I don't see a future for me, things seem to get harder.

Posted , 6 users are following.

Hi, this will probably be really long but I just need to get this all off my chest and hopefully receive some good advice.

First of all, I'll explain that I have been suffering from depression since I was 9 years old, I am now 21. It all started when my dad suddenly died, it was a huge shock to my family and myself and we have never really fully recovered. I was always shy to begin with but no longer having my dad around really affected me and I got worse. My mum was hardly around as she had to work many hours to keep a roof over our heads, so I didn't really have anyone to talk to. Then I started secondary school, I was really excited and felt all grown up, I was expecting my first day to be fun but it was the complete opposite. I got bullied from the very first second I got on the school bus until the day I graduated. I was even bullied by one of my teachers.

The bullying took a huge toll on me and I stopped taking care of myself, I hardly brushed my hair, rarely brushed my teeth (gross I know) and I just wanted to sleep all the time. I had no energy or motivation to do anything. Through the years my behaviour got worse and then finally at the age of 19 I was diagnosed with severe depression.

I was put on anti-depressants and recieved CBT therapy. Unfortunately the CBT therapy didn't help, my therapist didn't really seem to care and I felt rushed. I only spoke to him for 10 minutes on average with each visit and he gave me impossible tasks such as going to a friend's house when I don't have any friends.

Now to my current issue. I'm stuck. Really stuck. I have no idea what to do and I feel as if there's no way out. There's so many problems on my shoulders and they seem impossible to fix. I'll list the problems that are really affecting me.

- My stepdad has terminal cancer, he's getting worse by the day and I don't know how to help my mum. I'm really scared. I'm scared because life will drastically change when he dies, me and my mum won't be able to live in our current house as we will be kicked out by the owner (who is my stepdad's son) so he can sell the house and we will hardly have any money to buy a new house. I can't bare to see my mum hurt anymore. She just wants to have a home for once in her life and I know she will need me for support, but I don't think I'm strong enough to go through another drastic change.

- I feel like a lazy slob because I can't get a job. I have no good qualifications, I can't drive yet because my anxiety seems to go through the roof when I'm behind the wheel, resulting in bad driving. I live in the middle of nowhere so it's not like I can walk to work and as pathetic as it sounds, I have a huge phobia of public transport. I really want to start working but I just don't know what to do, I'm willing to get over my fear of the outside world just so I can help my mum but with no skills and no confidence, it seems like no one will hire me.

- This one may sound pathetic. I hate my appearance. I hate my face, my skin, my body, my hair and most of all my teeth. My teeth aren't straight or nice and white, to me they're disgusting and this doesn't help when meeting new people when I try to awkwardly cover my mouth and avoid eye contact at all cost. I have honestly considered commiting suicide all thanks to the way I look and although people say I'm pretty, the fact that I've never had a boyfriend proves my point.

So, they're the three main problems that seem to weigh me down and I could really do with advice on. Does anyone know where I can go and what kind of help I can recieve? Also, if you read all of this, thank you so so much. I know it's a lot but like I said, I'm stuck and this seems like a good place for help.

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7 Replies

  • Posted

    You have had a lot to deal with for someone so young, and the fact that you have had the guts to start to do something to try and put, what you think is wrong, right, is great. Little steps. I think at one time or another we have all been insecure about how we look or how we perceive other people see us, you are perfectly normal thinking that, so don't beat yourself up about that, beauty in the eye of the beholder and all that stuff.

    Support you mum as much ad you can, you might not think your doing enough, but trust me she will really appreciate it. Anxiety, well, we all have that in some way or other, but it's like looking at decorating a big room, you look at it and think, flipping neck I am never going to be able to do this, but, if you break it down to say just the one wall and say, I am going to start and just finish that. Sit down look at it and think ok I did that and if was good job. And go from there.

    The big picture can seem far too much, but breaking things down into little chunks can help. Walk up to the bus. You don't have to get on it if you dont feel like it, the next day you might want to get on it, you may not, but you have at least started the process and done something positive, be good to yourself and cut yourself some slack.


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    • Posted

      Hi, you do sound desperate and have the whole world on your shoulders. Firstly you need to address your self esteem and confidence. If your in the UK then you can get free dental care for your teeth, fillings and teeth straightning, thou not cosmetic, as you are not working. Also there are lots of organisations that can help with housing and fianancial issues. I would also go back to your GP and tell them how you are feeling, there are other therapies or counselling that may help you. while your mental health is not good you will not be able to help your mum. Is there any voluntary work you could do to try to gain some confidence, you could work in the back of a charity shop so that your not with too many people. Please give these ideas some thought and let me know how you get on, there is always someone on here to suport you. Hope this helps.
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  • Posted

    My heart goes out to you - you have had so many difficulties from such an early age. Sh*t happens, and it is not your fault. It's a shame you didn't find CBT helpful - it doesn't help everybody (it didn't work for me either). Since your problems seem to have started with your father's unexpected death there may be an element of unresolved bereavement. You might find Cruse helpful (bereavement care charity - https://www.cruse.org.uk/). Don't give up - you have demonstrated amazing courage to have got to where you are today, and to have asked for help. All the best, Jo

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  • Posted

    Hi. hope today is better for you. Telling you to go and see a friend is hard enough when you feel so awful but when you have no friends to go and see we move into the realms of ridiculous. And I suspect that you have a brain cell and could have worked out for yourself it would be a good idea to talk to your friend if you had one. cognitive behavioural therapy is great for people who do not or cannot make good decisions but it does not always follow that the person with depression is unwilling or unable to do that.
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  • Posted

    Some of the prettiest people remain dateless or unmarried.  A lot of it has to do with your social or work activity and meeting folks on a casual level, having good friends and love will come.  Right now, dating can't be on your radar since you and your mum are facing such great challenges.  Mum might get aggravated with you so maybe you can find a mental health person (who will give you more than 10 minutes) and possibly get on an antidepressant that works for you.  My niece was bullied all during her school days and it really took a toll on her self esteem.  Because our family was quasi tight knit, she had good social skills and a loving family who stood by her, no matter what.  She has also been there for each of us as we have needed her and finally, at age 29, she has good self esteem, doesn't waste her time on negative people who enjoy being negative.  She is the light of my life and I watched her struggle and overcome her father leaving the family in her early life and she is quick to make others (and herself!) laugh.  Mental issues run thru the family but we have all overcome to a great degree and have become a more cohesive group.  Also, when people really know you, warts and all, your looks become not so important.  We are going to age, sag, get wrinkles, get fat, go bald, etc., so learning self acceptance is really important.  Getting older is a lot more fun when you give yourself a break.  Get the world off your shoulders.  It should never fall to just one person and I am sure your mum feels the same.  Everyone in your home is suffering so seek some outside activities.  Most terminal patients don't want life to stop for everyone around them; it makes them feel worse.  Do you have access to hospice care?  They are wonderful with terminal patients and their families.  Give yourself a break and try to focus on your good qualities.  Try to make your mum laugh, that will help you both.
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