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I feel like I have been depressed for as long as I can remember

Posted , 6 users are following.

AnonymousJack
AnonymousJack

Hey there. Let me start by saying. I have never done one of these before and want to keep it anonymous so I am sorry if I leave some details out.

I don't feel like anyone wants to listen to everything that went on because I would be here all day. The brief of it is. I was verbally and occasionally physically bullied from year 3 up until now. For around 9-10 years I was pushed. Sworn at. Put down. Excluded from groups. Victimised by a few teachers. Hated in my year. Basically just anything you can think of to do with bullying. And the teachers wouldn't do anything but cover it up or tell me I was the problem.

I don't know if this was the cause of me right now but I am pretty sure. I feel bad. I am not motivated. I hardly try. I don't feel like life is worth it right now. It just seems like nobody cares. I have a girlfriend and I feel like she has saved my life in many ways. But that doesn't help. I got her after all of the s**t. I am having councillors but I changed because I didn't trust her.

I have a really bad memory. Like terrible. My parents think I am lazy but I literally can't remember anything. I forgot my brother's birthday the other week.

I don't know what to do. Everytime I try to do work. My mind will ether go somewhere else or get a headache.

I am consistently worried and nervous about everything. Like I imagined that I was going to bite off my wrists in my sleep and bleed to death. And didn't sleep until my body shut down that night.

I can't visualise. Like there is nothing there when I think of a sunset or whatever. I say whatever comes into my head when talking to people. I take everything literally and don't really get jokes

I have probably left a million details out. Feel free to ask whatever about this situation. I just want help. I don't know what to do. I am failing my courses and I am pretty sure that I am going to fail college if something doesn't change and my whole life will be ruined.

This is not a joke and everything I have said I would like to be taken seriously.

1 like, 17 replies

17 Replies

  • jane16431
    jane16431 AnonymousJack

    Posted

    I too was bullied as a child.  I am in my early 50s and probably still have not gotten over it.  Yet, I am now highly functional, though I was not always this way.

    I sympathize with you.  You say you saw a therapist but it did not work.  That’s ok, it happens a lot.  Try another one until you find one that clicks.

    Another thing that can help is reading.  Online forums are good, so are books on the subject.  Look up “recovering from bullying “ and you are sure to find resources and references.

    I am certainly not going to try and diagnose you.  But it does occur to me that perhaps a full physical is in order to rule out any undiagnosed medical issue that could be contributing.

    I wish you luck.  You are not alone.

    • AnonymousJack
      AnonymousJack jane16431

      Posted

      Thank you for replying

      Yeah I probably need to see another one. I can get another therapist sorted I am sure so will go for that and see how it goes.

      I have never thought of reading. I will have a look for a book that might work.

      Thankyou so much

  • Adldiane
    Adldiane AnonymousJack

    Posted

    Hello. I read everything that you wrote and it saddened me. About your memory I think if I had been bullied and beaten and in general mistreated the way that you were I would have an automatic defense on my memory if I even thought I might be hurt. Far beyond my control. I do not think that you are lazy..I think that you have been beaten down for years and are worn down and need an emotional and physical rest for a long time. Do you think that you would respond a little better to a male therapist? And take it very slow because with all the abuse that you have endured I think trust will come slowly to you. Thank you for writing to us and trusting us just a little. We will be here. Diane
    • AnonymousJack
      AnonymousJack Adldiane

      Posted

      Yeah I can't really remember the last time I could remember. But that does seem plausible because I don't want to be hurt again if I am honest.

      I don't think it was the fact it was a female therapist, it was just because I didn't feel I could trust her. She kept forgetting details that I had asked her. It was stressful. I felt i was just restarting every time I saw her.

      Yeah I don't have many people I really trust right now. I would honestly only said I had one person I trusted at the moment.

      Your welcome. I think it was a good idea. As all other ideas haven't worked. And I wanted to go to people with experiences or people who know more than I do about the subject.

  • hedda99
    hedda99 AnonymousJack

    Posted

    I'm sorry to hear that you have had such a hard time, I too was bullied at school. I can't really help you with that except to say that hopefully talking therapy will help you process it all and come to terms with it.

    The only other thing I wanted to say was that I noticed you said that you take things very literally and speak without thinking. This, to me, is suggestive of Asperger's syndrome. Has this ever been mentioned to you before? I think it is worth you having a google and reading up on the symptoms to see if they resonate with you.

