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I suppose I'm posting this because I'd rather not trouble any of my friends with it, and my parents aren't likely to be of any use as proven from past experiences. For about three years now my severe anxiety has been apparent. There isn't a moment I'm not thinking about what others think of me and worrying about past present and future events. I'll avoid and regret social meetings more often than not. I've had repeated panic attacks and ever since my first counselling session about 3 years ago which seemed to open a damn. I try not to make it obvious, which of course makes it worse because I fear fear. Fear seems to be my top emotion. I fear everything but death. Over the last two years people have complained I have become less coherent, I'm trying very hard to make sure this makes sense but I apologise if I fail. Over the last year particularly I've been severely depressed, I cry often because all I want is to be dead but I'm aware that even if my friends and family don't like me all that much, my suicide is likely to effect their mental health and I love people far too much to do that to them. I sometimes sit accusing people of being selfish for forcing me to be alive (not to their face, to myself) but I know it's not really their fault, if I were just a little more selfish I could do it. Over the last year I've also being seeing things, in fact I have done whilst writing this. It shakes me and I start questioning if there's something actually there. Over the last several months I have been fearing people can read my mind, I used to do that but it didn't mean much because everyone did it and it was only a musing, but now it's constant and I monitor my thoughts in case someone reads them. I've asked people if they can read my mind but they don't answer and that scares me. I feel like I'm slowly loosing my mind, I can't do anything but fear and hate myself. I wonder if I have a cancer in my brain or something but I doubt that makes sense. I don't care about deadlines, I have no motivation. This is ruining my life and future and all I can think is if only I were dead. What do I do? I can't get help and my doctor is reluctant to offer medication although I do worry that if i did, during the 'down period' I'll loose control and kill myself. Thanks for reading, there's a lot here.
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