i feel alone and need to escape my life before i kill myself.
Posted , 5 users are following.
hi guys. this is my first post. basically i'm a 31year old guy still living at home and unemployed and it feels like my life is spinning out of control and i'm getting depressed about it, depressed enough that while i'm writing this, i'm crying. I'm currently having suicidal thoughts. I have in the past but thankfully I can normally get myself out of that frame of mind (and i've only had suicidal thoughts once in my life and that was about 7 years ago) but lately I can't.
For the past year i just want to escape my life. I've wanted to travel the world for the past 10+ years and thinking of travelling is the only thing that is making me smile. i will list a few reasons why i'm feeling depressed.
(1) i weigh 30 stone. (I've lost 4 stone in the past year due to a diet. i'm struggling but i'm trying)
(2) I have had severe back pain for the past 2 years as a result of my weight and i'm in pain all the time but all the doctor states is the pain will go when i get to a certain weight.
(3) i'm unemployed and receive Universal Credit, i have fit notes but they are now saying i have to go in every 2 weeks & i can't go on public transport with my back, i have no one to take me so i have to go by taxi which is now costing me £30 every 2 weeks. I still live with my mum but still pay bills and after that it leaves me with no money.
(4) about a month ago, my mum had a stroke and fell and broke her arm, i'm now spending time looking after her. Thankfully she has gotten better from the stroke. I'm just helping her due to her arm which will take up to a year to heal.
(5) i'm still a virgin and it's really bringing me down. i don't have any physical contact with anyone and the fact that i'm gay just maked it harder but tbh i can't have a relationship with someone when i hate myself.
all these things added together is just bringing me down. I know people have it worse than me but it's just bringing me down. i'm not at the point where i'm going to do something bad to myself (mainly because i'm too scared of the pain) but it feels like with each passing day that the feeling is getting stronger.
i haven't spoken to anyone about it, male pride and all that but actually even just typing this has helped me. I have a mum who i don't want to bother and she would have no idea what to do/say. I have 2 older sisters (i did have 3 but one was killed) but they hate me because i'm fat and still living at home and not working etc.
I want to just leave my life, pack a bag and travel and start a travel blog and live my dream (which is funny as I've never left the UK and i haven't been on holiday since I was 14) it's the only thing that puts a smile on my face but it's just not possible. i weigh too much, i don't have any money and i have back pain so there's no chance of this happening, right now at least. at least i need to just get away. stay in a hotel by the beach for a couple of weeks to get myself together again but once again, no money and my back pain is stopping me from this plus i wouldn't want to leave my mum alone while she's still got a bad arm.
I know my life can get better and I want it to so much but i'm starting to think that there is no way out anymore and that my life is never going to change and it's going to end up like this.
so i'm wondering if anyone else has/is going through anything like this and if anyone has any advice?
I apologize for the long thread, it's just that once i start i just can't stop
1 like, 3 replies
Patient karljcompton
Posted
Hi karljcompton,
We note from a recent post which you have made to our forum that you may be experiencing thoughts around self-harm. If we have misinterpreted your comments then we apologies for contacting you directly. But if you are having such thoughts then please note that you are not alone in this, and there are people out there that can help.
If you are having these suicidal thoughts then we strongly recommend you speak to someone who may be able to help. The Samaritans offer a safe space where you can talk openly about what you are going through. They can help you explore your options, understand your problems better, or just be there to listen.
Their contact details are on our patient information leaflet here: https://patient.info/health/dealing-with-suicidal-thoughts, which also offers lots of other advice on how you can access the help you may need.
If you are having such thoughts then please do reach out to the team at the Samaritans (or the other people detailed in our leaflet) who will understand what you're going through and will be able to help.
Kindest regards
Patient
hikiaru karljcompton
Posted
Hey..
