I f****** hate christmas

Oh I am so sorry for the pain and anguish you are going through I thought I had it hard you must be so alone and heart broken it makes my loss so insignificant. I've given up on medication just stopping mirtazepan and I only have left my sister and son. I don;t want to socialise with anyone so this lunch out was a big effort for me I hated it but put on a brave face. Now i'm home the aloneness and hatred keeps coming back. I'm sorry I do not really have any beliefs so i do not have that to fall back on.I am trying so hard not to self harm but it is somtehing that helps to deal with the hatred I fee lagainst myself. Good luck to you too XX

Tina, your loss is definitely not insignificant!  That was not my intention in sharing with you the losses I've had.  You are going through a very difficult period right now, and you understandably feel lonely and upset.  I wish that you would reach out to someone Tina, your sister maybe?  Know how hard that it is to do when your'e feel the way you are but please just try and talk to someone.  Makes me so sad to read that you have hatred against yourself.  Hope you don't mind me saying this, you are one of God's children and He loves you unconditionally.  Please reach out to someone.  Believe this or not, the pain and anguish that you feel today will lessen a little tomorrow and the day after that.  It will never go away completely but with time it will ease.  Take care and my thoughts are with you. x

Tina, you've had a really bad couple of years, haven't you? No wonder you're depressed.

Christmas can be a terrible time, especially for anyone with mental illness. But don't forget, a lot of supposedly "normal" people find it tough too. You're really not alone in feeling this way.

I just don't get Christmas at all. OK, it has religious significance for some people, and others just enjoy having a good time. But I've never understood why the f*** people feel they have to impose it on themselves. The number of times I hear friends my age (70s) say they hate Christmas, but feel they have to go through it for the sake of their adult children. Then the children tell me they hate it too but have to do it for their parents!

I don't suffer from mental illness though I went through a bad patch of depression throughout my 20s and was diagnosed as probably having Asperger's in my mid-40s, when it was too late to do anything about it. It was hard to tell whether I was really on the autistic spectrum or not, as I'd spent half a life-time pretending to be like everyone else, with varying degrees of success. I never managed to sustain a long-term relationship and didn't have kids, so I've lived alone most of my life.

Christmas was murder in our house when I was growing up. Almost literally some years. My father suffered from some unspecified mental illness - probably borderline personality disorder in the days before these things got diagnosed. He was incredibly hardworking and capable of great kindness to strangers, but he was always on a hair trigger, especially around women. I was an only child and my mother and I never knew when he'd give way to a violent outburst of anger. Except at Christmas. No doubt at all there - we knew he'd explode over Christmas lunch. Food up the wall, everything smashed, presents on the fire, the turkey trodden into the mud in the back yard, and some years the neighbours had to call the police.

By the time I got into my early teens, I started asking the obvious question: why did we have to celebrate Christmas? My mum was from a lapsed Jewish family and my dad was a rabid atheist. (Another problem at Christmas: he tolerated carols but would want to smash the TV if a religious service came on.) I got soundly beaten up by both parents every year for asking that one - till I escaped aged 20 to train as a nurse.

For the next 10 years I pretended I was on duty every Christmas day. Some years I actually was. I also learned not to go home in December or January, or my parents would hold "Christmas" on another day.

I gave up nursing after 10 years, but got round the Christmas problem by moving abroad. However, I discovered my father was beating my mother up every year, saying it was her fault I wasn't going home, so I started going back one Christmas in four or five. But it was always the same, even when I was 40. A couple of times over the next 20 years I went to friends' family Christmases. And do you know what? They were almost as bad as mine! And of course, it was usually my silent, resentful presence that triggered the upsets.

My father died in his late 60s, so after that I had to spend every Christmas with my mother, either at her place or mine. It was complete misery - she would cry all day, saying it wasn't like it was when I was little. I struggled to cope with that one. Every Christmas when I was little, she and I either ended up taking refuge in a neighbour's house or at the hospital being treated for our injuries.

She died nine years ago, after 10 difficult years of dementia. After that I vowed I'd spend all my Christmases the way I want to spend them. Alone! I cook myself a nice meal of my choosing, and treat myself to half a bottle of decent champagne and most of a bottle of red wine. Unfortunately, I have to lie to all my friends, tell them I'm going away somewhere, unplug the phone and not answer the doorbell, otherwise they'd be trying to drag me out of the house to join their bloody "festivities".

The last couple of years I've been looking after a friend not much older than myself who was suffering from dementia, so this meant I had to spend Christmas Days with her. Last year was particularly tough, as she'd become psychotic and was locked up in a grim psycho-geriatric unit. She died in October, so she's safely out of it all now. I'll mourn her on Christmas Day and I'll think fondly of my mother. But I'll send up a prayer of thanks that I don't have to go through the charade of the family Christmas!

Tina, don't worry about how other people tell you you're supposed to spend Christmas. Do what you want to. If you want to stay in bed all day that's fine. Have a few drinks if that will help you through the day, but stay safe. Listen to music, watch your favourite videos - TV is usually c*** anyway - or whatever calms you down. Then go back to your efforts to recover in the New Year.

