I don't know what to do. Please help

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This may turn out to be a bit lengthy so I apologise in advance. But if you could bear with me I would appreciate it.

So I've been having issues with low moods and depression for several years now (since I was in my ealry teens) but it has got considerably worse over the past few months.

It started as a low mood as usual. I realised all I wanted to do was have a few days to myself to sort myself out. In that few days I lost a couple of friends because I had my phone switched off most the time (I told people I was going to have my phone switched off so I could sort stuff out). And becuase those couple of friends were suffering from various levels of low moods. They said I was being selfish as I wasn't looking after their needs. I lost my temper with them and told them I would be putting myself first as I was in no state to help them and told them that they were being stupid for not being willing to help themselves and that they were the ones being selfish as they were expecting me to put them first.

I thought it would make me feel better because they both spoke to me for a bit afterwards and even spoke to councellors. But after a couple of days one went back to saying I was selfish for trying to look after myself first.

All I felt was guilt. It lowered my mood even more and although I didn't want to be around people I made sure I wasn't by myself for more than about 20 minutes through fear that I would allow myself to do soemthing stupid as that's where my thoughts were going.

It's started affecting my family now (I live with my mum and my sister). They've noticed the change in my mood and although they are doing their best to cheer me up nothing seems to be working.

I have participated in a support group and while that helped for a bit I have reached the point where my first thought in the morning is "What's the point?"

I know that everyday I'm going to get messages and calls from one of my friends saying how depressed they are and telling me to sort out how they feel. I have told them that I can't sort it out for them and that them constantly going on about how suicidal they are and how they are self harming a lot isn't helping me but they don't pay attention. I went as far as to ignore all their calls and messages but whenever I do they just turn up at the door.

I know that every day when I get up I am going to spend the rest of the day around one person or another (my mum only has a 2 bedroom flat and I am currently sleeping on the sofa) because there is nowhere I can go to get my own space. And I'm not even sure if that is a good idea.

I just feel like I'm nothing but a nuisance to my family and nothing but a mental crutch to a friend. 

I know I am just being a burden to people and I just don't know what to do about it.

I have the Samaritans number on my phone for the days I get particularly low.

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6 Replies

  • Posted

    Hi, sorry to hear what your going through, depression sucks. Your not being a burden to people, they care about you and want to get your back to your old self. Dont know what the answer is about your friends that need you tho. Never really been in that position, where ive been ill and friends have at the same time. Does it not make you feel better when you and your friend talk bout what your going through together. Maybe both go out somewhere new. I know all you wanna do when your depressed is to stay in all the time but try and make yourself go out few times a week, should help. Have you told your Dr and also encourage your friend to see one too.

    Hope you feel better soon.

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    • Posted

      Hi,

      Thanks for your reply.

      I have tried helping my friend by talking to her about what we're going through but she always tried to turn it into a competition as to who has it worse. I have booked an appointment with my Dr to talk about this as I have quite a long wait until I can have a CBT assessment and I'm not completely certain I can safely make it through that time.

      I have encourages my friend to see her Dr but she refuses to go to the follow up appointments as she has convinced herself she will be institutionalised despite the fact the Dr has told her she won't and she refuses to go the therapy. I have accepted that I won't be able to help her the way she wants but she is refusing to accept the fact that I need to sort myself out.

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  • Posted

    Hi Victoria,

    It sounds really tough for you at the moment. I have fallen out with friends/family members in the past when I have shared how I am feeling and trying to set my boundaries and they don't understand or they expect more from me than I am able to give (I am normally a very compassionate and caring person but sometimes I seem to give too much, in the sense that I neglect my own emotional needs - if that makes any sense!?) You definitely need to look after Number 1 and there is nothing wrong with letting those around you know that you need some "me time". Just as we can't rely all the time on those around us cos sooner or later they will let us down, so others can't rely on us all the time, especially if the burden becomes too much to beat at times. It doesn't mean you are being a bad person; it just means you need some space to recharge your batteries. Allow yourself this time and space whenever you need it. If talking to others about how you feel at these critical times can become a bit volatile, just write it down/text/email instead of risking a face-to-face showdown or phone call that might lead to things being said on both sides that might lead to regrets. I certainly end up blaming myself whenever there is tension or breakdown in a relationship BUT it takes two to tango so it's usually 50-50 fault and a little understanding can go a long way. Mindfulness has taught me to put space between my negative thoughts and the urge to act on them immediately. It has also helped me to give others the benefit of the doubt more...I wish those around me could practice the same mindfulness and give me the benefit of the doubt more too ;-)

    Suicidal depression has prevented me from doing my normal job for the past 10 months (I did try a phased return in April/May but I'm off again now and about to change my meds for the 2nd time). I've tried a couple of cheap getaways to visit friends and go on short walking holidays. Is this an option for you, just to get a change of scene? Stay strong, my friend. We can't change how others behave towards us but we do have control over how we react. Sieze this control and let this increase your self-confidence. Believe in yourself and do something each day just for you. This is not selfish; it is called SURVIVAL :-)

    Sending you a big hug. Please keep in touch and let us know how you are getting on. Digsby xx

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    • Posted

      Hi,

      Thank you for your reply and kind words.

      Due to my friends reluctance to accept professional help and keeps telling me that she has it worse I have accepted that I am going to have to cut ties with this friend. What worries me is that loosing friends (especially this one) is almost a relief.

      I was working until a few months ago. I had to leave due to my workplace refusing to allow me to do a phased return to work after I was signed off (I was told to go back full time or not at all ). I'm not sure if I am ready to go back to work. I'll be discussing that with the Dr when I see them.

      I had a moment the other day when I realised that my caring nature was holding me back. Although I still will have my caring nature I am not going to let that stop me from surviving. I'm only human after all.

      Thanks for you advice

      Victoria xx

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  • Posted

    Hi,

    Maybe your Dr can get you in earlyer for your CBT. That would be good. 

    At least your trying to get the help available, you shoud be proud of yourself, I know how hard it is. Takes time but a step in the right direction.

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