I dont want to be alive anymore.

Posted , 10 users are following.

Im 31 with two kids and I regret bringing them into a world where their mom wishes she was dead. I've dealt with depression and anxiety since I was old enough to recognize the symptoms. Growing up in a violent home, being sexually abused multiple times as a child all play a part in who I am now, and it's getting to be too much to bare. I'm struggling financially , and I think I'm about to lose my job. I'm so lost in this world, and wish I knew my purpose. I want to die so bad, but don't want to pass that pain to my children, so I'm stuck here till I can't no more. I'm unmotivated, scared, lost and nobody who would really listen. I usually keep things to myself, cause it's so hard to have these conversations without feeling worst about yourself.

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7 Replies

  • Posted

    Gosh don't know what to say,  you've had a hard life so far,  go ask for support for how you feel off a doctor just to give yourself a  bit of peace and time for you.  I hope your luck picks up  you could certainly do it. 

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  • Posted

    Debby think about the kids they need you more than anything! I know your going through a lot of pain and haven't had a great start, it must be very hard for you, I feel for you, have u talked to your doctor? Are you taking medication? Is there even a crisis team in your area that could help you out that you could ring? I'm a mother of 5 and ring the crisis team constantly and they talk me through things and are a great help! I also receive counselling, I don't know where you are from (I'm in the U.K.) we have helplines like lifeline and the Samaritans, I really do urge you to talk to someone and get help! 

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  • Posted

    I completely understand how you feel. Thats my life too. Im lost, there is nobody to give me any "cure all" and yes, I agree... people say talk about it...but it seems to make things worse. I wish I had answers for you... I REALLY do. But, the most Ive figured out, is to know that Im too damn stubborn to quit, this far in... bite the bullet and pretend to be happy. Ive noticed, if you pretend hard enough, you sometimes get a bit of REAL happieness by mistake. lol! I dont have answers, just know in your heart, that there ARE others that feel just like you. And, if we feel the same and support complete strangers in need, we arent really alone! I know it doesnt take away your sadness, but, it gives you something to think about. smile J.J.

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  • Posted

    Hi debby I totally get how you are feeling x I'm the same and fighting it with all I can muster. It's the hardest thing to do as the will to live is not there anymore, but I have to try for my daughter. wishing you all the best xxx

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  • Posted

    Hi Debby - sorry to read of your situation. Have you consulted a doctor? Been through therapy? Psychologist? The issues of the past are buried in you and festering. They need to be acknowledged, brought into the light and dealt with. Action is required and it's up to you to make the first move.

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  • Posted

    I feel like you’re talking about me. Your situation is similar to mine. I’m a single mother of a 5 year old girl. Her dad wants nothing to do with her because she wasn’t planned. I can’t overly lean on family for help because they have their own stuff to deal with plus they’re the partial cause of me being the way i am and I don’t trust them. I too was abused numerous times before I was  an adult, mental, emotional, sexual and physical abuse by different people. All of which have left a lasting impact. My dad left when I was small and set himself up with a new family and I hardly saw him. I was abused by my mother and almost felt forgotten when she had another child and my older sister went off the rails and took up her time. Other than the frequent smack or kick I didn’t have much of a life at home as a child and was always commented on for looking unhappy or miserable. I was bullied throughout secondary school for my looks, being too tall, having reddish hair, being thin etc. So I now have severe issues with my appearance. Since then I’ve had controlling boyfriends and cheating boyfriends. Friends always seem to find someone new and I stop hearing from them for no reason to my knowledge. Or I’m used for advice, help with whatever they need and then they stop bothering until the next time. Male friends use me to flirt with and when they don’t get their own wa they leave too. I feel like I drive everyone away or people are too busy or I’m not fun enough, or never free to go out and do things they want to do. I feel so alone. I have a history of trying to end my life when I was about 19, which I believe was intensified by medication so I’ve not touched medication since for that reason.

    But I have a little girl, and I’m her world. And I hate that she has such a s**t, weak and useless human being as her role model and all she has to depend on. And I refuse to kill myself and give her a crap start in life. I work but am off work with stress, I’m at college and trying to better myself and make a career for us but my mental state and lack of trust in friends or family not to leave me, hurt me or abuse me somehow almost erases all the good I try to do to pull myself up.

    I’ve been to a councillor and they assessed me and said my problems are too deep rooted and need to go to another councillor who can help get it all out and dealt with. That’s my first step to getting better. But frankly I don’t know how I can overcome this feeling of hatred I have of myself. 

    All I can say is, reading this thread helped me a little. Made me feel less alone. I had a friend who killed herself and I never forgave myself for not knowing what was going through her mind. Having a child changes everything and it feels like you’re suffocating and can’t escape your misery because you don’t want to leave them. I dont feel I can talk to anyone in my life no matter how much I love them, I can’t trust anyone to genuinely listen and keep my trust. So i came here, to tell strangers what’s in my head just to get it out.

    At the start of writing this I was hysterically crying on my bed while my daughter was happily playing outside with her friends, oblivious. Now, having written all this out and hopefully making someone else feel less alone in the world, I feel a little better and crying a lot less. It saddens me that there are others who feel the way I do and in the same situation. I know how hard it is, I just hope we can all get help and people starts being a lot nicer to others and this could be prevented. Every time I see memes on Facebook about suicide and depression, I want to share it and scream about it that that’s how I feel but I don’t dare let anyone of my friends, family or colleagues know. As a young adult years ago, I was told by two family members and friends (on different occasions) to “stop acting hard done by”.and since I was told that, I metaphorically gagged myself from ever telling anyone how I feel or desperate I am to die. Because clearly I was just a nuicence. 

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    • Posted

      Hi Butterfy, I hope since your post things have gotten better for you. Keep strong!! I have run into some pretty serious financial problems in turn leading me to a thread like this from a google search entry which I never would have in a million years thought that I would enter. My situation has thrown some pretty serious thoughts into the ole knoggen, coming across your reply to this thread has made me realize that I am weak, and need to man up for my boys. You are not weak and a great role model to your little girl. You don't let her see the hurt you are feeling and instead come to places like this to vent, even though you have all of these feelings about yourself you are Shera in her eyes and really, she is all you need, because you are all she needs right now, start building your life around her, rid yourself of who makes you feel uncomfortable and it will all fall into place for you. Things will only get better as I always tell myself, and I'm usually right. 😉 A new little getaway for me to help get my mind off of things when needed is a mobile game called draw something. I'm a crappy drawer but that just makes it more challenging for you. HANDEL Stylen30

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