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I haven’t used a forum before for this and I’m not even quite sure what I want to say. I kind of just want to get my thoughts written down for once because I feel like it’s all just weighing down on me too much and I don’t know what to do with myself. I can’t tell anyone I know because they’ll think I’m over reacting or being too dramatic and I don’t want to put my problems on to them.
It all kind of kicked in when I was 11 and started high school, my auntie died soon after I started and my mum was depressed for a really long time and she confessed to me that she tried to kill herself. I always feel so guilty and so selfish that I didn’t do anything to help her but I didn’t know what to do and I was so scared. I didn’t really have any friends and I started to get bullied a lot, I didn’t really make a fuss about it to anyone but I cried a lot and thought about killing myself and attempted it once but I feel like I was just being a hormonal teenager. After I Ieft high school and went to college things started to pick up, I still had pretty low self-esteem but nothing compared to high school.
Things went a bit downhill again when I started University, at the beginning I felt great and I made good friends with this girl I live with. But then I started drinking and going out a lot and I began to feel down again which I just put down to home sickness. Not soon after I started I lost my virginity to someone who didn’t really care for me because I figured that no-one else has ever wanted me and this would be my only chance to do it. A while after that I started smoking a lot of drugs because it makes me feel happier for a while but I just end up crying every night and I few months ago I started to make myself sick after I had eaten.
I’ve been doing all this with the girl I met at University. She told me she has depression and that recently I’m the only thing that keeps her happy at the moment. It’s just too much. I have to pretend to be happy whenever I’m around people but when I’m alone I just cry and then put on a brave face the next day. We both confided in another friend that we were making ourselves sick but my problem just got brushed aside because I’m always “happy” and now everyone just has this repetitive conversation about how my best friend needs to get help. This conversation has been repeated so many times and it makes me so angry because I love her so much but I just don’t care and I feel so guilty that I don’t.
Right now I’m just at the stage where I just feel so lonely, I sleep a lot, cry a lot, think about suicide sometimes but to the point where I’m almost an expert at hiding my problems.
I’m not going to go the doctors or going to speak to anyone I know because I just wanted to get this off my chest. I know I’m not an exceptional case and people feel this way all the time so I’m not going to annoy people with my problems because they’re pretty insignificant in the bigger picture of things and I don’t think I have depression, I just wanted someone to tell.
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