I feel like I've dug myself into a hole

This is going to be long, but I'm at the point where I can't really bring this up with family anymore because I keep falling apart over it but to them, as much as they want me to be happy, it's kind of old news.

From the beginning... in 2014 I joined the Navy. I never saw myself in the military, but I did very well. I got paid to learn and get a degree, and lived in Hawaii for a bit. I was basically effortlessly advancing in my career, gaining confidence as a young person, and having a good time in a beautiful place. Not to mention I was being paid enough to get pretty much whatever I wanted (within reason). I always loved the ocean and there I was. I even bought a horse and spent time every day after work riding on trails and in green fields, under palm trees, around a pond...

I'm not sure exactly when things started going downhill but due to some admin errors and a bunch of organizational changes at work, I was moved around to work at a different building/department 3 or 4 times and never had enough time to settle in and figure out what exactly my job was there. Around this time I also met my now-husband. I'll admit I let my relationship be my priority over the rest of my life. We were engaged in 4 months and married 7 months after that and are still happy together. But (by my own choice) I sacrificed time with my friends, my hobbies, and the effort I put into my career to put more time into my relationship. My husband and I started sharing our complaints about our jobs and it led to both of us being depressed and only being able to see the bad side of things. I basically lost my best friend temporarily because I stopped making time to hang out with her and complained her ear off about work.

After trying antidepressants and feeling even worse, my husband and I eventually were both able to get out of the military about 2.5 years early because of severe depression/anxiety. Mostly I missed my family and my other horse back home and it was expensive and difficult to visit. I sold my horse in Hawaii to some wonderful people who said she'd have a forever home with, and we went back to where I grew up. Surprise, surprise, it wasn't what I remembered from years ago, it was awkward living at home again, the area was expensive to live in and all the job opportunities were not really what I wanted to do. At least I had my horse that I had left there. Well, the area was just too expensive for us to be independent, so after a few months we moved farther south where my husband grew up. A family member of his had offered to let us live for no cost in an extra place they had while we got back on our feet. We built a pasture, my horse was shipped down... Red flags are coming from this family member fought from the start. They basically began to accuse us of things we hadn't done and long story short, a few months later we had to move into another family member's home, move the whole pasture fencing and horse, etc. Later that person accused us of stealing things when we left and threatened to go to court, but I have proof that the items were ours all along. It turns out we moved to the middle of nowhere, and with only one vehicle after one broke down. Months later I have a minimum wage part time job that is an hour away and doesn't cover my expenses. I've spent everything I had saved to buy a house on moving again and just surviving. I think we're both about to get a full time job which is great because my car loan which I had paid ahead several months is about to be due again and I'm dying to get our own place and be independent again and start a family.

Just when things are looking up like this and I'm starting to feel right again, I find out that the horse I sold in Hawaii is for sale again. This just has me so heartbroken. I have regretted selling her and missed her every day and because of her age I'm terrified she'll fall into the hands of the wrong person. It kills me that there's nothing I can do. I have missed Hawaii from the day I left and regretted leaving the military and all my friends for almost as long. I've tried to get back in but it's not looking possible due to the circumstances that I left under. The one thing that made me feel ok was knowing that horse had a loving forever home. Now I'm just stuck feeling like I personally ruined my life with all these decisions I made. I could've just stayed in and let my husband get out and we could've stayed in Hawaii, but I was stubborn and if he got out, I wanted to also. Looking back, I took everything so for granted. I had everything in life I'd been dreaming of having for years. I feel so stupid not realizing how hard it is to get by as a civilian (I'm sorry if I sound spoiled or something... I basically just got lucky with that job and it's all I knew so I had no idea how jobs and expenses would compare). I look overqualified for most jobs based on my resume but in reality I'm only qualified for entry level jobs because my job was a very specific field.

I have been going through phases of depression/feeling relatively happy over and over for a few years, but usually I'm more depressed. Recently I was starting to feel really happy and hopeful and seeing that horse for sale was pretty much the last straw. I feel so hopeless now, I can't sleep knowing she might get into the wrong hands. I feel like I threw away everything I always wanted thinking it would make me and (maybe mostly) my husband happy outside of our relationship, and now I regret every. single. choice. I've been having breakdowns and feeling overwhelmed and crying more than I ever did when I was in the Navy. I was used to feeling like I was making an impact on something big, I didn't feel like just an average person trying to scrape by. Only now that it's too late do I know what I had and I just don't know how to get over it. I don't know how to emotionally detach from things like the horse I sold, and missing my friends. I can see my friendships falling apart as we message less and less over time. I'm still not close enough and don't have money to visit family (I also didn't realize how few vacating days most jobs give because I was getting 30 a year right from the start). I feel like I'm doomed to struggle to pay my basic expenses and to afford a family and I feel like I'll never achieve any of my dreams now. I threw them away and I can't go back and even if I did it would probably just remind me of the mistakes and the time I lost. Don't get me wrong, I know there are people worse off than I am, but the fact that I had a really great deal and threw it all away is killing me. I have been trying to recognize all the life lessons this whole ordeal has come with, but it feels like such a cruel way to learn. I don't feel suicidal... just tired. Like I want to just lay in bed for the rest of my life. People try to tell me to focus on the positives, but I'm still stuck in that mindset that the positives are still negatives compared to what I gave up. I'm worried I'll regret these decisions for the rest of my life. The worst part is I can only blame myself because I made every decision.

1 like, 4 replies