I f****d up my life
Posted , 5 users are following.
I f****d up my life. I'm 19 and due to peer pressure from my girlfriend, I experimented with drugs. I tried weed once, I had my first panic attack from it, followed by a week of derealization but all was fine, I was shooked up but happy. I had the thought "what if I never recover from this state and remain dumb for the rest of my life" but then I told myself "it's just one time with weed, everyone has tried it and no one was left brain dead from it" and by day 2 or 3 I was already %90 recovered from the anxiety/derealization.
My second experiment was with amphetamines. Now this thing I didn't even want to do it. While I was high on it I STILL didn't want to do it. The night before this I even got in an argument with my girlfriend because I appearantly have said that I might do it, just so I can shut her up about it, and then I refused to snort amphetamines AND THAT'S WHY I GOT IN AN ARGUMENT WITH HER! SOME COUPLES FIGHT BECAUSE THEY DISAGREE ON WHERE TO EAT, WE FOUGHT BECAUSE I DISAGREED TO CONSUME ILLEGAL DRUGS! Anyway that went meh and experienced a big comedown the next morning and of course I was just told to "suck it up". My morale was extremely damaged from this.
The next and final nail in the coffin was when I still felt anxiety from the fact that I did what I said I would never do in my life and felt like a complete degenerate. She was like "shrooms will fix you". I was not at all scared of shrooms because I have heard so many great things about them even from the mainstream media. So long story short, I tried around a gram (which is considered a low dose), had a pleasant trip, also had a mini panic episode thinking "what if I never fall asleep" while trying to fall asleep. I woke up really brain dead but not that anxious. I just felt really tired and kinda emotionally numb. I went to do a favour that day for an ex-employer and although I did it, I was pretty much not processing at all what was happening. I went and did everything by my first instinct without the ability to actually think about what I'm doing. And it's not like I cared about it. I was really emotionally numb, but I knew that I shouldn't be, I knew what emotion I should have been feeling, but I felt nothing and that freaked me out. I knew that this was from the shrooms and it would go away in a few days... but it never did. It has been 4 & 1/2 months since then and due to the inability to cope with my life situation since then I have been even more anxious and depressed.
All these months have been a blur. I have no concept of time and can not concentrate on absolutely anything. I'm doing stupid stuff all the time. The so-called "handbag in the fridge" syndrome. After reading on forums where psychedelic users post I became even more anxious that I have permanently shifted my brain into another spectrum. Everyone was saying that psychedelics change you and there is no going back. After reading all that I was just stunned. I have lead myself to believe that I will be like this forever. But on a very deep level I still didn't want to "realize" it, I still had hope that I may be returned to normality. I guess that was when my consciousness "split" into two. The one that acts like a dumb drug addict retard and the one that has all the rationalisation. This isn't actually well said, I do not think of myself as two separate entities. It is more along the lines of "I can not believe that I have actually done that and that I'm experiencing this right now". The duality being that one part of me is on the outside, where he does things automatically, but the real me is in my head totally numbed out of any emotion except for constant anxiety and the feelings of low confidence and self-esteem and how I'm not worthy of anything good that is happening to me and around me. The few times that I feel more capable to manage my life and parts of my memory start to return my inner dialogue says something along the lines of "oooh, yeah I remember that too!" and when I realise this I just go completely anxious yet again that I'm loosing my sanity. I lost my appetite due to the overwhelming anxiety and lost around 10kg in a month. Oh yeah, not to mention that the girlfriend that I sacrificed so much for, left me a week after this and I have 2 theories: 1. She is a piece of s**t human being who doesn't want to deal with me now that I'm in a bad situation in life. 2. She realised that I'm f****d up from the shrooms and knows that I will be like this forever and that she doesn't want to suffer seeing how I'm degrading slowly in front of her eyes knowing that she caused this and can't live with the guilt. When she asked me what was wrong and why am I so anxious I told her that I don't know, because I really do not know why! I'm scared of going to a psychiatrist because when they hear that all of this is from shrooms they will immediately believe what I believe - that I'm on the verge of schizophrenia. At the same time I feel that my anxiety is from thin air and not at all based on any facts but my whole life I was lead to believe that what I feel is real and when I hear someone telling me "don't stress, it's just the anxiety" I feel even more anxious because the anxiety is in me, I am the anxiety, it is my thoughts, if I don't listen to my thoughts, then what the f**k am I supposed to listen to? That there also really contributed to this duality, that "I am not my thoughts" thus leading to me running away from them. How am I supposed to run away from my own thoughts? Everywhere that was the thing that everyone was saying to fix this but it just contributed even more to the problem and I am left banging my head on the wall wondering what the f**k am I supposed to do? I have also stopped thinking deep and trying to be smart because I am afraid that I will drive myself to ludacricy! I went to a psychologist once but I didn't mention the drug use and she just told me to wait it out. That was 3+ months ago!
