I don't really know where to start...

I have a very close family. I have three lovely sisters of whom I adore. I have a great set of friends. I am 21 and go to university. I'm in my fourth year and suffering from a lot of stress, worry, pressure and I think more but I don't know what... really sorry to dump my story here but i hope that i can either help those who might feel the same or even get help ...

When I was around 13 I felt really inadequate about my body, how I looked and really insecure about my friendships. I hated my life. I never wanted to be with people and I had nagging thoughts that people disliked me. I had highs and lows but in general I felt that I wasn't enough, if that makes sense. I had so many breakdowns and I cut myself and made myself sick. I just didn't want to live in this world anymore because it was just horrible.

I had several times when friends and family would notice my cuts and grab me and tell me off. My sisters especially, and my mum, would be witness to my breakdowns. We couldn't understand why me, such a happy person, would act like this.

As I got older I pushed this away. But every so often it would come back. I break down and cut myself. Over the years it got worse and i moved from scissors to a kitchen knife. It felt good to tell myself I deserved it all and then the next day I would regret it, be ashamed... I did not understand it at all.

The worst moments that have been a cause for my most recent breakdowns have been the results of 2 things that have happened in my life.

In my summer before I started university, at 18, I went on a clubbing holiday. My friends were all having sex with people and we were always drunk. I had never slept with anyone - I had never had a boyfriend and I was the one they all just overlooked. One night I met a guy. He was a really muscular and tall guy. And to cut a long story short, I was young, weak and silly. I thought that I could do what my friends were doing but in the end I couldn't. I didn't like it and it was horrible. I pushed him off but he didn't let me go. There was a lot of pain but in the end I got away before it got worse.

After that I felt so ashamed. I felt angry at myself for being so stupid and for not knowing better. My friends didn't know how to handle it and moved on as if it never happened.

I got home and told my sisters. They were appalled - saying no means no and that I always have the right to tell him to stop. They told me to tell my mum. My mum, with whom I have always been close to despite regular ups/downs, didn't want to hear it. She couldn't understand why I was upset and not angry at him or my friends. It has never been spoken about since. I think that they think I'm over it but I don't know. Should I be over it by now? It's all very confusing but I suppose it's still there. I cry and feel disgusting when I think about it so I often just try and block it...

So then I went to university and never had another sexual experience until my second year. The guy was horrible. I suppose I went though with it just because I wanted to see if I could go through with it. It felt awful and he wasn't very nice either - he was not particularly happy about using protection and got quite irritated when it was suggested. It didn't last long - only a week with him- but that was 2 years ago. I have never been with anyone since.

I feel really insecure about myself. I have never met anyone I feel that has been really interested in me. I also have no interest sexually at all. I mean both attempts have seemingly been to prove something and so have been awful and for the wrong reasons. But does that make me have problem? I don't know. I suppose I'm scared that my experiences have affected me so much to the point where I have no interest and feel really strange as a result. I don't know if that means I have a problem or not....

And I'm really sorry to post this all here because that's not the end of my problems.

The other worst moment happened last March when my parents decided to get a divorce. They have put our house on the market. And they have had to live with each other until it got sold (which has only happened this March 2015). My dad hates his work and is incredibly stressed. He has changed so much from the dad I knew and I have very little feeling for him anymore as he is incredibly negative.

He puts my mum through so much hell. He is incredibly passive aggressive and we think he is also depressed. If we have a disagreement/ argument he will go into his bedroom, stay in the dark for around 48hrs, not eat or drink and not speak to anyone. We apologise but he doesn't accept it. Life then goes on as if it never happened.

It's awful seeing him like that but I build up so much resentment towards him. I mean he's my dad but he doesn't seem to care about any of us. The worst, however, is how I see my mum. She is so stressed, so depressed and she never sleeps. Her mum has cancer and her dad has Parkinsons, she works full-time in a busy job and she has to live with my dad who doesn't make her life easier. She's constantly reminded about how much she has seemingly failed in life and it positively breaks me to see my own mother cry as much as she does. I try to be there for her and she does share her feelings, which my dad won't. But she feels that she needs to be there for me while I don't want the extra pressure for her.

I have to go away for university and leave them like this until they move. But I'm really scared that although the physical move will help, the emotional bit will come later when the divorce is final, when we don't see him as much and when .... it's just so absolutely heartbreaking to see your mum cry so much and I really don't know what to do. My head hurts and I cry all the time. My friends want to help but they don't understand any of it. None of them and although people are all around me I couldn't feel more alone. My sisters and I talk but most of the time I feel like I am there for them and I get no help...

I'm sorry to just dump all this here. But a lot has gone on in my life that I just can't handle anymore and I don't know how to handle it...

I have never been diagnosed with anything and I don't think I have a problem but just a lot going on I suppose.... The worst times are at night when everything comes crashing in on me. I have seen a counsellor who has helped me a bit but I don't feel like I'm ever saying what I really feel. I feel silly telling her these things because I'm only 21!

So any advice on what I should do.. I don't really know what anyone could tell me or say to me but I know that I'm crying a lot and that it physically hurts my head...

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