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This may turn out to be a bit lengthy so I apologise in advance. But if you could bear with me I would appreciate it.
So I've been having issues with low moods and depression for several years now (since I was in my ealry teens) but it has got considerably worse over the past few months.
It started as a low mood as usual. I realised all I wanted to do was have a few days to myself to sort myself out. In that few days I lost a couple of friends because I had my phone switched off most the time (I told people I was going to have my phone switched off so I could sort stuff out). And becuase those couple of friends were suffering from various levels of low moods. They said I was being selfish as I wasn't looking after their needs. I lost my temper with them and told them I would be putting myself first as I was in no state to help them and told them that they were being stupid for not being willing to help themselves and that they were the ones being selfish as they were expecting me to put them first.
I thought it would make me feel better because they both spoke to me for a bit afterwards and even spoke to councellors. But after a couple of days one went back to saying I was selfish for trying to look after myself first.
All I felt was guilt. It lowered my mood even more and although I didn't want to be around people I made sure I wasn't by myself for more than about 20 minutes through fear that I would allow myself to do soemthing stupid as that's where my thoughts were going.
It's started affecting my family now (I live with my mum and my sister). They've noticed the change in my mood and although they are doing their best to cheer me up nothing seems to be working.
I have participated in a support group and while that helped for a bit I have reached the point where my first thought in the morning is "What's the point?"
I know that everyday I'm going to get messages and calls from one of my friends saying how depressed they are and telling me to sort out how they feel. I have told them that I can't sort it out for them and that them constantly going on about how suicidal they are and how they are self harming a lot isn't helping me but they don't pay attention. I went as far as to ignore all their calls and messages but whenever I do they just turn up at the door.
I know that every day when I get up I am going to spend the rest of the day around one person or another (my mum only has a 2 bedroom flat and I am currently sleeping on the sofa) because there is nowhere I can go to get my own space. And I'm not even sure if that is a good idea.
I just feel like I'm nothing but a nuisance to my family and nothing but a mental crutch to a friend.
I know I am just being a burden to people and I just don't know what to do about it.
I have the Samaritans number on my phone for the days I get particularly low.
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