Since I didn't put a list of symptoms:
-F*****G emotional numbness
-bad anxiety
-overwhelmed from the simplest things
-panic attacks (rare since I am in a constant state of panic)
-anxiety based depression
-derealization/depersonalization
-hopeless
-cynical
-aggressive
-impulsive, really have to concentrate on not doing stupid s**t
-bad memory
-no ability to concentrate
-brain fog, like my executive function is non-existent
-low blood pressure
-GI issues, mainly constipation
-every time I try to "think" my head feels dizzy and I have a feeling that I will faint. One time I even started to faint during class!
-tinnitus
-sudden big headaches
-my motor function is really rigid. I am shaking a lot of the time, I can't sit still, but I am SO INDECISIVE that my body moves "in sections" like 2 metal parts that have not been lubricated. This is also a part of the brain fog / slow thinking, because part of me moves faster than I realise it and I'm always double checking my thoughts if I want to do that movement.
-random pains through my body, mainly in my ribcage along the bottom. Literally the ribs themselves hurt a lot, not the lungs, heart, liver and etc.
-insomnia. I fall asleep easily but wake up a lot.
-hypervigilence
-hypochondria
I have a feeling that even if I get on SSRIs and they work, they will just make me happy or just a part of me, but that the thing that is wrong with me deep down is something really serious and untreated and that I will never be feeling normal again. I feel like because of my condition I can not explain what exactly I'm feeling and I will never be able to get a proper diagnosis. I can't explain exactly how I'm feeling but, I, myself, can't really describe what I'm feeling. I'm scared of going to the psychiatrist as well because it will trigger my DR/DP even more because denial of my situation plays a role in here as well. Everyone is telling me to suck it up and that I'm not that f****d and that causes me even more to not listen to my own thoughts because I feel like I need help, but at the same time I do not know if that is anxiety or the real me. I do not know what I am feeling. I want to cry, I want to escape myself, I want to escape this nightmare. I just want to wake up tomorrow and be like "oh lol, it was all a bad dream" but I'm scared of thinking this as well because I'm afraid of actually believing it and trying to kill myself so I can "wake up". I have zero confidence in myself.
