I don't know who to help my boyfriend

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We've been going out for over a year but he's suffered with depression for a long time before we met. At first he'd just have a really bad episode once a month or so but now they'e getting more and more frequent, he seems to have very few good days. It's so frustrating because when he's having a good day he's the most amazing, loving and caring person to be around. We have such an amazing connection I feel as if we could be together forever. But when he's having a bad day he can't be around anyone including me, we'll go weeks without seeing or talking to each other and its heartbreaking cause I just wish I could do something to help him. 

Does anyone have any tips cause I've tried everything and nothing seems to work. He refuses to go to the docotor to get help cause he believes it won't work. I've researched all these organisations and websites that he could look at or get help from but he doesn't want anything to do with any of them and gets really angry at me when I bring it up. 

When he's having a good day and is happy then i'm happy to but when's he down it makes me feel bad to. My entire emotional state is dependent on how he's feeling and its just so exhausting. I'm constantly afraid that I'm going to say or do something wrong and it will set him off, I never know one day to the next what kind of mood he'll be in. I'm the only who knows about his depression so I can't even share my feelings with anyone, everyone notices that something is wrong but I can't say anything. When he's happy I isolate everyone around me and spend all my time with him because I wanna make the most of it and cherish his good mood but then when he's not doing good I still isolate everyone around me because I then become miserable to. 

I just don't know what to do, I love him so much but if he never gets help I don't think things will ever change. 

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  • Posted

    Hi Stella39815,

    I'm sorry to hear about the situation you are in and how bad your boyfriends depression has become. I know first hand how it is to be on both sides of this situation as I also had a boyfriend who suffered from depression and who would not see anyone about it and actually ended up taking drugs to numb his pain, which as u can imagine only made the situation worse!! I have also suffered terribly from depression and pushed people away as I wanted the world to leave me alone and thought everyone was better off without me so I can understand his point of view also. I'll try and break this up a bit....

    I know that you love your boyfriend with all of your heart and it hurts u to see him this way. I kept know that your mental health will be suffering too. I honestly don't want this to sound harsh and like I don't understand or care because I really do, however you have to take care of yourself. Your boyfriend can be the only one to make the choice to help himself and unless he chooses to take that help he will feel alone and continue alienate people which will only make him feel worse. I know u love your boyfriend but u also have to take care of ur mental health and maybe if he sees you talking to someone bout how your feeling and how much better it's making u feel them he might feel he would like to try it.

    Basically what I'm trying to say is I know ur taking good care of your boyfriend but if you don't take care of yourself first (which is not to sound selfish it's just something I have learned bout mental health) then you will suffer too. If you're giving it all and helping but it's hurting your soul, them who is going to help you? I really hope this makes sense and doesn't sound harsh because it's meant in a caring way!! I have been there me made all the appointments in the world and heard promises he would go, he even lied to me that he had once until I questioned him on how it went. I learned that no matter how much you love someone, you cent force them to do something they don't want to do....Even if its for their own good and you're trying to help heal the person.

    Speaking from experience please don't lose ur own voice and self worth, as I stupidly felt my love and support could be enough to heal him but he chose drugs.

    I'm not by any means saying give up, just don't sacrifice your own health in a bid to save his if he is not ready to be saved.

    Big hugs and good luck!! 💜💜 xx

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    • Posted

      Thank you so much for your comment. I hope this isn't to personal but when you were suffering from depression what was it in the end that helped you to overcome it? Was it something someone said or did, or did things just gradually get easier, or was it just you deciding to get help from somewhere? 

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    • Posted

      It's not too personal at all :0)

      When I first suffered from depression I didn't even know that's what was wrong and just kind of kept going but pretending to the world nothing was wrong until I broke down in tears in my friends car on the way to do Christmas shopping. My friend had been through depression long before I knew her and she confided in me and hugged me tight and said I need to see a doctor because I can't go on pretending nothing is wrong as it will just makes things worse. A bit of a long story but I went to the Dr who prescribed me anti depressants and when I told my family they said I wasn't depressed and not to take anything, so I stupidly took that advice and went on pretending to the world for another year until I had a complete breakdown. The doctor signed me off work for months at a time and I was then on anti depressants. That was almost 10 years ago and I've learned never to ignore how I truly feel again. I have had depression on and off for years but I now manage without anti depressants and find speaking to my phycologist the best thing I've ever done. So my advise would be done try and ignore it in the hope it will pass because in my experience it made things 10 times worse.

