I feel depressed. And especially around my partner.

Hello. Recently I've been feeling very strange. I feel like I hate or feel disgusted about myself and not feeling my true self, my motivation is low, and I'm feeling scared of this world, and sometimes feeling unreal. I have a long history of trauma, starting in my childhood with my narcissistic father which lead to a low self esteem and the inability to deal with the life on my own( like independent). Most of the time he criticised me and told me I'm doing so many wrong things. Now I started to be aware of my qualities and always craved being loved and cherished by someone, and still do. I got a partner who now is my husband, but I'm not feeling happy with him, even though I love him. I also got pregnant shortly after we started the relationship. The day I gave birth, I went through a horrible experience as I was kicked out of the hospital while in labor, due to my anxiety issues. It was a private hospital and in the last moment they told me their policy of not accepting and taking the responsibility for someone who have a mental issue, so I had to search for another hospital. It was a shock, and I still feel like cry every time I remember. Since we got together, my partner lied to me, and he kept going with this for 2 years, until he told me that it wasn't true. He made up a story about his previous romantic /sexual experiences, and told me details which made me very jealous. Especially after I gave birth and I needed the most gentle support, he was very harsh on me. Recently, he confessed that nothing was true, and he was ashamed of being inexperienced at 30 years old. Now I'm very confused and I cannot trust him, I don't even know which is the truth after all, and I'm obsessively thinking about it and it drains my energy and motivation, so it just drives me crazy. I can't stop thinking that he may have had a past but now decided to tell me it was a lie just to calm down my jealousy. I'm feeling strange to be around him most of the time, because I don't know who I am with anymore. It hurts, he went with this lie for too long and it would have been so much better to not do it in the first place but at least he should stop in the moment things became very serious between us, like when I got pregnant or we got married. He also yelled at me many times to the point that I got so scared and literally couldn't hold the pee. I'm sure I have my anxiety issues because of these experiences plus many others, and I wasn't born sick but my partner calls me sick. I have the difficulty to organize stuff in the house, because I can't deal very well with the change, and yesterday he yelled at me that I'm sick and I said "I'm not, I thought you know, and understand me" and he started throwing the stuff, which I'm anxious to move, despite my anxiety was triggered to the maximum, that I felt my legs weak and telling him to stop was useless, and then he said "why it's problem, you are not sick right?". Sometimes I feel he even enjoys seeing me in pain. But he also have the moments when really proves the love for me, he buy me presents and show his care, that are the things that I love about him the most, but the lack of consistency and his out of control behavior when he's mad, it's all it needs to make me feel more and more anxious and depressed. I'm wondering if I'm falling out of love. I'm also a person with a high sex drive and I would do it very often but lately I'm just not so interested anymore. When I think about doing it with him, I feel so strange. It is difficult to have this level of intimacy with someone who wounds my heart again and again, and I'm not feeling desired by him, and this plus the change after the pregnancy, made me be disgusted of my body too. I imagine a lot a life full of love, with someone who feels pleasure to love and support me, someone who appreciate me and feels lucky to be together. I don't know if this is just a illusion and maybe I'm seeking perfection, but it melts my heart just when I imagine and I'm saying to myself that I deserve this type of love. I'm also an hypersensitive person and love is the base for function well in this life.

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