After checking all of this, serotonin deficiency is exactly all of this. From top to bottom I have all the symptoms and I started 5-HTP (50mg 2 times a day with B and C vitamins) and am currently on my 4th day. I do feel a bit better now but I'm still struggling with the anxiety of "what if this isn't the right dosage and I'm just f*****g up myself". This is truly horrid, if I EVER recover I can not imagine living something else as horrible as this. I haven't slept like a normal human being for almost half a year, I grind my teeth so much, that one of my fillings broke. Holy s**t this makes me so depressed, all of this started a week before I started my first year of university and to think this magical time in my life I have been spending locked away alone frantically trying to search for a way to fix myself. Everyone has bonded with their groups, made friends, the dorm roommates have bonded as well and I have just been an alien the entire time. It was lucky enough that I have an apartment in this city where I can be alone if the dorm isn't all that well. Well I wanted to be at the dorm no matter how s**t it was, but after this started, the idea of meeting up with my roommate scares me. I don't want him to know me as this anxious mess of a human, but for my composed and emotionally stable self. My thoughts are disordered because I am too scared to focus on anything so they just roam wild like I'm dreaming. My parents are oblivious of the extent of pain that I am in and they told me to suck it up and focus on my studies for now and we will think about this later. I didn't know that a brain can be so messed up, it's beyond my imagination. I went from a straight A student that was one of the school's most social students to one of the outcasts that is barely holding on. And what is my excuse? I don't have one, I am completely responsible for all of this and only if I was smart enough would I be able to avoid this. But I'm not smart, I'm a retarded, gullible pussy and will never again listen to anyone when it concerns me directly. (it's stupid because I knew this before but had no idea that it was this important) Sadly I do not know anymore since I don't know what I'm feeling thus don't know what I want. I want this numbness to end, IT'S BEEN ALMOST 5 MONTHS DURING THE START OF MY BEST YEARS IN MY LIFE AND I AM FEELING LIKE I CAN'T EVEN PUT IT IN WORDS AND THAT SCARES THE S**T OUT OF ME!
2 likes, 10 replies
Guest
Posted
borderriever Guest
Posted
To be honest I have taken Legal Medications for thirty years, I was trained to take Opiates and how to increase and decrease the medications without getting hooked, I manage my medications and on some occasions I suffe a problem when I miss a dose, I correct it.
Personally I hate class A and for the like of me cannot understand why people have the need to take illegal medications. I would run a mile to get away from strong unscripted medications I look at drugs as a mugs distraction.
i ask a question if a girl were to tell you to jump of a bridge, would you do it. I would tell Her no, I would try and stop her not follow her.
Your problem Anxiety hopefully, make an appointment with your GP, write out a list of your concerns and explain your needs. Ask for a double appointment so you have time to discuss your concerns.
BOB
Guest borderriever
Posted
Thank you for your reply!
Just to point out, I never did these drugs more than one time. It was just a one-time experiment. I smoked weed once while I was drunk but it didn't affect me at all. The other time I was sober and this was the only time I truly wished to experiment with drugs (as much as weed is classified as a drug lol). The other time was the amphetamine and the other one the shrooms. I was kinda curious about the shrooms as I was always interested in psychedelics but I guess I tried it at the wrong time in life.
Because it is hard for me to explain, let me use the bridge metaphor that you used. Of course I wouldn't jump of the Golden Gate bridge because a girl told me to, but imagine going to a bridge blind folded and the only thing you know is that it's a bridge, you don't know how tall it is, how deep and cold the water is and how far away you are from the shore. Imagine also the same girl telling you that it's really fun and has done it a lot of times. Imagine her saying that you will love how the wind will blow in your hair and the water splashing in your face and that all you have to do is, after jumping, to swim up and to the shore and dry out and you're as good as new! Now imagine that you have heard from TV and other media and people that jumping from bridges is wrong and you shouldn't do it, but all those people haven't actually jumped. But now there is a person that has jumped before and says that it's really fun and has tried it a lot of times with no consequences. I was made to believe that the only consequence that I could have was to like it so much that I would go up again and jump again from the bridge. But it's not only that, I currently feel like I've jumped from the bridge and am still struggling to swim up to the shore. I'm flapping my arms around, grasping for air and trying to take out that blind fold so you can get some sense where is up and where is the shore only to realise that it is night time as well. Also I thought that I knew how to swim, because I've done it before, only to realise that I'm not that good of a swimmer as I thought. Now almost 5 months later I am still in the water and it's freezing, I still can't see where the shore is and I'm still grasping for air and having no rest from flapping my limbs around, trying to keep my head above the water. At least that is how I feel, I might have came to the shore but stepped into a sea-side pool but am not realising it since it's dark.