You can post or message me on Christmas Day if you want. Obviously I'll be home...

Just wondering how old Tina's son is?  Can relate to a lot of what you said regarding the urge for most people to celebrate Christmas.  Never understood it either, the part where for most days of the year people that would normally treat each poorly somehow decide that on Dec. 25th a button is switched on and all of a sudden we are all going to be loving and kind to one another.  It just doesn't happen unfortunately.  My partner that died suddenly in his sleep died on Dec. 21st.  Never understood why people said it was always worse to lose a loved one around Christmas time.  Wow, did I ever understand it that year.  Everyone is so happy, or trying to be, going around saying Merry Christmas, or Happy Christmas or whatever.  I was spending that Christmas with my youngest daughter and my Grandson, my daughter decided in her wisdom (not) that we would all just carry on as normal and not mention the fact that Doug had just died a few days previous!

I was to tell everyone that he was working, which I did.  It was the hardest Christmas I ever went through.  This is the first year that I have been able to put up a tree and a few decorations around the house, before now it was just too sad for me to bother with.  I tend to agree with you suggesting to Tina that she should celebrate however she wants to, whatever that might look like to her; except for her son.  That's why I asked how old her son is?  (thinking you won't know, not asking you exactly).  Being parents at times, like Christmas, we do need to "put on a happy face", put one foot in front of the other and do whatever it is that is required of us to try and make our children happy.  Even if they are grown.  As far as drinking (re Tina again), I'm certainly not against having a couple of glasses of wine or whatever on Christmas day, but as you know alcohol is a depressant and can make depression much, much worse.  So yes, in moderation, one or two glasses maybe of wine or whatever.  Tina, if you read this I'm going to ask you again, please reach out and talk to someone, your sister, a friend, your doctor - someone.

Take care. 

Thank you all so much for your thoughts I feel so humble for all the heartache and upset others have gone through. Oh Lily and Teri I so feel for you I just wish oh wish that i could just make a small difference to peoples lives.  Christmas is so over rated I agree. As you say people seem to make an effort for everyone else who make the effort too and noone seems to talk about how they do not necessarily want to go through all the celebrations. It is something that everyone expects. My sister has decided she wants to spend the holidays with me and will be travelling from one end of the country to mine. I tried putting her off but she is coming. I have already told her not to expect a "proper" christmas dinner etc I have already got in chocolate wine and a few savory bits and pieces but that's it. (i've still got stuff in my freezer that was bought last year and not cooked or eaten). She said she doesn't mind just wanted to be with me as it is her and me left plus my son by the way is just over 30. He is hopefully spending time wiht his two children and his wife who separated earlier this year. I also know alcohol is not good but it stops me from going out to the places I have where I have planned to die as I won't drink and drive I live out in the country. My CPN and psychiatrist know this too also I do not want my son to find me at home so I won't do anything there but it is so tempting.

And yes I do hate myself so much that hurting and maiming myself makes things better. 

i will try to talk to someone when I'm ready.......

 

Sorry to hear that your sister is going to impose on you anyway. Still, I expect her intentions are good. Just ride it out, but only do what you want to. Don't let your sister or anyone else railroad you into doing anything you'd hate. Sometimes we have to have the courage of our convictions, stand up and be who we want to be.

Thanks Lily I've just spent the last hour on the phone with my sister. She is going to e mail me what sort of food she would like, nothing that needs too much cooking, she is quite happy with that I said we can always go out or get a takeaway. She is quite happy sitting around in pj's if we want all day and wathc Tv or films hopefully the weather will allow us to go out walking.

i'm sure I'll be fine once she is here I just can't really be arsed anymore. Did go out for a walk last night in the snow it was so quiet and peaceful so tempting just to sit down and wait for the end as it was really cold but I felt comforted, the snow seems to silence everything,  I was bloody cold by the time I got back in though. The benefits living in Scotland. 

Hope you have a good Christmas, whatever that ends up looking like for you and your sister.  Take care.

Getting a takeaway at Christmas sounds like a good idea to me! I'm glad to hear your sister isn't going to impose anything on you.

I'm actually fine with the run-up to Christmas. Should have been at a lunch party today but went down with gastric flu or something, so was actually quite disappointed. Had to spend most of the day in bed as I felt so rotten physically. I'm invited to another small gathering tomorrow evening, so hope to feel better by then. I like looking at the Christmas lights too. I was in London last week and spent a couple of hours in the early evening one day just wandering around looking at all the decorations. I'm easily pleased by like anything like that! I'm on the top floor with a 270° view over the small city where I live, so I can watch the coloured seasonal LED displays on all the big buildings and the frequent firework displays they go in for here.

All that's lovely. It's just The Big Day that gets me down - but only if I'm forced to spend it with others. I'd love to be able to go out for a walk in the snow on the day but we rarely get any here, and when we do it turns into evil black sludge within a few hours!