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so i am a 17 year old girl, for a year now i have been talking to this guy, he’s a year younger than me, and he lives thousands of miles away in a whole other country. all of my life i never really had anyone truly there for me, and i accepted that no one really loved me, so i trusted virtually no one. not until this guy came along. at first he messaged me because he was a brazilian wanting to move to the USA when he got older, and so i would answer his questions about random things about the US, but a couple of months ago we started really really talking, and suddenly i was always waiting to hear back from him, i messaged him all day and all morning, we would stay up til
the sun talking, and i would be tired in class but it was worth it because i felt i found someone to trust, he asked about my day, he made me feel good, we had fluent and genuine conversations, it was like nothing before. so eventually i started falling for him, and he felt the same for me. after we confessed to one another we were hooked, i felt like he was the one and i was so excited to meet him in 2 years when he finally turned 18, and when we could finally start a life together. and i think i fell so hard for him was because he was not like others, he had a music taste like no other, when he got excited about a topic, he could back up a debate with many facts, he was so passionate about things he loved or had strong feelings about, he listened to me on my bad days, he became someone i wanted to spend the rest of my days with. he became my everything; so i relied on him, i liked talking
with him it made me feel like someone cared, something to look forward to in my future, i finally felt like i had a place on this earth, like i meant something to someone. of course my head could not help but think what if he was not really in love with you too? he told me he was, i would joke and say “i don’t know why i love you” and he would reply with “my love for you never differs, i love you unconditionally” he never joked about our love, i eventually felt like he actually really loved me, i felt so lucky to have him, but about 2 months ago he started replying slow, and one day he did not respond for 2 days, i got upset but he explained that he could not always be there, he had to
sleep earlier, since his mother started giving him pills (he has insomnia so his mom finally got him medicine for it), and then he started getting appointments with his psychiatrist, he cuts himself, he also had BPD (borderline personality disorder), but through this he promised me he would try his hardest to reply to me, but everntually when we talked i felt a distance, it upset me so we would get into arguements, big and small, we would make up but still it kept
happening, and then about a month ago he would stop replying completely, days go by and he would reply with small convo and then come back the next day and say he fell asleep, but then about 2 weeks ago he would only reply every other day, i started wondering if he did not
love me anymore? but then i realized he told me no matter what he loved me so i brushed it away, but still, why was he not responding? it hurt, i cut off talking with many other people because he was the only person i wanted to talk to, and no one really cared about me or understood my real feelings he was the only one i have spilled my real heart out to, he replies now and then every other day and says he stays off of social media’s because he is getting hurt and hurting others and he doesn’t want to hurt anyone or have himself feel hurt anymore and maybe a week ago he said “not only do i hurt myself, i hurt the love of my life” and then just 2 days ago he said he was “dying” and that he didn’t want me to live my life in grief because of him. i sent him messages but he has yet to reply, he is worrying me because he hasn’t been online since then, and i have been severely depressed in the past couple of weeks because of this, he was the only one who made me feel okay, and now he won’t reply, i can’t know for sure if he’s okay or what and before i met him i had many suicidal thoughts, like walking in front of a car or crashing one, but i told him about this and he told me he was there for me, we promised one another we would never leave each other, he ensured me it would be alright and i should not die, and i stopped, but of course occasionally i would have the thoughts but the thought of losing him by me dying was so painful, i discarded it everytime but now that he never replies, that i do not know if he’s okay, or if he’s even on this earth anymore, i cry every night, every breath i take is so exhausting, i do not want to breathe anymore, but i keep breathing because i do not know if he’s okay, until he dies, i can’t push myself to die, i want that future with him but i do not know if he can make it there, he too is suicidal, and with his illnesses it makes it hard for him to believe anyone is loving towards him, i know that we can have a relationship and he is capable of love, but he does not see it, and the fact that he’s 4,000+ miles away, oceans far from me, in a whole other country, it kills me, my heart has been so heavy, so hurt, i have never felt my heart feel legit broken until these past weeks, i feel it in my chest and it hurts physically so much; he lifted me up and made my heart feel okay but without him i do not know what to do, i do not want to continue living if he can’t be here with me, i see no point, and i do not care about life much, i really do not care to live a life doing some job, some stupid routine everyday unless he was there.. he was the one thing that made my life feel worth living and without him i feel helpless and alone, i don’t talk to anyone else about my real feelings, i spend every night in tears, at school i am almost always on the verge of sadness, even as i type this out, i want to breakdown. my friends ask what’s wrong but i would never tell them, they would not care anyways, they all have their own lives to worry about and i do not want to burden them with this, but i don’t feel happy anymore, i do not not even care, i just wish i knew if he was okay, that i would be able to see him in 2 years, i feel so lost and hurt with him gone, and i keep thinking about jumping off a bridge, or taking a knife to my heart, or overdosing myself, or covering my head with a bag so i could suffocate, or jumping in front of car so i could end it all, forget everything and just be dead and not feel anything anymore. but I can’t do it, if i die and he turns out to be able to see me face to face in these next couple of years, i will have died with a huge regret, but i still keep thinking of ending it all, but i want to have that future with him, so i cannot abandon it... but to be alive for these next years, it hurts me so much when i do not know how he is doing, or that our future is able to be a reality, i hurt every single day.. i am so sick and tired of everyone in my life, i almost wish i could forget him, forget the feelings i have for him.. but he was the greatest thing in my life and he went from my #1 to the one who never responds, how is he right now? i do not know. it hurts, how can i feel better? i drive myself insane with thoughts in my head, i am mentally sick, and i do not even care about anything in my life anymore, i don’t know if i can keep living like this.. i have no one,, the one i want, i cannot have now, i don’t know what to do anymore... how do you live when you barely feel alive?
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