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I don't know who else to talk to

Posted , 5 users are following.

CL21
CL21

I feel a bit embarrassed doing something like this but I feel like there's no one I can talk to about how I feel without looking like I'm attention seeking. I put on a front I get dressed up and go out and get drunk with the girls like a normal 21 year old should but I'm absolutely dying inside. I've struggled with depression since i was about 15, have often cut myself thinking i deserve it to relieve stress and calm me down. I've attempted suicide twice and been gratefull not to suceed but i can feel myself getting that low again and I'm terrified.

At the start of this year i split up with an on/off boyfriend who also struggles with depression because we dragged each other down and i couldnt see any way of getting better with him in my life. I got better and came off antidepressants. 5 months after we split, my step dad died in a tragic accident along with his brother and his cousin. (he has brought me up from the age of 4 and been a better father to me than my real dad could ever be) i ran back to my ex and moved in with him 400 miles away from my family and friends. I was happy for a while ignoring what had happened, living in this pretend world where everything was perfect, until reality hit two months ago and we started having problems again and i started having anxiety attacks and wanting to move back home. I'm now back home with my mam and brothers, finally facing my step dads death. Leaving my depressed ex alone 400 miles away alone and heartbroken. I feel like a terrible person for going back into his life and breaking his heart again. but i also feel completely lost myself. I dont know what to do with myself. i dont have a career ive only ever worked in pubs. my life is going no where. i cant see a light at the end of this tunnel. and i have to deal with this without my step dad.

which is why i feel like i have no one to talk to because obviously my mam has lost her husband and has enough to deal with, and me and my brothers have never been close enough to cry on each other, i wouldnt want to freak them out. i have wonderful friends who have welcomed me back with open arms after barely speaking to them for the 4 months i lived away but they dont understand how i actually feel.

1 like, 4 replies

4 Replies

  • mark01943
    mark01943 CL21

    Posted

    Hi

    It is no surprise that you feel the way you do with what you have had to deal with, and there is an awful lot of great support and really nice people on here who will help you. And yes we really do understand.

    You say you have no career, but your only 21, plenty of time for that, so don't fret, people can start careers at any time. And trust me, if you have really good friends like you say you have then that really is a fantastic thing, although I do understand that it can be hard to talk to them as you don't want to scare them away. That's what people on here are for....we don't scare easily! We have, still are, been there....

  • Mercybemine
    Mercybemine CL21

    Posted

    My god, you have been through it angel? Not being funny hun but you are so young and been through so much that for you to find this site and call out for help shows you have a strong character? Things may seem Abit bad at the moment and anyone who reads your plight/dilemma will understand, u r not alone in your thoughts angel, alot of us can relate. You r young and to young to give up? I am seriously thinking of putting my email address on this site? I will no doubt get idiot remarks but again I will get to reply to them all? "Contract phone" just to be able to contact strangers and help where I can but also share my pain. You take care, be strong. Dont know you but proud of ya.
  • UK-Ven-medicate
    UK-Ven-medicate CL21

    Posted

    You will be ok you struggling thru as the problems are their but you can't focus due to the depression and hence can fix them. Your no different to alot of people that are here with you and we all have moment of total despair. Mark is right we don't scare easy cause we all been in bad situations.

    PM any of us, we are all here to help

  • Guest
    Guest CL21

    Posted

    Hi there......Have you thought perhaps of getting in touch with Cruse?I believe they are specifically trained to councel people who are going through bereavement...I know for me over the years,dealing with my losses has been excruciating,and undergoing therapy at the time was paramount in helping me grieve.You have suffered a huge loss and it may be really helpful for you to talk to someone who knows the pain of loss.I can understand you going back to your ex...In the hope that he may take some of the pain away,don't give yourself a hard time on that.Please try getting someone professional to help you,you deserve the best support.Sally x
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