I don't know what to do please help me!
Posted , 2 users are following.
Hi guys! I'm 18 years old (girl) and I'm a "recovered" physically but mentally I'm a wreck. About a year ago in April I began dieting at height of 5 feet 3.5 inches and weight of like 130-135 pounds (I've always been on the thicker side and got sick of it) and eventually I got more and more restrictive. By the end of december this year I was about 99 pounds and incredibly thrilled with myself, and I don't think i was anorexic at all.
My parents stepped in and ruined it, taking me to all sorts of stupid doctors and therapists and literally forced me to gain weight from January till now (almost july) and even though I water loaded and put it off for a while, I am now fluctuating between 110 and 115 pounds and I am devastated. I hate my body and looking in the mirror makes me cry. All my hard work is wasted, my control over food is gone, and sometimes I randomly binge on food until I can hardly move.
How do I lose weight without raising my parent's suspicions or concern? I'm supposed to go off to college in August and I need to not be considered unstable.
Thank youu!!
0 likes, 3 replies
katlouise1989 penelope123
Posted
Thank you for your post. I'm sorry to hear about your struggles.
Firstly, it is okay to not feel okay. Many people suffer with frustrations about their body, or are unsatisfied with certain body parts, so it is important to realise that this is common place. That said, there is having issues with your body and having a disordered view of your body, which an eating disorder can force. I know it is hard, but while you are poorly, body checking can hinder things significantly.
I wanted to address you concern around fluctuation. You have described a fluctuation of 5 pounds (less than 3kg). Fluctuation happens all the time. Your weight never stays stable, because you can eat, drink and do exactly the same thing day in day out, but due to air, heat etc you will still experience a different number, one day to the next. Where you don't do everything identical, you will experience even more of a fluctuation (e.g. drinking more tea one day, and less the next) and furthermore on your time of the month. Here it is important to recognise that these are all natural processes, they are not weight gain, but merely a change in water shifting around your body.
One of the things that can affect weight change is restricting followed by bingeing. What restriction does it puts your body into safe mode. It realises it is under pressure / unsafe so everything slows down. It means that anything you eat, it is more likely to store - this is a basic means to survivial. Your metabolism slows down, and so your weight loss plateaus. This has happened to me numerous times, recently I was eating far too little due to difficult events, and my weight went up. My dietitian enforced a higher calorie rule, and guess what...it went down. (This isn't good, because I need to be gaining, but it is reassuring to know that my metabolism speeds up as I eat more of a normal amount of food).
One of the main reasons for bingeing will be your restriction. So in a nutshell, to stop it you need to stop restricting. If you hold your breath for a while, when you start breathing your breath becomes short in order to catch up. The same is when you deprive yourself of carbohydrates. We need both oxygen and carbs for respiration, so if your body is missing carbs it will try and find it in its most dense form (like the short breaths), thus leading to bingeing. Again this is natural process and very difficult to avoid. To solve, you do need to eat regularly with carbs. It has taken me years to get to this point, but I don't binge now. It is worth looking at the Minnesota study which explains the effects of restriction.
Finally, it is clear that you feel that health professionals, your family and friends are against you. This is very normal and it is evidence that your eating disorder is stronger than you right now. Your eating disorder is telling you that everyone around you is jeopardising your plans, and beating you up mentally when you don't do what it wants you to do. You are feeling pleased because of your weight loss, but its a catch 22 situation because once you lose weight, your eating disorder isn't satisfied. I know you don't want to hear this, but you are not in control, your eating disorder is. My eating disorder has had enormous impact on my life, to the extent that I nearly took my life. If you carry on this way, you won't make it to university, or if you do you will probably end up coming home because you are too ill, and hating all the while you are there. I'm glad to hear your parents are concerned, because it means they are on your side. It is a great idea to use theirs and the health professionals support.
Looking at your measurements you are actually underweight, and you should be looking to increase to a BMI of between 20 and 25. The 18.5-20 bit was added on to cater for some of the Asian population who have a lower bone density. Your eating disorder is telling you you are fat, when science is saying otherwise.
In conclusion, my advice would be to start thinking about everything you will lose out on. What are the pros and cons of staying with your eating disorder and recovering from it. After this it might be helpful to see a therapist so you can understand why. Eating disorders aren't diets, but coping mechanisms (bad ones...) for difficult experiences.
Good luck.
penelope123 katlouise1989
Posted
I was doing really well with slowly upping my weight until about two weeks ago, so I think that's why I'm freaking out now. What happened was i was going between 105 and 110 (which I was starting to accept and actually like) until June 2nd when my mom told me she would weigh me that weekend (2 days away). I learned that if I ate a ton of apples and yogurt and oatmeal and such I could bloat up to 112 without water loading and fool them without really gaining weight that fast. So I did that, but the binge eating kind of kept up for like the next 5 days consistently and then spiratically over the next two weeks here and there, so I never dipped back down to 105 like I was planning on originally. I did start eating lots of junk food and cereals too, so it wasn't healthy at all.
Is this 5-10 pound gain really all weight or is it possible that some is food weight? I know for a fact that some is water because I drink 12 + cups per day and I still feel like my digestive track is full/slightly constipated.... But then in the mirror its visibly clear that my thighs look much bigger and same with my stomach. I have been working out a lot over these 2 weeks (running, walking, elyptical at high resistence, and a few weights/weight machines) so I know they're likely to be more muscular, but they appear more squishy and fat than anything.
Thank you so much <3 >
katlouise1989 penelope123
Posted
Thank you for your reply. I noticed your mum weighed you two days later. Doing this merely shows fluctuations and can be really anxiety provoking in eating disorder recovery. At this stage, I would recommend weekly weigh-ins at the same time, loose clothing and with an empty bladder. This will help to get a more realistic picture, although you also need to remember that weight doesn't stay still. I am weighed fortnightly, and my weight has gone up, down and stayed the same. Try and stick to weekly weigh ins.
I'm very interested that you have pointed to being constipated, despite eating fibrous food. The foods you have listed (apples, oats, yoghurt) should actually be having the opposite effect, so this is further evidence that your body doesn't want to let go of the only energy it is getting. If you look at what they are you will notice that there is a large liquid content, which will also have an impact on bloating.
There is a lot of support I can give in terms of answers to your other questions, however at this stage I do not think this will be helpful as it sounds like you are looking for motivation to lose weight - so I would be wasting my time.
Please feel free to write again/PM me when you are feeling like recovery is a better option.