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Everyone around me thinks I have a problem but I'm not sure and I don't even know where to turn if I am willing to accept that I might have.
I am 40 years old and food and calories dominate my life but I do eat, I eat 1300 calories per day and surely if I had an eating disorder I would be eating much less than that?
My BMI is currently 18.4, I know it's low but not drastic low and I still get my periods so nothing to indicate a problem there.
I have depression, very bad depression in fact and it feels like there are a lot of things in my life that I can't control, my weight is the only thing I can control so I feel that if I gain weight I have failed at yet another thing in life and I feel almost as if I want to be invisible in the world and being as small as possible helps me to feel like I am.
I have poor appetite because of my depression, this would be upsetting to most people but I am thrilled since it means that keeping my weight low is easy.
I do not view myself as fat nor do I view myself as thin, I know I have very thin arms and my collarbone is visible but on the whole I view myself as being normal size, my husband and adult daughter think I am very thin though and get upset when they hug me because they say I feel boney.
I did go over my calorie allowance one day last week and just felt utterly depressed about it to be honest, like a worthless failure.
So now I need to decide where to turn, I did tell my gp all of this months ago, she told me to tell my mental health nurse but I did and she just wrote it on my notes and left it at that, I am now 5 pounds lighter and feel like even if I do need help I am being passed around and don't know who or where to get it from.
Where do I go? What do I do? I'm confused, upset, exhausted with everything and feel so alone, the depression makes it hard to see things clearly and I just want to see the right person who can tell me if I have a problem and what to do about it if I do.
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