’t think I’d be good for either of us . I have a lot of traits under my happy go lucky exterior that I’m scared to share face to face , and the thing I fear most would be me if I even get angry. You see whenever I get angry I go into a state we’re I can see through my eyes but I cannot control myself and I just relentlessly pummel anyone that made me angry , the only way to stop me is to run or get four or five people to hold me back to calm me down . I also don’t want to get into a relationship because I don’t ever want to do anything and I never want to do anything including schoolwork so I’m unable to really go anywhere. Even if all these obstacles are surpassed I can’t show myself to people the way I’m doing now and I don’t know how to express my feelings so every time I get the opportunity to try and make a relationship I turn it down but I sit and cry in my room and wish I would have done it , to express my desire to love and to feel loved but that’s not how I act with people.
You might be wondering if you read this far “ What the hell is this kid doing , talk to your therapist about this “ and I can’t , my mom doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with me . When we went to the therapist and she recommended my mom just step back and treat me like someone who can make the right deductions she agrees in the office but in the elevator she says that’s stupid and insults her , when I went to the doctor for my many stress induced twitches the doctor recommends therapy and she agrees , I never saw a therapist. I also hear things , though very rarely and it’s always screams I’ve seen things pass through the floor and ceiling in the hallway and once the sliding glass door to the side of our house just shattered , no objects and it looked like it broke from the inside out as the glass was evenly dispersed and there was no remaining glass in its frame.
So if anyone has any advice or anything that can help it’ll be much appreciated.
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