i don’t want to be alive anymore, but i can’t commit to dying

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so i am a 17 year old girl, for a year now i have been talking to this guy, he’s a year younger than me, and he lives thousands of miles away in a whole other country. all of my life i never really had anyone truly there for me, and i accepted that no one really loved me, so i trusted virtually no one. not until this guy came along. at first he messaged me because he was a brazilian wanting to move to the USA when he got older, and so i would answer his questions about random things about the US, but a couple of months ago we started really really talking, and suddenly i was always waiting to hear back from him, i messaged him all day and all morning, we would stay up til

the sun talking, and i would be tired in class but it was worth it because i felt i found someone to trust, he asked about my day, he made me feel good, we had fluent and genuine conversations, it was like nothing before. so eventually i started falling for him, and he felt the same for me. after we confessed to one another we were hooked, i felt like he was the one and i was so excited to meet him in 2 years when he finally turned 18, and when we could finally start a life together. and i think i fell so hard for him was because he was not like others, he had a music taste like no other, when he got excited about a topic, he could back up a debate with many facts, he was so passionate about things he loved or had strong feelings about, he listened to me on my bad days, he became someone i wanted to spend the rest of my days with. he became my everything; so i relied on him, i liked talking

with him it made me feel like someone cared, something to look forward to in my future, i finally felt like i had a place on this earth, like i meant something to someone. of course my head could not help but think what if he was not really in love with you too? he told me he was, i would joke and say “i don’t know why i love you” and he would reply with “my love for you never differs, i love you unconditionally” he never joked about our love, i eventually felt like he actually really loved me, i felt so lucky to have him, but about 2 months ago he started replying slow, and one day he did not respond for 2 days, i got upset but he explained that he could not always be there, he had to

sleep earlier, since his mother started giving him pills (he has insomnia so his mom finally got him medicine for it), and then he started getting appointments with his psychiatrist, he cuts himself, he also had BPD (borderline personality disorder), but through this he promised me he would try his hardest to reply to me, but everntually when we talked i felt a distance, it upset me so we would get into arguements, big and small, we would make up but still it kept

happening, and then about a month ago he would stop replying completely, days go by and he would reply with small convo and then come back the next day and say he fell asleep, but then about 2 weeks ago he would only reply every other day, i started wondering if he did not

love me anymore? but then i realized he told me no matter what he loved me so i brushed it away, but still, why was he not responding? it hurt, i cut off talking with many other people because he was the only person i wanted to talk to, and no one really cared about me or understood my real feelings he was the only one i have spilled my real heart out to, he replies now and then every other day and says he stays off of social media’s because he is getting hurt and hurting others and he doesn’t want to hurt anyone or have himself feel hurt anymore and maybe a week ago he said “not only do i hurt myself, i hurt the love of my life” and then just 2 days ago he said he was “dying” and that he didn’t want me to live my life in grief because of him. i sent him messages but he has yet to reply, he is worrying me because he hasn’t been online since then, and i have been severely depressed in the past couple of weeks because of this, he was the only one who made me feel okay, and now he won’t reply, i can’t know for sure if he’s okay or what and before i met him i had many suicidal thoughts, like walking in front of a car or crashing one, but i told him about this and he told me he was there for me, we promised one another we would never leave each other, he ensured me it would be alright and i should not die, and i stopped, but of course occasionally i would have the thoughts but the thought of losing him by me dying was so painful, i discarded it everytime but now that he never replies, that i do not know if he’s okay, or if he’s even on this earth anymore, i cry every night, every breath i take is so exhausting, i do not want to breathe anymore, but i keep breathing because i do not know if he’s okay, until he dies, i can’t push myself to die, i want that future with him but i do not know if he can make it there, he too is suicidal, and with his illnesses it makes it hard for him to believe anyone is loving towards him, i know that we can have a relationship and he is capable of love, but he does not see it, and the fact that he’s 4,000+ miles away, oceans far from me, in a whole other country, it kills me, my heart has been so heavy, so hurt, i have never felt my heart feel legit broken until these past weeks, i feel it in my chest and it hurts physically so much; he lifted me up and made my heart feel okay but without him i do not know what to do, i do not want to continue living if he can’t be here with me, i see no point, and i do not care about life much, i really do not care to live a life doing some job, some stupid routine everyday unless he was there.. he was the one thing that made my life feel worth living and without him i feel helpless and alone, i don’t talk to anyone else about my real feelings, i spend every night in tears, at school i am almost always on the verge of sadness, even as i type this out, i want to breakdown. my friends ask what’s wrong but i would never tell them, they would not care anyways, they all have their own lives to worry about and i do not want to burden them with this, but i don’t feel happy anymore, i do not not even care, i just wish i knew if he was okay, that i would be able to see him in 2 years, i feel so lost and hurt with him gone, and i keep thinking about jumping off a bridge, or taking a knife to my heart, or overdosing myself, or covering my head with a bag so i could suffocate, or jumping in front of car so i could end it all, forget everything and just be dead and not feel anything anymore. but I can’t do it, if i die and he turns out to be able to see me face to face in these next couple of years, i will have died with a huge regret, but i still keep thinking of ending it all, but i want to have that future with him, so i cannot abandon it... but to be alive for these next years, it hurts me so much when i do not know how he is doing, or that our future is able to be a reality, i hurt every single day.. i am so sick and tired of everyone in my life, i almost wish i could forget him, forget the feelings i have for him.. but he was the greatest thing in my life and he went from my #1 to the one who never responds, how is he right now? i do not know. it hurts, how can i feel better? i drive myself insane with thoughts in my head, i am mentally sick, and i do not even care about anything in my life anymore, i don’t know if i can keep living like this.. i have no one,, the one i want, i cannot have now, i don’t know what to do anymore... how do you live when you barely feel alive?

