Posted , 6 users are following.
Hi, this will probably be really long but I just need to get this all off my chest and hopefully receive some good advice.
First of all, I'll explain that I have been suffering from depression since I was 9 years old, I am now 21. It all started when my dad suddenly died, it was a huge shock to my family and myself and we have never really fully recovered. I was always shy to begin with but no longer having my dad around really affected me and I got worse. My mum was hardly around as she had to work many hours to keep a roof over our heads, so I didn't really have anyone to talk to. Then I started secondary school, I was really excited and felt all grown up, I was expecting my first day to be fun but it was the complete opposite. I got bullied from the very first second I got on the school bus until the day I graduated. I was even bullied by one of my teachers.
The bullying took a huge toll on me and I stopped taking care of myself, I hardly brushed my hair, rarely brushed my teeth (gross I know) and I just wanted to sleep all the time. I had no energy or motivation to do anything. Through the years my behaviour got worse and then finally at the age of 19 I was diagnosed with severe depression.
I was put on anti-depressants and recieved CBT therapy. Unfortunately the CBT therapy didn't help, my therapist didn't really seem to care and I felt rushed. I only spoke to him for 10 minutes on average with each visit and he gave me impossible tasks such as going to a friend's house when I don't have any friends.
Now to my current issue. I'm stuck. Really stuck. I have no idea what to do and I feel as if there's no way out. There's so many problems on my shoulders and they seem impossible to fix. I'll list the problems that are really affecting me.
- My stepdad has terminal cancer, he's getting worse by the day and I don't know how to help my mum. I'm really scared. I'm scared because life will drastically change when he dies, me and my mum won't be able to live in our current house as we will be kicked out by the owner (who is my stepdad's son) so he can sell the house and we will hardly have any money to buy a new house. I can't bare to see my mum hurt anymore. She just wants to have a home for once in her life and I know she will need me for support, but I don't think I'm strong enough to go through another drastic change.
- I feel like a lazy slob because I can't get a job. I have no good qualifications, I can't drive yet because my anxiety seems to go through the roof when I'm behind the wheel, resulting in bad driving. I live in the middle of nowhere so it's not like I can walk to work and as pathetic as it sounds, I have a huge phobia of public transport. I really want to start working but I just don't know what to do, I'm willing to get over my fear of the outside world just so I can help my mum but with no skills and no confidence, it seems like no one will hire me.
- This one may sound pathetic. I hate my appearance. I hate my face, my skin, my body, my hair and most of all my teeth. My teeth aren't straight or nice and white, to me they're disgusting and this doesn't help when meeting new people when I try to awkwardly cover my mouth and avoid eye contact at all cost. I have honestly considered commiting suicide all thanks to the way I look and although people say I'm pretty, the fact that I've never had a boyfriend proves my point.
So, they're the three main problems that seem to weigh me down and I could really do with advice on. Does anyone know where I can go and what kind of help I can recieve? Also, if you read all of this, thank you so so much. I know it's a lot but like I said, I'm stuck and this seems like a good place for help.
0 likes, 7 replies