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I dont know how to cope with my partners bipolar. help?

Posted , 5 users are following.

becky2501
becky2501

Hi. I've been with my Fiancé now gor two years. He has bipolar and ive always tried to be understanding & supportive. When we first got together he wasn't medicating at all, was heavily drinking (although managing to hold down a full time job). & didnt really care about himself. It was hell on earth at first, but not at the same time. I knew nothing of this condition before I met him & it was so difficult.

Since then he has quit drinking with the help of AA, gone back on medication & is currently getting help with group cbt sessions. I've been to the library & read book after book, been to docs appts with him, been in touch with bipolar uk. None of this helps me though when he suddenly 'changes'. I know we have both been through so much and have been fighting to help one another (I have clinical depression) but after yet another 'jekyl & hyde' episode I'm left wondering what the heck am I doing here? I love him so so much. He's my soulmate & when he's 'himself' he's the most caring, beautiful funniest man ive ever known. I keep reading about the mania & depression but no one mentions 'anger issues'. Which so often come into play with us where he can be fine one minute and explode into a ball of frustration and anger the next. Dont get me wrong he would never hurt me or my children but he says & shouts nasty things at me. So hurtful. Like Telling me to f*** off outta his face or to shut up crying coz its making him feel guilty. He accuses me of things that I haven done, that have arisen from situations that happened months ago but has been twisted into something it wasnt. Like when he txt me to say he was setting off from a friends house (it was late, dark & he was cycling). It takes 10 mins for him to get home from there. 30 mins later there was no sign of him. So I call his mobile to see if he's ok as I start to worry. He was fine bit this happens about 3 times. When he does come home he asked why I was still up. I said you forgot your keys.

That was it..end of. That happened months ago. Except yesterday he 'changed' and accused me of being angry with him & telling him off for being late home from his friends house. Said I even called to make sure he was on his way home. *ouch* I woukd never do that, he knows that. Im not a controlling person & check up on him etc. I just dont know what to do or how much more of this I can take. X

1 like, 13 replies

13 Replies

  • lynne05476
    lynne05476 becky2501

    Posted

    Hi Becky,I can relate to what you describe on 2 levels ,as the one with bi-polar i can tell you that my actions and words with my husband has no boundaries when i'm off on one.The emotion of the behavoir is non-existent so my husband has to let it run it's course. Can be less than an hour or can run for days and that the jeckell part,then the hyde and i am a jibbering wreck wallowing in what i've put him through.I have to say that now i'm on right meds has made a huge difference to our lives but if your partner has given up alcohol ,started meds and doing cbt thats an awful lot to be dealing with so i can relate to his outburts of erratic behavior.Don't take the nitpicking personally and maybe think about seeking support for yourself.I don't have answers but i'm sure that knowing you love him will get you through tough times.Good Luck x
    • becky2501
      becky2501 lynne05476

      Posted

      Hi Lynne

      Thank you so much for your reply. Just knowing that others are/have had the same experiences makes me feel less alone in this. So thank you for that. Although at the same time makes me sad to think that others have to endure this too. Both the one with the condition & their partner. On here is the only way im going to find support I think. There are no local support groups near us & there's only so much reading I can do. After a while it all states the same things.

      Yes my Fiancé is always distraught afterwards when he has come out of it.

      I do know it's not personal not intentional but sometimes can't help feeling that way. It breaks me each time it happens. Im trying to stay strong, for myself & him.

      I really appreciate you taking the time to reply to me. Thank you x

  • lynne05476
    lynne05476 becky2501

    Posted

    Hi Becky, you are absolutely right ,there is only so much reading you can do and i have to say having gone along to a local support meeting when i was just starting meds i sat there craving the normality of ordinary people.Listening to the trials of about six people with a wide range of mental health problems did not help me in the slightest.I decided that the best thing i could do once i felt stronger was to be honest with people especially at work about my bi-polar diagnosis.As a result of that i think it made people less wary of me and it means i can be honest if i'm having a tough few days.Why have i told you all that Well,is there someone who you can really talk to if things are tough? i've just been talking to my husband on the back of your post and he really gets it,at times he said my behaviour made him distraught and i couldn't have cared less,not easy to hear now i can tell you BUT I was ill .I really hope you hang on in there ,feel free to message me privately x
    • becky2501
      becky2501 lynne05476

      Posted

      Hi Lynne

      I can only imagine how it must have felt at that meeting. It is something I was wary of when researching for support groups.

