I don't know what to do anymore... I need advice, please help me.

Hi,

I've been having some problems that I want some advice on although I don't want to cause trouble with my family, just some advice on what I can do to help myself more.

I am a (quite young) female student who is still in school in Thailand. It started a few years ago, when my mom began to hit me, my dad did too but only on a few occasions as he is often on business trips and he has a lot more patience than my mom. She would hit me with a ruler on either my hands, legs or arms. Sometimes she would slap me in the face. Once when I didn't want to touch her shoes to pick them up to put on the shoe shelf, she used one side of the shoes to slap me on the face. Because of this, I've been very scared of getting on the wrong side of her. I've been so used to the pain, it doesn't really hurt anymore. When I do one thing wrong, I get hit at least 10 times depending on how bad I was and then she would take 500 baht away from me too. I get 600 baht a week for everything, including food and supplies, which often makes me have to skip lunch the majority of the week. I don't know if I am over thinking this but she has been blaming me for things I didn't do, and hitting me for no reason, telling me she told me to do this and I didn't listen when (I have a good memory) I don't remember her telling me to do it. 

She doesn't only hit me, she also verbally abuses me. She calls me fat and stupid, I am quite insecure about myself too. She saids that I deserve not being able to eat, so that I can get skinnier as I am really bad at sports. She compares me with my sister, she also hits my sister but I don't think she hits her as much as she hits me, saying that I am more stupid than my sister when I get better grades. I wanted to prove her wrong, so I began to study more until I was in the top set for every subject apart from PE. There is a belief that if your mom calls you something, that you will be that. She forces me to study all day long, saying that I ruin the family reputation if I can't get 90% up on a test. This made me very stress and during lunchtimes, I stay in the library studying instead of eating and I get hungry, very hungry, but I don't lose any weight at all.

At school, I have 'friends' but they don't know about this situation. Some of my new friends are nice though, one of them bringing me lunch, though I told her to stop as I don't want to owe her any money. At school, all of my old friends left me, because of fights, I was always worse than their new friends and it makes me feel even more sad about myself. I have a couple of friends who live in England that I was friends with for a long time and I am very close to them, so they know about this situation but there is only so much that they can do apart from keep contact with me and helping me when I need help.

I am a coward. I'm too scared to tell anybody about this, especially since my schoolmates make hitting to be a common thing. I've thought about cutting myself but then I think of my schoolmates and how they would laugh at me for wanting attention and I think that I should try overcome this instead of crying about this and wanting to go into depression. I've wanted to kill myself many times or at least run away. I've thought about it but never attempted any of those. I've tried to be strong but if this continues, I don't see the point in living. Either that or I stay strong and wait for another 5 years till I can leave for university.

I express my feelings through poems or drawing. It's the only way that I can express my feelings without worrying about somebody judging me. Kpop is another one of my get aways (not that it has much to do with this).

I want advice on what to do, and to know if I'm falling into depression as I don't have a lot of information about this topic and if this is abuse. I don't think a lot of people can help me but I want to know how I can stop myself from further being depressed and I don't want to have an eating disorder if this continues. I apologize for the long story but I have a lot of questions about everything. I hope that everybody who read this have a good day and please give me advice, a good reason to not let myself go. I am only young I don't know what to do apart from blame myself for making my mother angry to the point she hits me. I am sorry for writing such a long description.

Thank you for all the help.

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