      Every time I have had depression it's been different, it's weird to try and describe but you learn to read the signs and try and catch it before it gets terrible again. I would say it is something you have to work at, like keep seeing friends even tho u don't want to see a soul or try and re discover the things that used to give u joy but atm u just feel numb to joy. It does gradually get easier and I'm not saying depression never goes away, in my case I just had stuff also thrown into the mix with my ocd and developing panic attacks and then eventually becoming agoraphobic. I tried to make this short haha sorry!! I'm in a better place atm tho and continue to try and keep doing those wee things that make a difference. I hope this helped and I wasn't just rambling again lol.

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    • Posted

      UPDATE :  

      My boyfriend broke up with me. At first he said he finally wanted to get help and I was thrilled but then he said he needed to do it alone and couldn't get better while dealing with the pressures of a relationship. 

      My whole world has come crashing down, I'm just a complete mess. I love him so so much, I wanted to build a life with him but now that's all gone. I did everything I possibly could to be there for him and I guess it just wasn't enough. 

      I'm don't know what to do with myself, I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't function at all. I've never felt pain like this before, my whole body just aches and hurts, I feel like I've been hit by a train. I break down in uncontrollable sobs where I just start hyperventilating. 

      All those memories that we made together, all those plans we were going to do, its all gone dissappeared. How can you get over something like this, how can you ever learn to trust someone with your heart again. I just feel so much hatred, I hate myself, I hate that I live in a world where things like depression exists I just hate everything. 

      I just don't understand why getting help means getting rid of me. 

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    • Posted

      Aww I am so so sorry to hear that!! I know the gut wrenching heartbreak you are feeling and i know you feel like your world has collapsed!! I was with my bf for 4 and 1/2 years, we lived together and were engaged and planning a life together so I completely understand and can sympathise with the pain u are going through and I'm so sorry you are going through it!! All I can say is, give it time. Having depression completely messed with ur head and decision making isn't best done when your so messed up especially big decisions like this, it may just be that ur bf needs time....He could call u up in a weeks time an say he's made a massive mistake or he could get the help he needs and maybe even feel better and realise how much u did for him. I'm not saying he defo will, but in my experiences with depression my choices in things or decisions in life were erratic and not thought through, I'm not saying that ur boyfriends are but just that it happens lot with depression so hang on in there .

      Know tho that you were most definitely enough and that u as a person cannot change or take away someone's depression. Remember before when I said I thought my love for my bf would be enough to help him through, unfortunately it doesn't work that way and no matter how much u love someone or want it, you can't take it away. It's not your fault and it's not ur not good enough to help, it's just not in ur power and I know how crap that is and how much it hurts. Please don't hate yourself I know I don't know u but you sound like a lovely person who has done everything in her power to help the man she loves!! You haven't failed him and you're not to blame, depression is. Aww I feel so bad for u!! Take care of yourself, the pain will go away it just takes time, big hugs xx

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    • Posted

      it's been a few weeks now and the pain hasn't really got any easier but I just wanted to say thank you for being so kind and replying to my message, you don't know me yet you've shown more compassion than a lot of people around me. 

      How did you even start going about moving on from your relationship, I just feel so desperately alone and lost at the moment and nothing seems to make me feel better. I don't know maybe it's not normal to be this upset after a breakup, maybe I myself need to talk to someone. He's said he still wants to be friends but has made it clear he can't deal with a relationship, it's just so heartbreaking because I desperately want him to just see that I've been the one trying to support him this whole time and that being in a relationship shouldn't hinder him getting better but help it. No matter what I say though it has no effect and leaves me feeling worse and worse. 

      I just never expected a relationship or a breakup to have this big of an impact on my life but it has and I'm really struggling to hold it together. 

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  • Posted

    Im sam and i am a 24 year old male from the south west of england (torbay) back in August I split up with my partner of 9 years which left me overwhelmed with anxiety my wildest dreams. By the time September I was in a terrible place and every day was a constant struggle and I honestly wanted to die. Things got even worse when I started taking citalopram 20mg. As the insomnia it gave me tipped me over the edge that's when the mental health crisis team got involved. Came to my house and told me I am just suffering with extreme anxiety. Cut an extremely long story short me and my partner got back together in November and guess what the anxiety was/Is still there. Not as bad I'll admit but some symptoms like rumination and mild OCD are actually worse. The sooner we realise that circumstances in life only make our anxiety worse. Doesn't mean it is the cause of our anxiety . We are anxious people and we need help with that. That's all! I am now taking sertraline 50mg have been for just over 2 weeks. Feeling a neck of a lot better. Getting back to the gym. Back to work and nearly enjoying life! Chin up peeps. Easy for me to say now I know.

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