I feel like I'm not alone in my body
Posted , 4 users are following.
Hello everyone, sorry if it's not gonna be understandable, but i'll try to explain everything thoroughly. First of all, I want to point out that I'm 17 y.o., but my mental state resembles a childs one. All I want is to stay in the cute little world of mine, my comfort zone, that resembles an adorable little fairy tale, but I always feel that reality shatters it. I'm about to apply for the university, but thoughts of adult life, responsibility, work, doing hard and adult things kills me. I can't show it to anyone since my mother is really strict on this matter, but all these thoughts are driving me crazy, I'm on the verge of tears even now, when I write this. I'm not antisocial, but I certainly am insecure and it's hard to carry out responsibilities. I'd say I'm totally incompetent of this, but I actually success in everything. The problem is, I feel like everything I do that actually scares me (work, socializing) isn't done by me, but by someone else. I'm still inside of my body, I'm still talking or doing stuff, but it's as if I turn on confidence and charm but turn off myself. Wherever I start being charismatic and confident I feel blank. As if it's a doll talking, and the actual me hides somewhere in behind of my body. I don't really understand what it is, so don't get mad if this has nothing to do with the forum topics whatsoever, I just have no one else to tell that to. Thank you for reading, and I hope someone here can help me understand what's the matter with me.
3 likes, 4 replies
mari34228 Clockheart
Posted
Hi Clockheart, I can absolutely identify with what you are saying! I'm 41 and still feel like this. I too go into a 'zone' where I am this other person, when really I just want to run away most of the time. Saying that, I'm not anti-social either...it's a complicated thing!!
It sounds to me like you are a particularly sensitive person. I know I am. I still very much feel like I want to still be in the cosy, safe world I was in as a child. In fact, when I had both my children I really revelled in being in a 'baby' world again, with all the softness and innocence that comes with it. I loved spending time with them watching all the baby and kids tv shows (my eldest is 17 now too).
However, it really isn't possible to stay in that world. Life moves on and we get older, and responsibilites come with that. The only thing I have learned over the years is that my self-esteem and confidence is very low. And that brings with it anxiety. I think this has a lot to do with wanting go back to being that child again. The world can be an overwhelming and scary place. Loud, selfish, cruel etc. But you are a part of this world, and you deserve to be able to live your life the way you want to and be happy.
Do you think you lack confidence in yourself? I did, and still do (but not nearly as much as before...as I'm old now !!
). I was so nervous about going to uni I couldn't sleep at all the night before. Don't be scared to apply. But make sure it's for something that you REALLY want to do. I would suggest having a good think about the person you are, what your real interests are and what you would actually like to achieve in life. If you are doing a course you enjoy that will hopefully lead to a future you will enjoy. And remember, when you go to Uni, everyone is new, everyone has to get to know each other. Believe it or not, your confidence will grow at Uni! Try and take part in as many extra-curricular actvities as possible. There are all different types of clubs and organsations you can join. And that way you will make friends who have the same interests as you, and the more you socialise with friends, the more relaxed you will feel.
Don't worry too much about how you are feeling right now. You are still very young. There is plenty of time for you to get to grips with the big world out there! And you will. Don't be too hard on yourself, and try not to overthink things too much. One day at a time....you will get there!
I wish you all the very best Clockheart. Love Mari xxxx
Clockheart mari34228
Posted
Wow, thank you very much for such wonderful words!
I'm really happy someone understands, since I didn't want to come off as childish or immature. It's just that sometimes I feel so little and lost in this big world, and yes, I really do lack confidence) The thing is, I personally don't think I'm attractive, but I get a lot of unwanted attention from guys, which actually gradually drives me to feel uneasy around males altogether. I don't want to develop androphobia, but I can't help it( And I feel anxious about having to adjust to a new place, my high school days seem to be the best ones now, I'm really sad about graduating 
Even though I didn't really like studying there back in the days, I feel like that place was way more secure and it always welcomed me. Man, I'll really miss all of my friends and just the place itself.
But a good thing is, some of my classmated apllied for the same uni, so I still have hope for meeting them there. Maybe it won't turn out that bad)
Once again, thank you for your kind words, I'm really happy someone understands my feelings, and someone so much more mature than me too! So cool
Your words hepled me more, than I thought they would!
mari34228 Clockheart
Posted
Hey Clockheart! I'm so glad I helped a bit
. Yes, I'm sure everything will be fine! Hold on to who you are....you sound like a really nice person. And, yes, it's good to push outside your comfort zone at times, but if you think it's too far...just say no! You don't need to rush. Time will grow your confidence.
I wish you all the best for Uni, lots of love, Mari xxx
EmeraldJade1 Clockheart
Posted
I also sometimes wonder if there is another "me" inside me - I also long to be carefree and hate that im growing older, I'm now 26! but I feel 18 or at least like I wish I was again because I had such an easier happier life back then and these days I feel I still carry a lot of my burdens with me
Trying to work on that at the moment. I think we just have the ability to wear different masks around different people and I am sensitive and like fairness so I'm always trying to be on everybodies good side and stick up for people who are getting ganged up on...you can use the blank person as your alter ego and put effort into how wonderful she is which could build your self confidence, by imagining what you think the best version of you could be and make that the person people meet so your inner child is protected. Hopefully in time this could even allow you to strip all your masks off and feel comfortable to be yourself around everyone and you and your alter ego would happily co-exist? Thats my logic anyway haha this world is influenced by the messages you send out - so send out good thoughts about yourself 
This world is a cruel place and I think some of us are too good for it, but thats how my idea above could be like your armour to face the world. You are not alone in feeling this way and I blame society and a lot of ideas forced upon us from a young age that we aren't good enough.
We are good enough hun and we can show everyone by believing in ourselves. Its funny how easy it is for me to give this advice but to take my own advice is so much more difficult! You are strong enough and you can get better - I have before, sometimes we slip again but just gotta keep trying.