      My partner has in the past been honest with employers only for it to backfire & him be forced out of work. Its even happened to me when I confided in a workplace, within the NHS too! I had an optimistic view and even thought I would be able to show him that not everyone reacts the same way. Only for it to backfire horrendously. So we are both left feeling like we can't share it with the outside world too much. In fact ive been attending cbt myself recently & the counsellor has worked with those who have bp. Yet after I had allowed all my emotions out about my partners bp & its effect on me, she then the following week revealed how she had been speaking with her colleagues and they all agreed and felt I was the victim of ebuse! Needless to say I was both shocked & horrified & was left feeling that I cannot speak about it all as freely as one should be able to. I spoke with my partners doctor about it when I went with him to a check up about his meds who reassured me.

      It's as though even some 'professionals' don't understand yet they claim to know all about it. Bringing me to the point where you mention that you were ill. Although I know deep down that he's ill, its tough going through the 'anger episodes' he has. It all seems so personal. That said I'm still here & trying because I know its not his fault & as strange as it sounds I dont want to give up on him & walk away on what otherwise is a perfect relationship. I try & keep the good times in my head at the lowest & hardest points. I guess thats why it's always so hurtful, for anyone in the same position.

      Thanks so much x

  • emlou1992
    emlou1992 becky2501

    Posted

    Hi becky.

    im n the process of being diagnosed with bipolar and am very much like ur partner. I am fine and then i will just trurn into this really angry frustrated and agressive person. My partner like you is standing by me but finds it extremly hard. I cant speak for your partner but i can say when i have an episode its almost like im not me and that something jas taken over me. Its scarry and frustrating because i no im hurting the person i love the most. I no how hard it must be sometimes it helps me if my partner ignormes me because when he reacts it makes me even worse. You will both get threw this you just have to stick together. And talk that really helps me and my partner

    good look smile

    • becky2501
      becky2501 emlou1992

      Posted

      Hi Emlou

      Sorry to hear that you're currently undergoing a diagnosis for bipolar. Thank you for your kind reassuring words. Im happy to hear that your partner is sticking by you too though. It is hard from our side but I also see what it does from my partner & your side of things too. As ive said to Lynne above somewhere about the 'jekyl & hyde' . My partner turns into someone I barely recognise whom seems to have no end of hurtful things to shout & then once he's snapped out of it he cant remember most of whsts happened. N if he does its usually been twisted round in his head and is remembered all wrong. Its this that I see him hurting over the most.

      Weve done lots of talking always, which is how weve managed to get ourselves this far I think. My partner recently made a list of everything in his head that is making him feel stress & pressured. We spent the afternoon going through each thing trying to see if there were ways to 'ease off' the pressure & finding coping mechanisms. Weve done the whole 'lets agree to do this...' before but has been forgotten by him when in his 'anger' stages. This hurts as it makes me feel like nothing will work. We are still trying though. Thank you x

  • Skyla12
    Skyla12 becky2501

    Posted

    Hi Becky.

    Wow I feel like you could've just written that post about me. I'm in a very similar situation to you. My fiance has bipolar and although he's on medication has recently (since christmas) gone back to having those nasty nasty moods. It's hurtful no matter how much you try to toughen youself to it. No matter how much you love them. They do it to hurt you because they're so full of anger and boy does it work.

    I wish I had a solution but that's why I'm here too.. cause I don't and I'm hurting!

    Wanted to tell you you're far from alone though x

    • becky2501
      becky2501 Skyla12

      Posted

      Hi Skyla

      Thanks for your reply. I dont really know what to say. It does sound exactly the same.  I will say that since being on here and talking to others I feel less alone. I hope you find that too, believe it or not it really helps.

      Im sorry to hear the nasty moods have come back since Christmas. (Big stress trigger with my fiance ive found) maybe its like that for all or most people with bipolar. ..big stresses for sure I think like christmas, weddings etc. Has he missed any of his tablets? That can be a possible cause I find.

      It is so difficult you're right it does really hurt. Especially when it catches you totally off guard where seconds before you were both laughing or something. I always find myself questioning my own sanity & reasons for staying in those dark times. I hate him so much when he's like that & sometimes it takes ages for me to even be able to look at him again.

