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I feel people don't understand me.

Posted , 7 users are following.

tanya73074
tanya73074

Is there anything worse than re-living the worst moments of your life time and time again?

For me, rape and abuse was not a one time nightmare, it's a continuous cycle of intense emotion, as everyday I am reminded of my attacks. I've become a person I do not recognise. I am still that trapped little girl stuck in flight or fight mode.

The guilt of being weak, pathetic bares down heavily upon my shoulders everyday. I tell myself I should be stronger, I should just 'move on'. But I am trapped within my own mind and I can find no release from this torture.

Throughout my life I've gone through one extreme situation to another, I see how I try to avoid my past, but ptsd is a bitch. There is no escape for me. I still have nightmares about rape, entrapment, shame. The smell of leather jackets and stale ale sets of a fear response in my brain and I am overwhelmed with terror, anxiety as I remember my dad's violent outbursts. It was only yesterday I had a panic attack in the middle of the street because someone asked me about the sexual abuse I received as a child. The memories flooded back that I so desperately long to forget.

I watch on hopelessly as my mind crumbles around me. The lines between reality and the bad corners of my mind continuously get blurred as I try to figure out where I am in my life, as I try to understand who I am and what I need. The nightmares confuse me as I try to logically diffuse some hidden message within them. I constantly think about how I can brake this cycle. My thoughts race. Then I think some more and then think about things again, incase I missed something. I ponder on my mind all the time. My mind is a buzzing hive alive with raw emotion and I feel like a screwed up little girl trying to figure out what 'normal' is.

I can't fix this, I can only watch and hope I get better. I can see I am unwell, but I'm finding it incredibly hard to grasp stability and gain some understanding into my life. If this is what my life has to offer me then I don't want life anymore. This pain is too much.

0 likes, 12 replies

12 Replies

  • jane_31622
    jane_31622 tanya73074

    Posted

    Tanya

    I cant imagine what you've been through. I really feel for you. Just the fact that you ve made it this far shows how strong you are.

    Have you had any therapy or help?

    I was raped once and suffered a series of family losses. My brother took his life last June and all the feelings of the rape 32'years ago came flooding back. Guilt,terror,shame. I have started having panic attacks and stopped going out. Its sh*t.

    I am thinking of you.

    Jane

    • tanya73074
      tanya73074 jane_31622

      Posted

      Thank you Jane for your kind words.

      I feel I can make it so far, then time and time again I just crash, harder every time.

      I've had therapies, mainly cbt, but I feel they just open wounds I'm not able to deal with. The Majority of the time I feel worse when I leave than when I walked into the clinic.

      Thinking of you too, Tanya x

      I'm so sorry to hear what happened to you, I really can relate to how u feel. I hope we can both get stronger.

  • nic76621
    nic76621 tanya73074

    Posted

    Hi Tanya I so feel for you because I really do understand.  I feel no one understand me and my parents say I should be over it by now and forget it ever happened!!?.,!!..  I was sexually abused for many years when I was little and violently raped at 17. I'm now 44 and have constant nightmares and flashbacks.  How can I ever forget the worst days of my life.  I get confused with what's reality and what's not and totally mixed up.

    evenings and weekends are my worst and some evenings I feel suicidal.  But even with that I get confused cos I don't want to let the b....ds win but I feel so bad inside and so trapped I hate myself 

    i am trying my hardest to work through this stuff with an amazing psychologist who really does understand cos she's been through abuse.  She gives me hope but it just feels like it's never ending.

    do you mind me asking how old are you?  Have you been able to talk things through with anyone?

    • tanya73074
      tanya73074 nic76621

      Posted

      Hey Nic, thank you for taking the time to reply back. I'm glad we can relate to eachother but I'm saddened slightly. I don't feel we deserve this. I'm glad you understand, I don't feel as lonely.

      I get told continously just to 'get over it', but it's hard when you are living a reoccurring nightmare. I guess others will never understand unless they have walked in our shoes. I have tried many therapies and mess but I understand the problem is me. I'm so used to pretending I'm OK, I somehow convince the professionals I'm OK. Although inside I am screaming and crying.

      I don't think we can ever forget our nightmares, but I do believe we can learn to live with them. I'm just not to sure how to do that at this at the moment because lately I really have been struggling.

      I couldn't agree more about evenings and weekends. I feel it's because I'm alone with my own mind. Last night I had to talk myself out of doing something stupid and today the guilt is setting in. Sometimes I get so angry with myself for allowing myself to think about it. Like you, I don't want to give up because I can't let them win.

      May I ask, when you are with your therapist, do you tell her about your attacks? I feel I want to, but I hold myself back, I try to force myself not to think about it. The little details of my attacks bother me and even years later still play heavily on my mind. I hold back because I'm embarrassed, ashamed. I worry because I feel people will laugh. I feel utterly humiliated by the abuse I suffered. I feel I should have been stronger.

