I feel like my brain is rotting away

Posted , 4 users are following.

I'm sorry if you saw this in the depression forum too and are thinking that I'm looking for attention, I just noticed there was more activity here and it would be really nice to get some advise. 

I suppose I'm posting this because I'd rather not trouble any of my friends with it, and my parents aren't likely to be of any use as proven from past experiences. For about three years now my severe anxiety has been apparent. There isn't a moment I'm not thinking about what others think of me and worrying about past present and future events. I'll avoid and regret social meetings more often than not. I've had repeated panic attacks and ever since my first counselling session about 3 years ago which seemed to open a damn. I try not to make it obvious, which of course makes it worse because I fear fear. Fear seems to be my top emotion. I fear everything but death. Over the last two years people have complained I have become less coherent, I'm trying very hard to make sure this makes sense but I apologise if I fail. Over the last year particularly I've been severely depressed, I cry often because all I want is to be dead but I'm aware that even if my friends and family don't like me all that much, my suicide is likely to effect their mental health and I love people far too much to do that to them. I sometimes sit accusing people of being selfish for forcing me to be alive (not to their face, to myself) but I know it's not really their fault, if I were just a little more selfish I could do it. Over the last year I've also being seeing things, in fact I have done whilst writing this. It shakes me and I start questioning if there's something actually there. Over the last several months I have been fearing people can read my mind, I used to do that but it didn't mean much because everyone did it and it was only a musing, but now it's constant and I monitor my thoughts in case someone reads them. I've asked people if they can read my mind but they don't answer and that scares me. I feel like I'm slowly loosing my mind, I can't do anything but fear and hate myself. I wonder if I have a cancer in my brain or something but I doubt that makes sense. I don't care about deadlines, I have no motivation. This is ruining my life and future and all I can think is if only I were dead. What do I do? I can't get help and my doctor is reluctant to offer medication although I do worry that if i did, during the 'down period' I'll loose control and kill myself. Thanks for reading, there's a lot here. 

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  • Posted

    Are u male or female alex? (Sorry your name is unisex) wasn't sure. I too have trouble discussing my issues openly similar to you it's more usual in men in this particular respect and find it easier to open up more on here. 

    I'm have anxiety issues which I try and hide/disguise (perhaps out of pride) as I have this kinda of confident exterior. My family offer me nothing but support and love and I through it back in their face sometimes selfishlessly (again perhaps out of pride) they know I'm suffering but they don't know why as I don't open up. 

    Sleep depravitation affects me most as chances in my life iv wasted prey on my mind. I take a lot of sleeping pills inc zoppiclon and Valium which i think are not going to pay off in the long run.

    hows your sleep patterns alex these days? What country u from? (U spelt apologiSe) without a 'Z' so I guess uk wink

    sorry for my lack of input for your particular case I guess u required some advice but I am new to this and not a practicioner in anyway. Just thought we could relate somehow. 

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    • Posted

      I'm a girl (sorry for not specifying). For me it's less of a pride thing than fear (tracing back to my gf getting angry at me when I tried to open up) and not wanting to be dissliked. My parents don't really know what to do and have made me feel bad about it above anything. 

      My sleep isn't great, I'm usually asleep at around 5am and awake 7am on a school day. It's not too bad sometimes though so I'm not overly concerned. 

      Yeah I'm from the UK, well observed 😅.

      That's alright, I'm just thankful for the response! 

      Hope you get better x 

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  • Posted

    Alex I always look at life with hope u always look at life there is always someone worse off than myself it is not good to be drepressed and feeling the way u are plenty fresh air do things that make u happy got baths work wonders of u ever need to talk im here
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    • Posted

      I'm aware that there are people worse of, I'm really sorry if it seemed like I forgot that. Hope actually seems to be my downfall because the dissopointment drags me further down. I do try to draw because I enjoy it but with school I have no time sadly.

      Thank you so much for the advise and response, I appreciate it more than you think!! 

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