      You're not alone either. Xxx

      Have you any support groups in your area?

  • Skyla12
    Skyla12 becky2501

    Posted

    Thank you hun just having someone reply and be able to understand without me having to explain means a lot. I dunno.if you find this but the friends I confide in, although they try to listen and be understanding.. as far as they can see he's just being abusive and I should leave him. If yo it was that simple!!

    I'm not aware of.any support groups in our area that are for "carers" ( ant get my head around that phrase!) I did ask his psych for some support but never got anything. Think I will ask again at the next appointment...

    I will try to keep popping back on here cause boy do I feel alone at the moment.. The closet I have to someone who understands is his mum who lives on the other side of the world and she only.understands cause his dad is just the same. She had the guts to kick his dad out and it made him realise what he was missing and has gone back and been much better since... i just don't feel that brave.. i'm So.scared he wouldn't come back *sigh*

    Thank you for replying xx

    • becky2501
      becky2501 Skyla12

      Posted

      You're welcome. I know that feeling of loneliness all too well when it comes to bipolar. I have replied to your own discussion thread too.

      Ah..bit poop that shes on the other side of the world. As for friends etc..they just dont want to see you get hurt. I went to the library and printed lots of info off about biploar and the anger issues with it & have given it to my parents to read. Maybe something like that might help too.

      You need to go and speak to a GP about you & your health issues though. You need support from somewhere. Try to think of yourself & you're toddler too. No matter what they need you. I know how hard it is believe me. My depression (clinical depression) hit an all time low last year & I tried to commit suicide. I would have left behind two beautiful little girls. I was so ashamed afterwards in the hospital.

      More so as I lost my brother to suicide 3 yrs ago. There was nothing for support for that either only counselling which had massive waiting lists & did no good.

      Hugs xxxxx

  • Skyla12
    Skyla12 becky2501

    Posted

    Aww Becky you sound like you've been through a rough time aside from the bipolar issue. I so.wish there was a way to make things easier for us both (and everyone else suffering mental health issues) Counselling here is a joke too... an urgent case is a 6 month wait.. last year I was struggling too when my dad died from cancer and I went to see someone for an assessment and she told me I could go to some Pants art therapy group if they wanted me (one I'd actually been to before and was rubbish) or I could just go home and deal.with it myself... great huh?!

    My little girl keeps me going at the moment but I hate her having to see mummy cry, she's such a caring little thing and she strokes my cheek and says don't cry mummy (which makes me cry more!) I wish my fiance could see the impact his actions have on her and he older 2 as well....

    Bipolar is a horrible illness. .. i know people.suffering from it hate how it can make them but it's just so cruel that when they're in "the zone" it seems like none else matters... kids included.

    • becky2501
      becky2501 Skyla12

      Posted

      Hi Skyla

      oh bless. I know how much it hurts when your kids are seeing you in that position. Ive been there before many times. It breaks your heart. sad

      You sound like you've got more than enough going on that several people woukd struggle with, never mind one.

      Yh by the time a position for counselling was offered I'd dealt with the grief myself.

      Im really struggling atm with regards to the bipolar. Ive been sick for a week and he's been great. But before I got sick some of my painkillers went missing. I knew it was him..the kids wouldnt touch them (and theyre out of their reach). He's done it before, a few times & sworn to me he would never do it again. He went out one evening with his friend for his friends birthday and thats when I noticed. I wondered wether to wait til he got home but eventually wound myself up that much that I txt'd him. He denied it several times over msgs with one reply even saying 'i wouldnt do that to you again, its not worth losing you over' but still I knew he was lying. Over the weekend I asked again & he said no but his face couldn't hide it. I asked again softly & he admitted the whole thing. He started crying & I turned away from him. I coukdnt bare to look at him. This all happened not long after he'd bought me flowers & films coz I was ill. I didnt know what to feel or think.

      We sorted it. Kinda. But then this evening it came to my attention that we were misding £30. I asked him about it & that same look crossed his face. I told him im having trouble believing him coz its happened before, which he wasnt happy about. He hasnt shouted or anything which is good.

  • justine97840
    justine97840 becky2501

    Posted

    Hi becky,

    Ive been with my partner for nearly 2 years and reading your story has hit so many similarities with mine. I notice that your origonal post is over a year old and im wondering have things improved?

    Regards

    Justine

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