      I am 24, I hope you reply soon. Take care and keep smiling, I feel we both need a little happiness. Tanya smile x

  • nic76621
    nic76621 tanya73074

    Posted

    Hi Tanya 

    over the years I have tried different therapies and been in mental institutions due to suicide attempts but was never able to talk about the abuse and rape until 18 months ago. Like you, I felt totally ashamed, embarrassed and didn't feel I had the right to talk about it. I felt that if I told anyone, a tiny bit of what happened, no one would believe me and would laugh!!  I've felt so dirty and disgusting and thought it was all my own fault, that I deserved it and if I said something they would NO!!!!  

    Ive tried so many different ways of trying to shut the pain out and destroying myself but nothing works.  I am a recovering alcoholic of 17 years and a history of anorexia which I still struggle with but as you said, with the support of people who understand I am the only one that can heal myself.

    Even though I have seen a psychologist for 18 months, it has only been the last 6 months where I've felt safe enough to be able to tell her what happened. This has been little bits at a time but I'm doing it and you know what? She has never judged me, said I'm being stupid or pathetic and she's never said she doesn't believe me.  I still feel dirty and disgusting and that it was all my fault but we CAN do this because we both deserve a life without this hell. Anyone who has gone through abuse deserve a life.  Those little s..ts are carrying on with there lives and probably have never given us a second thought. 

    Last night it sounds like I was in a very similar place as yourself. I hope you are feeling a little easier tonight.  Are you able to speak to the Samaritans at all?

    • tanya73074
      tanya73074 nic76621

      Posted

      Hey Nic, it's nice to hear from you,

      I've also been in the suicidal mind, I've tried to end it a few times, mainly pills and alcohol. I'm so scared I'm heading back to that point, I constantly think of different ways, I remember back to what it felt like to slip into that peaceful abyss. I remember how much I enjoyed that feeling, the only time in my life I ever felt at peace, and it scares me I feel that way. I can see it's not healthy.

      As far as things go regarding therapies, there are certain things I can talk about, but other, more private things, I just can't go there, it distroys me. Even with therapists I feel I'm burdening them. I.dont want to tell people because I dont want to upset them.

      I would love to get the the point where I can tell the police what my step dad did, I feel I'm owed justice whilst he is living it up in Spain. But I can't face the demons myself, let alone explain things to the police, even then, would they believe me, I mean this happened 15 years ago!! Would they even find him with him living abroad?

      I feel I am unable to get past this place atm. It's so dark and lonely here and I feel like my cries are not understood. I'm so scared I 'm going to lose everyone and everything. Even my job is on the line because I never turned up to work after my panic attack. I just can't face going back in.

      I hope we both get justice, it's not fair the people who put us in this situation are probably happy. It kills me to know my step dad is happy.

      Hope to hear from you soon, sorry for the slow reply. Tanya. smile

  • nic76621
    nic76621 tanya73074

    Posted

    Hi Tanya what I forgot to say, is that you are so brave. It takes a huge amount of courage to reach out which means you can get through this and move on.

     Like you, I've always felt so alone and this week is the first time I've ever been able to acknowledge and write on a forum.  I hope you don't take this the wrong way but thank you for sharing because tonight I don't feel so alone.

    take care and stay safe

     

    • tanya73074
      tanya73074 nic76621

      Posted

      I understand what you mean nic, it's a comfort to know I'm not alone in this either, even though I wish things were different for the both of us. X
  • nic76621
    nic76621 tanya73074

    Posted

    Hi Tanya how have you been the last few days? Don't know about you but I get absolutely exhausted with all this and sometimes I feel like I'm going through an emotional breakdown.  

    Stay at safe and well

  • sarah14200
    sarah14200 tanya73074

    Posted

    Hi

    I feel for you hun

    This apirl will be a year my attack raped me left me pregants i had to get rid couldnt pull my self to keep felt like it would remind me off everythink that happen and i oready have one child with out there dad it is really hard to understand who i am anymore i think am a killed my unborn child i neaver thought id do i am against all off that hated my mates for doing it and there goes me to i hate my self everyday for what i had done

    Like to u i have the nightmares and ptsd

    Today i started cbt and it was really hard to talk about everythink

    Am scared off everythink ive been to the point were i nearly took my life i have good day and bad i have to stay strong for my daughter

    They say let it all out one thing i cnt do is cry

    I say cryin is show my weakness

    This is my last opption cbt if this dont work then i dont know

    You should get try it get all the help

    Ask your gp

    You are strong just smile and think today am goin tostronger than yesterday am not goin to let them win

    Am thinking off you

    Sarah

  • Louisaluvsrio
    Louisaluvsrio tanya73074

    Posted

    Hello Tanya

    It is so normal that you feel an infantile fear still.

    It was when my mother died and I moved that I was able to move on.

    I deal with it by distracting myself.,If I have a flashback I take a deep breath and think about the positives in my life.

    You are so not alone. Nightmares put me in a subdued state for the morning but easier as the day goes on.

    Hugs

  • sam18386
    sam18386 tanya73074

    Posted

    Hi Tanya aw your post reminded me of my background, it wasn't my dad who hurt me but my friends so called colleague. My background has left me unable to talk to her as I feel so bad about what she did in not understanding me and backing him considering what he did! We WILL survive, you need help to do it as I do but am reluctant as I've already got let down once. My trust is next to none. I have a chance to try rape counselling but am still really really scared! What do I do?
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