About your last line, what do you mean that it is "anxiety hopefully", like you hope it's that and not something more serious?
borderriever Guest
Posted
We all try different things in life, we learn from experience. Try not being to hard on yourself life is one big learning game, we all enjoy at different levels.
Talk to your GP if you are concerned and explain how you feel. You need to be happy on your own skin
BOB
Guest borderriever
Posted
tyler04178 Guest
Posted
The pots weed can stay trapped in your system for years. You're on a permanent high from the weeds. It will probably last 20 Years. Never ever try weeds again. This pots weed is a highly dangerous and addictive drug and if consumed very well can ruin your life. PLEASE I don't want to hear you are in the middle of nowhere and the other side is that a good night.
Guest tyler04178
Posted
I don't think that's how it works dude :D. The metabolites may be in your system but they do nothing because they are METABOLIZED. As I said in the post, I was a bit shaken up from the weed but in 2-3 days I was all well and for the rest of the week I was like before. It's not the weed, I just messed a lot of my delicate neurotransmitter balance and was really moody when I wrote this post yesterday. I really need to go to a psychiatrist and see what he can do, probably would have to start some SSRIs for a few months. But for now I'm sticking with the 5-HTP.
Guest Guest
Posted
I think you've got bad anxiety and every thing that comes with it thoughts etc... I have bad anxiety I get thoughts then because I've got hypocondria I get anxious about the over thinking and thoughts the only thing I find helps with thoughts and over thinking is meditation head phones in and relax or try to deep breathing....I'm not into all that but it works....aches and pains I get... diazepam works for physical sensations headaches painkiller...gym 4times a week been help I'm 70% back to my happy self...it's took nearly a year..I went CBT it was good as long as you do your homework...I went on a anti depressent no good made me more health conscious...I thought I was going blind I thought I had brain tumour I thought I had ms I thought I had IBS...list goes on terrifying...that's calmed down now though...
Guest Guest
Posted
Since most anxieties have a trigger, I do not know what your's was, but mine being drug-induced I really hope to not be like this forever. I remember the first week of this I was pacing back and forth around the apartment, from one room to another just to keep moving and I was grabbing my head wondering what the f**k did I do!? I didn't have anything exactly to be worried about, I was just amazingly anxious about nothing, just staying there by myself I was incredibly anxious. The only time that I had the ability to sit still and sorta chill (my legs didn't stop moving) was when I was reading a little book about panic attacks that my girlfriend gave me at the time, but it just said to focus and change yourself. But I didn't want to change myself, I wanted to be myself but not freak out about every single little thing. The things that I have done before and have planned before scared the s**t out of me and I didn't want to succumb to the anxiety and change myself to a lower pussy version of me that in order to be calm won't do anything that he wants. I saw that as giving up, because it was for a different type of panic. It was when you took a bite too big for you and and need to realise why you did that so you can stop it, but I didn't do that. I didn't take a bite that was so big, I was well aware of my capabilities but what really and I mean REALLY freaked me out was that the bites that I had taken before now seemed too big for me; like my mouth had been shrinked. I didn't want to learn to take small bites, I wanted my normal mouth. I guess you can say that what life seemed capable for me and my situation and choices suddenly felt overwhelming and like I can't handle any of it. It was devastating, but now I realised that it's all anxiety, just that it was brought from the way I lowered my serotonin, not that I was legitimately overwhelmed from my actual life. Serotonin deficiency has all my symptoms. From the way that the blood vessels dilute causing headaches and fainting, to the cognitive impairment and the anxiety based depression, emotional numbness w/ mood swings and impulsivity and the tinnitus, it's all on there. I really hope this 5-HTP to be my life boat!
Thank you for the reply even if I regain my normal self I will definitely start looking after myself and start hitting the gym! Get better soon!
Guest Guest
Posted
Oh yeah and I forgot to add, I can't really meditate because I still freak out for no apparent reason. I don't have anything to meditate on, because I'm not scared for a particular reason, just being in my own skin is uncomfortable. It kinda sucks because I could do it before without a problem and it really helped but I guess there's more to it now.