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I feel like my fiancee resents me

Posted , 6 users are following.

nathan27499
nathan27499

Hi, I'm a 26 years old guy. I've been with my partner for about a year and half now. In late April, early May myself and my fiancee were diagnosed with HSV-1. We both had a really bad outbreak each because neither of us knew what it was until it was too late. The doctor said that hers was the worse they'd ever seen and the tissue inside her vagina may not grow back properly. We had a pretty active sex life up until then and now we can't even do anything because it hurts her too much.

It's hard because we both want to, she's just too scared to try and every time we do try I see the look on her face. I know she blames me. When she was going through it, she was laid in the bath screaming in agony, saying how much she hates me. And just last week she said she resented me for it.

It makes me feel like crap. I do feel like it is my fault, I have had cold sores before in the past, but I didn't know it was a type of herpes and I hate myself for it. What makes me feel even worse is my past. Before I met her I was a virgin, I was really lonely and I always felt like no one wanted me, it got me really down and I have depression because of it amongst other reasons, so I did a stupid thing and slept with escorts. I always wore a condom and never did anything to them oral wise. I was in a really bad place and wanted to feel something. Little did I know that five months later I would meet my partner. 

We had a big argument today because of it. She says we can try and then changes her mind at the last second, which frustrates me even more and it must frustrate her too. She says she doesn't equate love with sex, but I do, especially when it's with someone I love. I'm not with her for sex, but I love the intimacy of it all. I love feeling close to her like that. It makes me feel wanted, needed. It's hard because I don't ever feel like we can go back to the way things were. I just want her to stop blaming me for it.

0 likes, 11 replies

11 Replies

  • FelizCastus
    FelizCastus nathan27499

    Posted

    Give it time. She had a nasty first outbreak not more than a month ago, so she only just healed in the last week or two. Trying to have sex so soon is unnecessary and potentially aggravating, even painful, as there could be injures below the surface. I'm sure you can both hold off sex for a few weeks until she's fully back to normal, which will happen. You must need to be patient and understanding.

    Genital HSV1 typically has nasty first outbreaks, but rarely recurs afterwards, maybe just once a year, if that, and is usually waaay milder than the first outbreak. It is also less infectious than having it orally, and much less infectious and frequently recurring than genital HSV2. Let her know this information, so that she doesn't feel so bad about it, and don't try for sex until she's ready. Maybe use lube to reduce friction.

    • nathan27499
      nathan27499 FelizCastus

      Posted

      Sorry I should've said it was last year she had her first outbreak. That's why it's so frustrating. We were able to have sex maybe two months after that.

      She had a second smaller outbreak early December last year which wasn't as bad. We had sex after it healed on Christmas Eve and the last time we had sex was just before the new year maybe. 

      It's like ever since the second outbreak, it's gotten worse. I haven't had an outbreak for quite a while now. She says it's not so bad when I perform oral on her, but the moment I use a finger, it hurts. And she doesn't like me giving oral because she wants the rest of it.

    • FelizCastus
      FelizCastus nathan27499

      Posted

      Oh gosh, it was a year ago? Has she been to a gyno to discuss the pain? It could be psychosomatic, nerve damage or vulvodynia, etc. I am not familiar with the latter, but a gyno should be able to shed more light on what's wrong and hopefully offer something to help.

    • nathan27499
      nathan27499 FelizCastus

      Posted

      No, she hasn't. I'll put it to her and find out what she says. Seems like the best option really, I just hope she listens to me. Thank you.

    • Darana
      Darana nathan27499

      Posted

      I agree with Felis. If it has been some time and she is saying that just a finger hurts, vaginismus is also a possibility. I suggest she see a doctor and tell them about the pain she is having. They could work with her and see what may be wrong.

      I suggest you be patient too. Often when a woman has this diagnosis, it's really hard to deal with. Sex is important in a relationship, I get it. But if she is having pain then try to be understanding. I've had to explain to my bf about how I feel slightly different down there since my diagnosis. I definitely need more lube because it can hurt a little.

