I feel like I’m more than one person
Posted , 3 users are following.
Hey! Im so so sorry this is going to be really long!
I’m 18 and I have this child like personality that I really don’t understand but I want to stay in that world forever. It’s not like I don’t want to grow up, because I do, it’s more like I can’t grow up.
I had no problem socialising with other people but sometimes when I do socialise, it’s like this child personality wants to take over and it’s hard to stop it.
There’s also like another personality/part of me that’s more confident and outgoing than I already am and it helps me out so much but sometimes there’s like a really bitchy side to it that I don’t like.
There’s one that I think is me but changed a lot. If that makes sense? There’s also ‘people’ that I’ve made part of my life when in reality I have no idea who they are or if they even exist as a person.
There’s more personalities/parts of me and they all have ‘names’ but they aren’t as often as the ones I mentioned.
I don’t know exactly who I am anymore and I don’t know what to do.
It’s gotten so bad that I can’t go to work or go to college and it’s about to get dark but suicide is on my mind all the time and I’ve recently started to self harm again. I’ve become more paranoid about things. I have to keep checking things I’ve done because I constantly think they are wrong. I feel like I see things for a second that aren’t really there and I can’t keep my hands still no matter what and I feel like whatever this whole thing is, it’s ruining my life.
This has been going on for 10 years now ever since my sister passed away and at first I thought it was normal until recently it started to get much worse.
I have no idea what’s wrong with me or what to do about it. I’m terrified of myself and sometimes other people.
I’m sorry if I haven’t explained anything properly or if this is all confusing or if all of that is completely normal and I’m just overreacting I just have no one irl I can talk to about this and I just want to know if any of this is normal or what I can do to help myself.
1 like, 2 replies
Patient girlonline
Posted
Hi girlonline
We note from a recent post which you have made to our forum that you may be experiencing thoughts around self-harm. If we have misinterpreted your comments then we apologies for contacting you directly. But if you are having such thoughts then please note that you are not alone in this, and there are people out there that can help.
If you are having these suicidal thoughts then we strongly recommend you speak to someone who may be able to help. The Samaritans offer a safe space where you can talk openly about what you are going through. They can help you explore your options, understand your problems better, or just be there to listen.
Their contact details are on our patient information leaflet here: https://patient.info/health/dealing-with-suicidal-thoughts, which also offers lots of other advice on how you can access the help you may need.
If you are having such thoughts then please do reach out to the team at the Samaritans (or the other people detailed in our leaflet) who will understand what you're going through and will be able to help.
Kindest regards
Patient
hamuelsuber girlonline
Posted
Hey so you probably won't see this reply because you posted this 6 months ago but I hope things have turned around for you and I'd love to hear more about your experience. I'm currently going through the absolute most confusing turn in my life as far as mental health. I'm super happy to have found this post because my situation is just about identical to yours. I'm 19 and I'm a college freshman. My family is in Ohio and I don't have family and texas or anyone that I knew when I first came here. I've adapted well because I'm used to moving (military family) but my mental health has seen change like never before in my life. I've spent years being convinced that I had mental health issues because of limitless symptoms that are part of my daily life. About 3 months ago I decided that it was time to do something about it and I got diagnosed and began treatment for anxiety. I was excited because I have finally accepted and reached out for help for my mental issues. I thought it was going well, until last night when I was doing a therapy exercise in which I reflected on my progress for a list of symptoms that I made when I first accepted my "anxiety". I don't know what the reason is for what happened next but my best guess is that my slightly improved mental health made my mind finally recognize, but it's only a guess. I went through each symptom on the list until i ended up stopping and being confused by the 6th symptom i wrote on the list: "there are multiple mes living in my head". It was absolutely crazy to me to read that, even though it was me who wrote it, it felt as if the first time I had read those words. It made me think back on it and for the first time in my life, I realized that I've had absolutely no control over what memories and what feelings are mine, and which ones belong to each different me that lives in my head. I realized that I had spent my life never even considering the idea that it is not normal to have embodiments of different characteristics that get to be in charge whenever they please, and don't have any regulation on which me gets to make my choices at any time. I realized that I've never told my therapists or doctors or family, not because I wanted to keep it private or because it was too much for me. For the first time in my life I realized that I haven't had a choice. I didn't choose to keep it to myself and let doctors know about all of my symptoms EXCEPT this one. It was never a choice, it was just the way things are. Before realizing this last night, I never even considered the possibility that all of the different mes aren't a symptom of my anxiety, they're the cause. I'm still undergoing the process of understanding and accepting that I live alongside different mes. I've always known this, but up until last night it didn't feel like something i needed to accept, almost like my brain has never been allowed to view my multiple lives as a bad thing. It's mostly scaring me that I don't know what's real and what has been my life versus another sam's way of living. Which brings us to the absolute craziest topic for me to ponder at the moment, WHICH ME IS THE REAL ME? IS IT ANY ONE OF ME OR IS IT A COMBINATION OF ALL OR ARE NONE OF MY DIFFERENT minds the real one?? Most of this episode initially began because I thought for the first time that I was real me, but it was only a demo, or a sample of who I really am. I like to believe that the real me is strong and brave and given control of my own head would put an end to being in a constant inner fight for control. But that real me that I felt for the first time last night was only a preview. I didn't have control or power over my mind, or even the power to think about everything with this new mind I had discovered. It felt like real me for the first time I can remember, but I felt trapped and powerless, as if the versions of me that I've spent so many years believing were normal and true had taken over and overthrown me. I'm not sure who I am but I'm going to the doctor today to seek help, and I'd absolutely love to hear from you (hopefully happy news that you feel better now) and talk about your experiences, as it sounds like just 6 months ago you went through exact what I'm going through right now. And thank you so much for being strong enough to post this! I'm sure it was not easy for you to reach out and open those thoughts up, but your post has helped me out so much to find in my time of crisis that someone just like me has gone through almost exactly what I'm going through now. Hope all is well!