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I feel like a monster that needs to die. I just want to know if thats ok.

Posted , 7 users are following.

Philly_Cheese
Philly_Cheese

At this point I really dont think me continueing with my life is the right option, but im too much of a coward to end it. I seriously feel that im just a burden, a blackhole sucking the life out of everything. It began to ecalate after I said something to my bro, a paranoia I had/still have( with other people as well) that they are interested in me and are trying to get in my pants. After that I only like going in my room, cant enjoy anything anymore unless im by myself. I feel like everybody thinks im gay and they are trying to help me out in these subtle little ways and they arent telling the truth of what they are actually thinking about me..... is another thing im paranoid about. The thing is I know im clearly not gay from sources available to basically anyone even though it shouldnt, but yet im still stuck up on it and I really shouldn't be because its not like its a bad thing anyways. Anyways I cant talk to anyone normally, and I honestly want nothing to do with them or my family. I feel like I dont care about them at all anymore. And I know I should. Nothing interests me I cant focus in school I automatically end a conversation because im just not interested. I also feel like me being addicted to porn is a big issue as well. but I just dont care anymore, I really dont even want to help myself anymore, more or less I just want confirmation on what I want to do. There is just so much pain and hatred I do in everything as well. I have dreams of beating the sh*t out of people to near death or the point of death. Sometimes its my ownself as well. I know im a monster. I just want to dissapear and not feel anymore. My bestfriend who I feel is my second bro doesnt even want to do anything with me anymore unless I call him. I feel im getting to personal,but at this point I just dont care, I want it to end. As cheesy as it sounds I seriously understand why people want to commit suicide and I'm starting to think its not a bad thing at all. I'm sorry for who ever reads this but please just tell me that ending it is the best thing to do.

0 likes, 9 replies

9 Replies

  • yommymommy79
    yommymommy79 Philly_Cheese

    Posted

    Hi Philly

    Ending it is not ye best option...seeking help is. People can help you get better from this.

    All the sexual stuff you talk about sound like it could be intrusive thoughts?? Please Google it and have a read up on them.

    No matter how you think others think of you I can assure you if you ended it loads of people would be devastated x

  • Howll
    Howll Philly_Cheese

    Posted

    We only get one life, and it's not necessarily an easy burden. How old are you, mate?

    I really think you need to seek help if this is how you're feeling, there is a way out of this and even though right now it seems like the only way out is death, that's not the only route. There are many people out there that want to help, and I'm sure there are many that love and care about you and want you to enjoy life.

    I guess you could have worse than a porn addiction, but wouldn't you rather sort yourself out so you can be with actual girls instead of just watching them on a computer screen? Masturbation isn't a bad thing, many people use it as a relaxing technique but There's so much moregreat stuff you could be doing with your life and you are the only one that can push yourself to taking the first step and getting better.

    • Philly_Cheese
      Philly_Cheese Howll

      Posted

      I'm 19 and I'm going to college as of right now. And thanks for the advice. 
  • Sunweaver
    Sunweaver Philly_Cheese

    Posted

    Hi Philly, I ran across your post, I just want to say I hope you made it through that hard time. I hope you didn't decide to go through with it. I too feel like a monster. It's an everyday battle. It's been a little tougher lately and I really don't know why. But if you are ok would you respond?

    • hypochondriac
      hypochondriac Sunweaver

      Posted

      He is not active anymore it appears for whatever reason, I'm sure he is doing fine tho, some people only get on here and make an account for a little advice when they are lost and then continue there life with the advice given and go live a happy life

    • Sunweaver
      Sunweaver hypochondriac

      Posted

      I'm sure you are right, I hope he is ok. We all get lost at times. I just would like to know how to deal with the feelings too? I can deal with my feelings of inadequacy usually, but it never goes away. Kinda like it's always on my shoulder. I'm tired of dealing with it, and don't know how to keep the feelings from coming back.

  • sophia20854
    sophia20854 Philly_Cheese

    Posted

    Hi Philly Cheese,

        That's a neat name you have, wish I could really eat one right about now. I don't understand and get everything you are going through but I understand the depression and porn addiction.  They go hand in hand and produce all sorts of critters like shame, guilt, depression, anger, anxiety.  You may need counseling but you may also need God to help you with this one. We are not only accountable to ourselves for how we behave but to God who truly desires to direct our lives and be a part of it. If you don't wish to go a 12 step addiction program may help although it may sound a little cheesy, they have them for all sorts of addictions and you may soon realize that what you were led to believe is all bunk. That there are others that share in our humanity that are going through the same struggles as you or even worse. Take care hope to see you back on this site

  • X-ann
    X-ann Philly_Cheese

    Posted

    I understand you man, i've wanted to do it for a long time but you have to fight the storm to get the rainbow so please dont give up, if you need someone to talk to we can talk on KIK so do go to Hell to soon ok. God speed. You mean something to the world and that's what matters

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