    • nathan27499
      nathan27499 Darana

      Posted

      I am trying to be patient. I'm supporting her the best I can. It just hurts knowing that she blames me for it. She says she doesn't, but I know she has some resentment towards me. 

      I feel like I should also say that during her first relationship she was sexually abused and I understand why she's scared of sex because of that, I totally get why she struggles even more now. She said last night that when we do try it feels like she's being raped. I hate her feeling that way and I feel so guilty. She once said that whenever I go down on her she can see her ex-boyfriend's face. 

      It kills me knowing she feels that way and I can't do anything about it. She's worried that because I'm not getting it off her that I'm gonna go find someone else, but I really do love her and I'd never do that to her. i wanna spend the rest of my life with her. I just want us to be intimate with each other. I can live without sex for however long it takes for her to be ready, I'd just like us to be able to touch and hold each other.

    • so06472
      so06472 nathan27499

      Posted

      then I would had that, after a visit with the gyno, she should think about seeing a therapist. If she still struggles (which is understandable) with her past so much that you transform into her ex here and there, she has to deal with it with a professionnal. As for the rest, the others have said it all.
    • justsolucky524
      justsolucky524 nathan27499

      Posted

      Yes, I agree with the others that she needs to see her gyn for a better look at the situation. Intimacy can involve so many other things though. In the meantime, try a romantic bath for the two of you...you both can massage one another, hold each other and get closer that way. Use this time as a chance to explore each other and find each other's pleasure points...it sounds like you really love her and that is a beautiful thing, you guys can work through this. She may also benefit from speaking with someone about her past hurt.

    • Darana
      Darana nathan27499

      Posted

      Well, that adds a whole different level there. Is she talking to a therapist?

      I know I got my hsv2 from my current bf. He wasn't aware he was a carrier. Now that I'm feeling almost back to normal, my resentment against him is dwindling down.

      You sound like a great gentleman. I can relate to patience sometimes running thin. Especially when you do want to be intimate. Like you said, intimacy can be shown in many other ways. I wonder if you both would benefit from couples counseling? It isnt necessarily a bad thing. Maybe if you suggest it by saying you care so much about her that you feel it would help? Especially with her last relationship, unless she has some ways of communicating with you.

      I was in an abusive relationship with my exhusband. And I communicate with my boyfriend that when x happens, it makes me feel like y. Just so he knows.

      Keep us posted. I really hope things work out for you both.

    • nathan27499
      nathan27499 Darana

      Posted

      Thank you, that means a lot. Unfortunately from the phone call we just had I don't think things are gonna go back to the way they were. She said I broke her heart, that I should treat her with respect and that it feels like that's all I'm with her for. She says that I need to accept we can't have sex, but she's not even willing to let me try and help her. I've been crying my eyes out all day trying to make things right, trying to make things better for her. I just don't know what to do anymore. 

      I'm not doing this for me, I'm doing it for both of us. I hate knowing that I cause her pain. I just want her to be okay. I do miss the sex, I won't lie, but it runs deeper than that. I want children someday. I don't really wanna adopt (I want my own child) and artificial insemination costs money (I live in Britain and I'm only a cleaner, I cant afford that).

      I just can't figure out a way to make things work. 

  • isabel_32716
    isabel_32716 nathan27499

    Posted

    Hi Nathan

    Diseases like herpes or similar cause a lot of suffering.

    I have LS (lichen sclerosus) for about 20 years and medicines couldn't help me.

    So, I looked for a solution and I found a wonderful site that helped me a lot and talks about herpes, too.

    Also, I found a book from Melanie Addington: Ultimate herpes protocol

    Curiously, boath approaches recommends the same: a natural treatment with olive leaf extract.

    So, give it a try. I really hope this works for you and your fiancee.

    All the best.

    Isabel

     

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