    Apart from that I can only wish you good luck and hope for a happier future. xx

    • AnonymousJack
      AnonymousJack hedda99

      Posted

      Yeah I am trying with therapy. Hopefully it works out the next time.

      It has kind of been mentioned about Asperger's. I just did a quick test online and apparently I have got it. But obviously this is not a proper test. So I will ask my new councillor and see what she says about it. They do resonate.

      Thankyou

    • hedda99
      hedda99 AnonymousJack

      Posted

      Hi, well you know, if it turns out that is the case then there is help available, so it might actually be a good thing! Perhaps it is worthwhile going to see a GP to ask about it, as they can refer you to the appropriate specialists. 

      I wish you the very best of luck!

       

    • AnonymousJack
      AnonymousJack hedda99

      Posted

      Yeah I need to get a proper diagnosis then I will be able to see for sure. Yeah my GP said it's water under the bridge so I need a new one as well. But thankyou.

    • hypercat
      hypercat AnonymousJack

      Posted

      Hi I must admit when I heard you say you take everything seriously my first reaction was Aspergers.  I hope it's not but I think you need a firm diagnosis.  Once you get this and if you do have it then the right type of counselling could really help you.

      There are many living happy productive lives with Aspergers.  x

    • AnonymousJack
      AnonymousJack hypercat

      Posted

      I talked to my councillor and she said she would talk to a GP as mine was rubbish and get me a new one so that I can get a proper diagnosis.

      I wouldn't mind. I just want to know everything about why I am like this. Its so hard. Like there is no reason for me being like this

  • Adldiane
    Adldiane AnonymousJack

    Posted

    Hi there. Let me say that Hypercat is one smart person and when she speaks I stand still and listen. I have a nephew that has aspergers. He is one of the smartest people on the universe but has endured and still does the same thing that you do. His mother went into surgery when he was 2 and died in surgery. My sister and his father are raising him and he is the most loved kid that you have ever known but the kids at school give him hell. We grieve over it. 
    • hypercat
      hypercat Adldiane

      Posted

      Hi does the school know of his condition?  If they do then surely they are giving him some protection and help.  I hope so anyhow.  xx
    • Adldiane
      Adldiane hypercat

      Posted

      The school is fully aware of his condition and his father and grandmother meet with them regularly. He has a very supportive family as well as a counselor that specializes in Aspergers. He is loved and has all the support that he needs. 
  • Adldiane
    Adldiane AnonymousJack

    Posted

    Hi again. I live out of state so I do not know about his day to day care but yes his father has meetings with the school as well as his grandmother. He is in weekly counseling also and has been since he was young. But his day to day care comes from his parents/ father. The school does not have the time to monitor one child but he sees the school counselor if he feels unsafe at school or feels the need to talk to them at school. But even with all that he suffers a lot like you do. I am thinking that as has been said that you need to see a counselor and get a diagnosis so you can stop beating up on yourself and get help. You deserve it. Meanwhile we care about you and we will be here for you. Diane
    • AnonymousJack
      AnonymousJack Adldiane

      Posted

      Thankyou. I haven't been on in a while. It got alot better getting it out there. And my new councillor is good. I had a consultation and we talked through alot of things. It's just got worse. Like it's so hard to just like live at the moment. It feels like everyone is against me right now. Thank you for saying your here it means alot.

      I don't really know what to do at the moment. It just feels like college and work arnt working and I just want to quit. It's an escape but at the same time I hate it.

      I was doing hockey and I had a chat with my coach as I was never being picked.

      She said it was my attendance

      I asked what about before when I had good attendance and she said it was because I wasn't as good as anyone she picked

      She said it so angrily and with such violence in her voice. It made me feel horrible.

      It's been hard with hockey with the bullying and such and to tell me that after I have played my whole life. And without any compassion made me feel really bad.

      Sorry it's so long. I have alot on my chest at the moment

    • Adldiane
      Adldiane AnonymousJack

      Posted

      Hi again. I don't think that coach should be working with young people at all. She needs to get a grip and a new profession! Just my opinion. 

      Well keep writing in and one issue at a time we will disect it and try to help you work through it. What do you think?

      Diane

    • AnonymousJack
      AnonymousJack Adldiane

      Posted

      I know. It was very demotivating and especially as I have done that my whole life it was really hard to hear. Life is getting so much worse these past couple of days and I don't see it improving.

      No that's good thankyou

      School isn't the best at the moment well college. I can't do my work and it's really starting to be bad. I wanted to quit as I am planning to do a new course in September but my dad said no and got angry and refused the idea so I didn't know what I should do

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