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I can't take it anymore, it's time for me to ask my question and find out what's really causing me to be a really really worthless human being.
I am 17 years old, was originally born in the Philippines. I moved to Canada in the late 2008, I was 12 years old by then. I went to my very first school, where kids talked English, and I didn't even know how to speak English. Thank god, there were two kids there that spoke my language! However, as the time passed by, I felt bullied by these 3 kids who were trying to put me in trouble. Such as, turning on the radio, and then leaves it open while I'm in the room alone (Yeah, I didn't really get to hang out with anyone, especially the kids that spoke my language). My classmates began to avoid me because my teachers spent most of their time teaching me english words. I felt really stupid by then, it felt as if I needed to kill myself and let them have everything. However, I wasn't weak, I avoided them just by doing my hobby, which was drawing.
I only stayed in that school for 1 year, because I was in grade 7 by then. I went to high-school feeling depressed, thinking about how many more students I had to counter with. There were more people that spoke my language, but I didn't want to hang out with them, because first... I'm shy and bi, and my brother were friends with most of them, and I didn't really want to interact with them. I was a loner since then. My daily life were the same, day after day. Goes to school, try to learn but can't learn anything because of thinking way too much things such as "Where am I gonna go at lunch?". This habit kept going for about 4 years. However, between those years, my english improved a lot. When I was finally in grade 11, I finally got into a regular english class! but that didn't really changed anything in my life. I still went out at lunch pretending I went home for lunch. Depression and Anxiety began to increase. Grades were too low and didn't even make friends since grade 8. Until now that I'm in my seniors, I still don't consider anyone as my friends. I do hang out with a couple of people, but it feels like they don't consider me as their friend. On the other hand, I've been having learning disability lately. Since my grammar improved a lot in the passed few years, I began to overlook at them. The more I overlooked at my mistake, the more mistakes I've been making. The more mistakes I've been making, the more I asked myself questions repeatedly. As for my speaking, I used to be really good at talking in class (being the class' clown), but... I don't know, my pronounciation suddenly gotten worst. I am really bad at explaining things now, unlike before.
Life has been so hard for me, that I couldn't even find out what I want to be when I grow up. I really want to be a graphic designer and a veterinarian, but how am I suppose to achieve this goal when I'm really bad at socializing?
Problems I think I have:
Mental illness (When I think someone likes me, I throw rolled papers at the trash, until 1 paper goes in, proving he/she likes me) (Reading things over again, making sure I read and understood what it said)
Lisp (I couldn't pronounce R, and I think my accent is getting in the way)
Alzheimer disease (I've been forgetful lately, it's hard to remember a thing I saw/read)
Always think the negative things that people think of me
Mixing things up (Things I say is no longer making sense, unless I try my best to fix it before saying it)
Skipping words (I always skip words when typing/writing)
Overlooking at things such as grammar/comments/pictures/questions/answers
Ashamed of my voice (I was born with an asthma, basically been coughing for 12 years, and I believe my vocal chords got affected. Now I sound like a frog/oompaloompa)
Believing myself or not
Become hyper (when I feel really positive, and think like I'm better (which I'm not)
Things I'm really good at:
Publishing my works (painting, ideas, short stories and poems)
Thinking about other people (Thinking ahead about how they'd feel when I ask them/ tell them things)
Sorry if this is so long, but this is how my life has been without seeking out for help. There are things I missed, but this is it for now. Hopefully someone got a solution.
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