I feel i maybe over - sentimental. ....

Posted , 3 users are following.

Hello to all...im a happliy married man of 50. I feel down when i think about my past....people ive lost...happier times that now can't be repeated with the ones ive lost in the past. Also. Past female school friends have reconnected via FB. One was very fond of me in school. She has been happily married now for almost 30 years. And while im happy.....i can't stop thinking about her...even though i know her and i have absolutely nothing in common. And she even shares some personality traits that my first wife had. My thoughts about her are fantasies...but NOTHING of an intimate nature. Why do i have these thoughts???? It gets me down, but at times...i can rise above it and move on. But only briefly. NO....i am not in regular contact with her. Thanks.

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10 Replies

  • Posted

    Hi Andrew,

    You say your fantasies aren't intimate. So what are they?

    Fantasies of a different life? A different woman?

    I know you say you're happily married, is that really how you feel?

    Maybe there's an other element of your life you aren't happy or satisfied with?

    I think only you will know that, and I hope you can figure it out.

    By the way do you have any mental health diagnosis of any kind?

    xx

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    • Posted

      Thanks for your reply. No...no diagnosis. These "fantasies " don't only apply to the school friend mentioned....but any woman that seems to show an interest. I was so so shy in my youth. I had no problem with rejection because. ..well...i never had the courage to talk ..let alone ask a female out...to dance..whatever. I used to....and still do consider myself just Joe plain. Never thought of myself as anyone special...and still have that same opinion, despite my wife telling me constantly that im handsome and gorgeous. ( she is the one who matters afterall ) but...i guess...i feel like i want to be desired.....and i am by my wife. We enjoy a loving and intimate relationship, so nothing lacking there. And, she keeps herself looking fantastic. ..someone who im proud to have hanging off my arm. Which makes my feelings all the more confusing. I thought about consulting a professional, but thought id start here. Cheers.
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    • Posted

      Hi Andrew,

      Well I think it's great and lovely that you seem so commited to your wife.

      Fantasies that you know aren't going to go anywhere are pretty normal, it's when you feel like you want/have to act on them that problems arise.

      In any long term relationship I think your mind can wander a bit, it doesn't mean you love your partner or desire them any less.

      What I'm wondering is why you think what's going on is an issue for you. Do you feel uncertain about anything else in your life?

      Is there any way you could talk your feelings through with your wife or other family or friends?

      I hope you get the help and advice you need xx

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    • Posted

      ...i feel i have plenty of "issues" regarding myself....i feel ive let my kids down. I feel ive put them a distant second. They aren't juveniles..they are 22 and 18 years. They no longer live at home....I mean...i could go on. My ex wife succumbed to cancer 2 years after we divorced. She deserved happiness with someone else if it wasn't going to be me. We both married for the wrong reasons, our relationship was tumultuous over a period of 15 or more years. I get in these moods where ....i have accomplished nothing significant in my life ( im ok with that ) its just...why am i allowed such rewards and love....when others are the subject of tragedy and devistation? That at times gets me down. But i always seem to bounce back. Thanks for your correspondence. ūüėä
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  • Posted

    Hi Andrew

    I think it's perfectly natural and normal to visit and revisit memory lane. At our age we also consider the 'what ifs'.

    The fact that your school friend is happily married as are you, doesn't mean you can't think of her or other friends fondly.

    All our acquaintances whether their friends, lovers etc. All have contributed to our lives and time spent with them are stored in our memories . I am 55 now, and find myself frequently visiting memory lane. I got a gut feeling it's an age thing! Don't let your thoughts get you down, they are only thoughts..We are allowed to have them! You are not hurting anyone and I wouldn't attach any guilt to thoughts or fantasies

    god bless ‚ô•‚ô•

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    • Posted

      Hello....i am forever trying to put my finger on it.....but of late...i feel an almost desperate need to find out why i think like i do....not knowing why.....THAT gets me down. Many thanks.
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  • Posted

    Hi I think this is a normal part of aging.  We all start looking back and regretting or reminise about times past.   Or missed opportunities or whatever. 

    If you are not with your first wife any longer why would a woman who shares some similiar personality traits with her attract you?   Thinking about the past is fine but it's better to try and look forward to the future.  You still have a lot of future ahead of you so concentrate on that.  You don't want to lose the present by living in the past do you?   x

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    • Posted

      Hello....i agree 100% with your comment. Yes...why? But, i have been like this for as long as i can remember....even far earlier than married life. The fact that we are both happy, she makes the odd flirtatious comment...but nothing more....nothing suggestive. I feel she is the wrong fit for me...if i were a single man. But its not just about her don't forget. I try and say to myself..."snap out of it...and move on"....but whenever i hear my phones messenger "ping" go off....( which is NOT often )i get excited and like to think its her.....i don't get it...many thanks for your help and reply.
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    • Posted

      Oh dear Andrew it sounds like you are going through a mid life crisis!   I don't get where on the one hand you say you are happily married,  then on the other you say she is the wrong fit for you?  How can she be if you are both so happy?  

      The grass is always greener I guess but I think it's best to concentrate on your own marriage.  Can you bring some excitement back into it?   Isn't this the way to go rather than fantasise - and it is just a fantasy about a women you liked years ago.   My advice for what it is worth is to cut off all contact with this woman as keeping in contact is only encouraging you to fantasise about her    She will be less in your thoughts if you do.  x

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    • Posted

      No..no....the female school friend i feel is the wrong fit. And thats why i can't undestand why i feel so. I have some insecurities as you may understand. Mid life crisis??? I don't understand as to how...my wife and i don't have debt...we both have everything we want. We are saving for an overseas trip..blah blah...you see my delemma? I want to find out why...i..a man who has it all has these insecurities....you have been fantastic...all of those who have replied with advise.....i may have to sit down with someone ( professional ).
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