I know that when we´re in that state of mind, things may seem hopeless, perhaps especially if they continue to be so for long. I don´t want to come to you and just make you feel like you haven´t thought of this or that it´s going to happen overnight. But let´s try not focusing on that now... In a way there is a solution to your problems.. But I´m sure that if it were that easy, you would have probably already done it. So you will probably need help and support in pursuing it. I don´t know about your education level or interests, but you mention that you think you really think traveling is the only thing that may bring you joy right now. What I thought about is that you could try getting a job for now, anything that has to do with moving around a lot. So you could start losing weight more effortlessly.. If it doesn´t happen, then trying to find a hobby or something where you can move a lot on a regular basis but when you must do it. That step is important. When you finally lose enough weight your back will probably not hurt as much, right? After that you will feel as a whole better about yourself because you will see you can achieve things..And you can. With the right mindset and support. Maybe you would also need a therapist and maybe even medication. I don´t know but you sound depressed.. There must be a way out of this. Maybe it won´t turn out exactly as you want it, but it may just be a bit better. After that you could maybe look into jobs that include travelling. And of course, a huuge part of the support will be of friends and family members. So you definitely need some supportive people around you, on a regular basis. They will help you so you don´t fall off the track. I wish all this could be just done, but I know it´s most probably not as easy and linear as I´ve described. Maybe you have some other ideas? The most important thing is to have vision and then act. Have small achievements that move you forward. Do small, doable for you steps. It´s just great that you´re reaching out 😃
yasmine333 karljcompton
Posted
Hi Karl
Sorry to hear everything you're going through.
Firstly I sympathise as I'm in a similar situation. I'm 26 & still live at home, my depression & anxiety make it so hard to hold down a job so I'm constantly miserable forcing myself to stick at these horrendous jobs just so I can scrape some money together even though it makes no difference as I'm already in debt that I simply cannot pay off. UC is nowhere near enough to live off & they make it impossible to claim without throwing things at you to put you off. It makes me sick. You shouldn't feel bad about living at home, you're going through a tough time & there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. Society puts so much pressure on where you should be & what you should be doing by a certain age but it's all bullshxt! No-one should dictate how you live you life, everyone is different & has their own obstacles.
I also understand your weight issues as I struggle myself. I was over 19st in Feb & now I'm just over 14st & I haven't stepped foot in a gym, I just eat less! I've still got 3st to lose but I'm not allowing it to take over my life & you shouldn't either. You've done AMAZINGLY well to have lost 4 stone! That's incredible. It's an on going battle but go at your own pace, don't put too much pressure on yourself, if you have a bad day just start again the next day.
Hopefully your back pain will improve with the more weight you lose. Are you currently taking any pain relief for it? Have the doctors said exactly what the problem is?
You're juggling alot right now so no surprise that you're feeling how you are. It's a shame you don't have the family support you should. Is there anyone else you feel you could confide in? other family members or friends? I get how hard it is to vocalise your thoughts & feelings but you've done brilliantly by coming on here & asking for help. That's the hardest thing to do so you should be proud of yourself for taking this step. Bottling things up is what lead to my first breakdown, I wish I just told someone how I was feeling & maybe I wouldn't have made myself so ill. I think speaking with a doctor will help, be completely honest & that way you can start getting the support you need.
Your goals are not impossible! Once you lose the weight you need to your back should improve, you can get part time work so you can still look after your mum but you also need to live your own life, she has 2 daughters that can help, it shouldn't all be down to you. Temp work is a good option, once you save enough you can go away for while, come back work, save then go again! Even if you can't afford to travel the world in luxary you can still take weekend breaks away & get all inclusive holidays in Europe for cheap. It's all doable just step by step. You never know who you might meet along the way, things can change drastically in just 1 moment so please don't give up. I know people say you can't expect people to love you if you don't love yourself but I disagree, I think sometimes it takes that one person to SHOW you that you ARE worth loving.
I really hope you can see how well you're doing already. I know how depression can only make you see the worst in yourself & your situation but keep reminding yourself you're doing everything you can you're making progress & things are changing so keep doing what you're doing, it will be worth it.
Feel free to message me anytime if you need a chat.
x