I feel ignored and I can't stop crying

Posted , 5 users are following.

I haven’t used a forum before for this and I’m not even quite sure what I want to say. I kind of just want to get my thoughts written down for once because I feel like it’s all just weighing down on me too much and I don’t know what to do with myself. I can’t tell anyone I know because they’ll think I’m over reacting or being too dramatic and I don’t want to put my problems on to them.

It all kind of kicked in when I was 11 and started high school, my auntie died soon after I started and my mum was depressed for a really long time and she confessed to me that she tried to kill herself. I always feel so guilty and so selfish that I didn’t do anything to help her but I didn’t know what to do and I was so scared. I didn’t really have any friends and I started to get bullied a lot, I didn’t really make a fuss about it to anyone but I cried a lot and thought about killing myself and attempted it once but I feel like I was just being a hormonal teenager. After I Ieft high school and went to college things started to pick up, I still had pretty low self-esteem but nothing compared to high school.

Things went a bit downhill again when I started University, at the beginning I felt great and I made good friends with this girl I live with. But then I started drinking and going out a lot and I began to feel down again which I just put down to home sickness. Not soon after I started I lost my virginity to someone who didn’t really care for me because I figured that no-one else has ever wanted me and this would be my only chance to do it. A while after that I started smoking a lot of drugs because it makes me feel happier for a while but I just end up crying every night and I few months ago I started to make myself sick after I had eaten.

I’ve been doing all this with the girl I met at University. She told me she has depression and that recently I’m the only thing that keeps her happy at the moment. It’s just too much. I have to pretend to be happy whenever I’m around people but when I’m alone I just cry and then put on a brave face the next day. We both confided in another friend that we were making ourselves sick but my problem just got brushed aside because I’m always “happy” and now everyone just has this repetitive conversation about how my best friend needs to get help. This conversation has been repeated so many times and it makes me so angry because I love her so much but I just don’t care and I feel so guilty that I don’t.

Right now I’m just at the stage where I just feel so lonely, I sleep a lot, cry a lot, think about suicide sometimes but to the point where I’m almost an expert at hiding my problems.

I’m not going to go the doctors or going to speak to anyone I know because I just wanted to get this off my chest. I know I’m not an exceptional case and people feel this way all the time so I’m not going to annoy people with my problems because they’re pretty insignificant in the bigger picture of things and I don’t think I have depression, I just wanted someone to tell.

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5 Replies

  • Posted

    Your problems aren't insignificant at all. You are depressed from what i have read. You have all the signs of depression. Low mood, not eating, over sleeping, crying. Its good to get things off your chest but it won't take all the bad away. Take it from someone who knows. The longer you leave things, the worse they're likely to get. I took depression in my teens as hormonal and left it at that. Because of this i made alot of mistakes in my life i wish i could take back.

    Atleast discuss it with a doctor, see they're view of it and get a diagnosis. They will do an assessment right there and it only takes 2 minutes.

    But It won't help to keep everything to yourself. Tell the people you trust how you feel. Tell family if you can. We all need someone to talk to sometimes. Someone who will listen.

    I hope you see a doctor at the very least. They will also listen. And remember, regardless of whats going on with you, your friends or other people. Your problems aren't insignificant. Not by a long shot.

    Take care.smile

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  • Posted

    hi, i know exactly where your coming from, i was bullied at school, was allways envious of the "popular" girls, things have been up and down ever since, im now a lot older and having a bad time like yourself, i think it may be a good idea to go and speak to the doctor, i did, im on anti depressants, and waiting for counciling cbt, the bad days out number the good ones, once you have mad the first step in going to see your g.p then you may feel a bit better knowing you have shared your problems, i think its so important to share your probllems becouse ti will eat away at you, you need the right treatment for your illness, your not alone, i too are feeling the same , and i bet a lot of other people are too, you take car and seek medical advice and good luck.
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  • Posted

    It's time to get help. You really don't have to feel this low - honestly smile

    Go to your Dr's & what about dabbling with a little bit of online CBT?

    It's so sad that you feel you have to pretend to be 'Ms Happy' you know even genuinely happy people are not happy all the time! Be honest with yourself and your friends, tell them exactly how you feel. But most importantly, go and speak with your doctor.

    I wish you the very best of luck. x

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  • Posted

    Don't worry. Things will get better - you just have to know it. Try to not think of anything that will trigger you to cry. You are definitely depressed, but you can actually recover from it if you try hard and believe that you can. If you have time, try reading the book: The Power of Now. It is a strange book, but definitely a life changer.
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    • Posted

      Wow. I'm sure you meant well with this comment, but i would like to point all the ways that this makes me roll my eyes and cringe as a potentially depressed person who struggle with anxiety and bouts of crying.

      1. "Don't worry"... ok.... your unreassuring command doesn't help anything. If one could just flip a switch and "not worry", there would be an issue, now would there?

      2. "Things will get better if you believe" while I do believe a positive mindset is important, I believe it's obvious that if I could bring myself to that point I would have, it's not as if one tries to see the world as a pointless void filled with temporary joy.

      3. "Try not to think of anything that will make you cry" GEE WHAT A FANTASTIC IDEA, LET ME JUST SWITCH OFF MY EMOTIONS. It doesn't f ing work like that. While it is good to avoid being stuck on negative things, it's not like crying is avoidable. It's built up emotion that's gonna come up one way or another, even if i drop my f ing spoon I sometimes want to cry.

      4. "You're definitely depressed"

      You cannot possibly hear one part of a story someone posted and just say they have a mental disorder. Depression is often used as a blanket term, and it's not like you know the peroson.

      5. "Believe you can get better. Read a book"... tell me how many people you know that escaped depression with a book... obviously there are many issues that need to be adressed that a book could perhaps lead you to solve, but reading a book isn't just going to f ing fix you. Depression is often times a unbalance of chemicals in the brain.

      There's more I'd like to say but I'm tired. So again, I know you meant well, but I'm the future, avoid regurgitating the same "hopeful" phrases that people who don't understand utter.

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