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  • Posted

    Hi mariah2410,

    We note from a recent post which you have made to our forum that you may be experiencing thoughts around self-harm. If we have misinterpreted your comments then we apologies for contacting you directly. But if you are having such thoughts then please note that you are not alone in this, and there are people out there that can help.

    If you are having these suicidal thoughts then we strongly recommend you speak to someone who may be able to help. The Samaritans offer a safe space where you can talk openly about what you are going through. They can help you explore your options, understand your problems better, or just be there to listen.

    Their contact details are on our patient information leaflet here: https://patient.info/health/dealing-with-suicidal-thoughts , which also offers lots of other advice on how you can access the help you may need.

    If you are having such thoughts then please do reach out to the team at the Samaritans (or the other people detailed in our leaflet) who will understand what you're going through and will be able to help.

    Kindest regards


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  • Posted

    Hi mariah

    I’ve read your post and his the situation has made you feel and it reminded me of a situation I was in with someone who I loved. I was my best when I was with her we connected we laughed we bonded and it seemed like the perfect situation.

    Sadly I missed the red flags that clearly something was wrong, I later realised that my partner (now ex) was borderline personality disorder. Blowing hot and cold and one extreme mood to the other. Her mental health along with my depression didn’t work well and she became controlling and it all went wrong. I never let anyone get close to me and the one person I chose to, turned on me.

    It’s been 10 months and I miss her every day but it does get better and time is a certainly a healer. Yes when someone is so close to us and shows love when others don’t then it’s painful when it goes wrong 

    Read up on borderline personality disorders and see if any traits fit and you can take it from there 

    Wishing you all the best moving forward 

    Take care 

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    • Posted

      i wish i could let him go, but i can’t, and i know about the disorder, he told me about it awhile back and i read about it but as the days would go by in these last few months i saw the traits shining through, he warned me though so i am at fault, i don’t want to give up on him though, just because of his disorder, how am i a decent person if i discard someone because of this? i just want to know if he’s okay but i don’t and it really kills me every step i take to not know, i never really had many true interests or feelings for or towards anything else, he care into my life and painted it in color, but now all i see is black and white without him. i wish everything was simpler but it’s not and it really sucks, but thank you for responding to me, writing it out and actually getting a real response makes me more at ease, and makes me feel less of an alone person, since i have no one to talk to in my everyday life or even online, thank you.
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  • Posted

    Hello Mariah. I read all of your email and I realize that your pain is deep. Makes me sad for you that it seems you have lost your friend. So sorry that you don't know how he is. But Mariah you are young to learn about a huge part of loving and that is loss. You are grieving and grieving at a deep level and I wonder since you are 17 if you couldn't get some grief counseling. Could you talk to your parents about how you are feeling and let them know that you need help? Mariah you do need help. Please keep us posted because we do care very much. Diane 

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    • Posted

      i would talk to them if they cared.. but they don’t, my dad is too busy messing with women all day long, my mom lives far far away and he keeps me from her. my dad contributes to a big part of why i don’t want to be alive, i used to not live with him, and i lives with my grandmother but she unfortunately passed away and i was forced to move back in with my dad. he just uses me and doesn’t care about my health, i am actually sick now, and have been having stomach isssues lately, i am not sure what it is but he won’t take me to a doctor, the last time i went to a doctor was years ago.. so asking for him to get me a counselor or anything, is out of the question.. i wish i had someone to talk to but i have nobody. it is hard to keep it all together, i used to be so good at keeping it all inside of me but ever since i have become a emotional mess over this whole situation i have not been okay. my heart physically pings and hurts, i feel like it’s actually broken, it hurts so much to care and i wish i could forget everything but i think i care too much.. i wish i didn’t, i could erase him from my phone and go on with life, but i can’t do it, but then again i see no point in living if i cannot live that future, it’s so hard to decide anything anymore, i don’t know how much longer my broken heart can stay together, why does life have to be this way.. i see no future when he’s not in it, i just wish i was a normal happy person, who worried about small things, but every single day my worries are about whether i should end it all or continue another what-feels-pointless-day. i have even been thinking of cutting lately, this guy i am talking about, he does it to relieve himself, i would beg him to quit but he would not give it up, it made me shed tears knowing he was doing it but now i keep thinking of it, the more the days go by the closer i am to insanity, i can’t take it anymore, i don’t know what to do.. i am sorry if i sound dramatic.. i just don’t know anymore, i just wish he was okay and that we could have that future.. it hurts so much. 
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